Finally had the Talk, spoiler it sucked

Stonks4sport · 2022-02-26T04:33:02+00:00

I just did a similar thing. I’m feeling very free now that we have been separated. It’s well worth the tough talk.

I specifically told my wife “I’m not happy in our relationship” every couple months the last few years and she always blew me off and didn’t want to address anything I had to say. Then when I told her I wanted a divorce, she acted surprised and like I was the one breaking up the family. You can only do your half.

You’re probably anxious as shit right now, but from a guy that’s 3 weeks into the divorce process, it feels great once you get past that stage.

Gattsama · 2022-02-26T10:15:17+00:00

Congratulations brother. We know how hard that talk can be. I my case, together 17 years, married 12 years, separated in Oct 2021. Had a small unimportant fight, but she claimed things were out of control; asked me to leave and took off her wedding ring.

I told her in Nov I wanted to terminate, she talked me into working on things. But no real movement, told her again 1/24 we need to terminate. I told her I can not step into the role that she requires of me, I do not have faith we will be successful, I do not think we are romantically compatible and we are not healthy together. I've been progressively more un-feed, unhappy and unsatisfied in the marriage, but really the last 3 years kind of were the turning point. My STBX did NOT want to discuss my bad feelings in the marriage; said talking about my bad feelings didn't make her feel safe (she of course could share all of her bad feelings). Instead she asked me to talk about my needs. Eg don't say I'm tired, say I need a nap; don't say I feel unloved, say I need a hug / cuddles. BUT when I tried her system and asked for anything, she would say I was a hypocrite and who am I to ask for anything when she has nothing...

Basically there was no means for me to express my needs or get them meant. The entire relationship became focused on her needs / wants / wishes / dreams. It got so silly, that at one point we had rented this large VRBO in AZ for a trip (5 of of total) the main living room had huge open floor plan and ceiling. I said I would love to have a place like this so I could jump rope inside when it's cold out. She responded with no you don't / do you can't. Didn't want sweat drops getting everywhere :)

Since I moved out I have never been more peaceful and stress free. I am eating better, working out more regular, (was) sleeping better, reconnecting with friends and family. Also flying more, started skiing again (after 17 years), gaming more, and just generally more able to engage in life.

She just laywered up (and I did the same) so likely going to be a drawn out process. But oddly enough I'm actually cool with that. It's her legal right, and I'm just focused on the the fact that all this will end (was hoping June but might take 1-1.5 years).

We have no kids (you didn't say). I'm in my own place, and I make enough money that it's really nice. We need to sell the house and will split everything 50/50, so really just need a number for spousal support, BUT I think she wants to stay in the house for as long as possible (I want to sell while the housing bubble is hot). Again, it's her legal right.

I'm venting some too :) But bottom line, the peace and freedom are worth the price. The more distance and the more I unplug the better I am, the better I feel, and the more I can see what a simp / coward I've been in the relationship. I was not loving or respecting myself; I am now and that feels so so much better!

sicrm · 2022-02-26T07:40:06+00:00

the process won’t be easy, but it’s clear you made the right call.

CaliDude75 · 2022-02-26T06:19:07+00:00

I feel you, u/unhappily1980. Thankfully, mine went about as good as could be expected. She shed a few silent tears, and within the next 30 minutes, packed up most of her belongings (we're living in a temporary house due to home repairs being made) and left for her parents, who live locally. As she was getting into her car, she said, "I hope this is what you want." I didn't say anything, but thought to myself, "If I didn't want it, I wouldn't have said it."

Thankfully, no kids. Unlike you, we went to years of counseling, and spent thousands of dollars.

I know the next few months are going to be a slog disentangling accounts, and negotiating and dividing assets. But I am profoundly relieved I finally got it off my chest, and longer-term, I am actually very hopeful for my future. My meeting with her this morning to decide material choices for our home repair only validated my decision. She was duplicitous, querulous, and irrational, never mind the fact the tried to verbally steamroll me, as usual. I can't wait to finally move on.

RStonePT · 2022-02-26T13:40:10+00:00

What did you expect to happen here? And if you're leaving her, why have you told this story of your liberation from her perspective?

riddeford · 2022-02-27T03:54:13+00:00

5 months into the separation. We are still trying to negotiate alimony and child support between lawyers. The daily stress and anxiety of being in a house with her is gone. I have the kids a few days a week but I work long hours. Today she found out I had transferred the rest of our savings to another account and flipped. I said "you've spent 17k of our savings since the separation for legal fees and house repairs. I need to ensure the bills get paid until this is finalized." She didn't respond but was very salty when I came to pick up the kids today. My lawyer urged me to transfer the funds and said "if you don't do it, I can assure you your wife will spend that money. Since her family is buying you out of the house, you should not pay another time for it."

It felt very uncomfortable and stressful transferring that money, but the alternative would be devasting. Imagine if she spent what was left and I couldn't pay the mortgage on the house and the rent to my one-bedroom before we came to a final agreement - all the while I'm on the hook since the mortgage is in my name only. But at least I can support the two households for another few months until the settlement is finalized. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, and I want this finished. It's stressful as hell now, but knowing that within the next few months, I'll be free of her nastiness, disrespect, and shitty attitude keeps me going. Freedom and happiness are within reach, you just have to stay strong, provide as little information as possible, and DO NOT engage. The fact that you're taking action to end the toxic relationship with a woman who treats you like garbage will provide smiles and happy thoughts even on the worst days. In divorce, freedom comes at a price but it's worth it.

Title	Finally had the Talk, spoiler it sucked
Author	unhappily1980
Upvotes	10
Comments	11
Date	February 26, 2022 4:25 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/t1ny3v/finally_had_the_talk_spoiler_it_sucked/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/finally-had-the-talk-spoiler-it-sucked.1102881 https://theredarchive.com/post/1102881

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