Getting divorced...healthy tips?

SecondChantzes · 2020-08-13T18:55:58+00:00

I also quit drinking. That's a smart move there. It would be easy to wreck the rest of your life by going down the wrong path.

I also started working out. A lot. I am in better shape at 48 than I was at 28.

After about 9 months I hesitantly started dating a little. Met a lady soon after who I really clicked with. All this gave me confidence and built me back up. I've noticed recently the ex-wife is trying to speak to me more and make eye contact .... I keep it professionally civil, for the kids. She filed, she wanted out. She is only getting what she wanted.

Jagged_Rhythm · 2020-08-13T18:37:59+00:00

Your head sounds like it's in the right place. I would recommend maintaining a very civil and friendly relationship. If you can both come to terms regarding the children and everything, lawyers aren't necessary, my ex and I handled it and it basically cost nothing. Remember, getting divorced is hard, being divorced is easy.

Adorable_FecalSpray · 2020-08-14T01:29:08+00:00

Here is what I did and highly recommend to other guys going through divorce to start doing (these are just basics).

Lift, heavy weights. If you don’t have access to heavy weights, then body weight exercises and cardio. The idea is you physically exhaust your body, which increases good chemicals in your brain. It will make you look better too, which helps with self-confidence. This can help w feelings of anger too.

Start and do BJJ, Muay Thai and/or Boxing 3-6x a week. This will help you mentally as well as physically. Also it will help you be somewhat social. This can help w feelings of anger too. Punching a heavy bag for 5 minutes straight is pretty tiring.

Find some hobbies to do, old ones you stopped or some new ones. Guitar, woodworking, piano, dancing, yoga, stamp collecting, shooting, home improvement projects, model building. For when you aren’t lifting heavy weights and/or rolling or punching something.

Stay away from alcohol, do not rely on it to numb the pain. Sure, have a drink or two but don’t let it be a crutch. You are stronger then that. Also use this time to fix your nutrition (I prefer low carb and high protein and fat, along w Intermittent Fasting). And get your sleep, your brain needs to be sharp while you are going through this.

Start pursuing some alternate stream(s) of income other then your regular 9-5. Start w writing business ideas, plans then start pursuing them. Doesn’t have to be huge but something that brings in extra money and gives your mind something to do. (Legal bills will add up quickly, even on amicable splits).

Learn to meditate, starting w a couple minutes a day and work your way up to 10-15 minutes. (This actually lowers my blood pressure, I’ve measured before and after. It also helps w obsessive negative thoughts). There are several apps out there, I use Headspace.

Make your living space your own. Whether you get to stay in your house or have to move. Over time put furniture, art and other items that YOU want and will be proud to show to people you invite over.

Get a therapist. You might have to trial a couple before you find one that you click with and you feel that they understand you. Don’t feel bad about firing them. If they are any good they will help you set some goals for the sessions.

Reach out to friends and family to keep those connections alive or to re-kindle them. Be careful about venting to family and friends about your situation or Ex. It is alright to do for close relationships but keep it vague and short. That is what the therapist is mostly for.

Read books and/or listen to audiobooks, here are some recommendations that I found helpful:

• ⁠Models

• ⁠No More Mr. Nice Guy!

• ⁠The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck

• ⁠The 4-Hour Workweek

• ⁠48 Laws of Power

• ⁠How to Win Friends and Influence People

• ⁠The Rational Male

• ⁠Extreme Ownership

• ⁠Boundaries After a Pathological Relationship

• ⁠Stop Walking on Eggshells

• ⁠Magic Words

• ⁠The Co-dependent’s User Manual (The last 4 are if your Ex was a Narc or Borderline)

The above are just the basics, of you have kids there should be a few others things you should start doing. If your Ex has a personality disorder there are several more things you need to do. Do not share w your Ex you are doing these things. If she finds out, ok but this is your business for you to focus on.

And lastly, do not jump right back into another serious relationship. Figure out the part you played incoming to the divorce. Maybe it wasn’t much or maybe it was. Figure that out. Be ok w being on your own for awhile. Do not repeat the same mistakes that got you were you are right now. I would recommend taking at least a year to work on the above before dating again. If you really focus on the above you will go back to the dating market in a much much better position.

dday_throwaway3 · 2020-08-13T19:21:26+00:00

Do not move out. It's the worst mistake you can make in divorce. Here's why: http://forum.mensdivorce.com/viewtopic.php?f=4&t=81622

syro23 · 2020-08-13T20:57:03+00:00

be careful saving up, half that money might go to her.

JohnnyMnemo · 2020-08-13T23:32:18+00:00

Get a therapist.

Try not to date yourself.

EyesOpened50 · 2020-08-14T15:13:10+00:00

Great advice - take what you need and leave the rest, is always the key!!

There's no doubt that active exercise of any kind helps - it get the bodies natural defence system working plus those natural highs, plus you'll look and feel a lot better very quickly!!

Using weights, punch bags etc can really up your bodies strength and clear / cleanse the mind which is always needed but especially now - it's all up to you, all about you, being the best you and being happy within yourself!! You know what you need to do, take it steady, lots of reading so you find out about yourself plus get some really perspective so you can make informed decisions going forward, that's the key!!

No next day, next week or next month - make a plan, revise it as you go along!!

Get to work and look after yourself for yourself!!

Kipper1971 · 2020-08-15T03:12:29+00:00

Yeah, no alcohol is important. Don't listen to any soft or slow music. Your favorite love songs are a big no no, too. It starts to get real at around week 4-6 of the actual separation. Before that it is more like a vacation or being away.

Do NOT go onto any dating apps, no matter how tempting it may be. Rub one out if you feel like you need some action. I am a long distance runner and that has helped, but has also been the most difficult thing for me to do. She moved 5000 miles away and I have 100% custody of my son. No family near, its just me. So, your situation may differ.

I am better friends with my neighbors now and it helps to have people to talk to. I am not doing therapy, but spend time reading related books. I know where I screwed up along the way and it helps to come to terms with myself and to map out who I want to be going forward. Figure that out for yourself - it is important.

waitingforpopcorn · 2020-08-20T18:21:41+00:00

I too quit drinking and worked out, if I didn't I would have done and said stuff I regretted. Wanna know how I knew I did everything right?? The ex told me so a month after court, and that she regretted going thru with the divorce. Oh well. I checked out some Ted Talks that helped. Get a good support group. Keep working on yourself, no one can take that away.
For me, I never got my head straight. I regret that the most now that I hurt more people.

No_more_BPD_2020 · 2020-08-13T19:14:38+00:00

My #1 suggestion for anybody is to get a therapist and start talking. At least for me, this was incredibly difficult and I needed a professional to talk to that *wasn't* friends and family. F&F just aren't the right outlet for all the stuff I was going through, and I don't want to alienate them or wear them out with this.

The other stuff you mentioned is great, that's a lot of change at once to try and sustain during one of the most stressful things you're likely to ever do. There's always AA if staying away from alcohol is more difficult than expected. Good luck my friend! You can do this!

Title	Getting divorced...healthy tips?
Author	burnedanotherbagel
Upvotes	10
Comments	21
Date	August 13, 2020 6:33 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/i95fss/getting_divorcedhealthy_tips/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/getting-divorcedhealthy-tips.817974 https://theredarchive.com/post/817974

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