Edit, just read the auto mod message: State is Pennsylvania, we have shared finances, shared house, shared bedroom, 15 and 18 daughters. She doesn't know yet, but really doubt she'll be shocked when she finds out. Need an attorney. Need a plan, need advice. Not sure where to start. Tired, beat down, and broken.

I'm done, I give up. My wife of 21 years and I are not compatible, not anymore. We have 2 children, one about to graduate, one about to be driving age. I think/hope they're old enough now. I'm not perfect, far from it, I'm overweight, and can be lazy. She's tougher to describe, she's a good mother overall, she tries to do what she thinks is right for them. I love her, but I also hate her. I love my kids, I don't want to hurt them emotionally.

At the same time, she's a functioning alcoholic, has bad financial judgement, and sometimes bad judgement in general, and can be pretty nasty to me. The past few months have been bad, sex doesn't exist, we hardly talk unless it's about coordinating responsibilities, she doesn't even say goodnight to me any more she just goes. My older daughter has even noticed and called us out for being disfunctional.

She cheated almost 10 years ago, I would have left then if it weren't for the kids. I swallowed my pride, went to counseling, and buried it, our kids don't know. I never fully forgave her, I've never trusted her since. We've had a lot of disagreement on how to raise our kids, I've always wanted to prioritize academics, she's always undermined that and put competitive cheerleading first. About a year ago I put my 9th grader into an after school remedial learning program. The kid was still counting with her fingers, tutoring and working with her wasn't working. Naturally my daughter rebelled, but my wife told me I was unfair and made me the villain. A year later my youngest borderline hates me for forcing her to do it, I've finally agreed to let her stop, at least she understands arithmetic and basic algebra now.

Right now trying to figure out how to pay for college for the older one is the straw that is breaking my back. 6 months ago it was obvious we didn't have enough saved, and also obvious we would get no financial aid. Our income is too high and we don't live within our means. The same tactics and fighting (see below) got me into a house bigger than we need, and a car payment bigger than we should have, that have spread us thin. Combine that with probably $10k spent on cheerleading annually, and several thousands more spent so she can accompany the team at competitions. I apparently have no spine, because despite objecting to all of it, I've been steam rolled every time.

Back to college, my daughters gpa was barely enough to get accepted, no academic scholarships, no scholarships for cheerleading either. My daughter was thinking nursing school, then a BS, then grad school for PA or NP. my wife convinced her she needed the "college experience" whatever that is. My daughter was looking at big D1 schools with high academic reqs that wouldn't even accept her with her gpa, and I tried to gently explain reality, my wife made me the asshole and said essentially I was mean and full of shit. Then she focused on other big schools without considering cost, I tried to explain reality again, it turned into a big family wide fight where my wife again made me the asshole, and cheap and selfish, that we would "figure it out" and I was just selfish and didn't want to pay. Fast forward to now we finally get the total package from her university of choice. Our 529 savings is enough to pay for 3 semesters. We are still short $100k to get her a 4 year degree. She also wants another 2 years grad school. She keeps saying we'll figure it out, she even enlister her mom and sister who are supposedly going to contribute $10k/year (I doubt that much would actually happen). That's still $60k short plus grad school. We have another daughter who graduates in 2 years. This plan puts my older daughter in a bad position to finish what she's about to start, puts our finances in chaos, and screws over our younger daughter and our ability to help her. 2 other schools offer her targeted undergrad and even masters program she wants for about 1/2 that. Going to community for a year and getting a 3.8 gpa would get her a $14k merit scholarship from her school of choice every year, taking $42k off the total cost for the remaining 3 years.

My wife won't take no for an answer and I won't give in this time. Our last conversation ended with me telling her that if she could find a financial planner who could explain to me how this could possibly work and that it makes any sense at all that I would acquiesce. Her last comment to me was that she would just sign the parent loans on her own. That was this morning, she hasn't said a word to me since.

I can't live like that anymore. I'm done. I don't want to even be in a room with her, let alone share a house and bank account. I haven't told her, I've heard enough horror stories about accusations, PFAs, hiding assets, etc.

I have no support system, no one who could give me advice on even what ducks to get in a row. I don't know how to interview an attorney, or what questions to ask. My mother is somewhat estranged, and I wouldn't rely on her advice even if we had a great relationship. Neither of my brothers would be good for advice either I think. No one in my family that I can think of has ever divorced, even my brother's wives parents are all still married. My wife has a huge advantage here, pretty much everyone on her side has been divorced at least once.

Like the title says, where do I start? Is there a divorce for dummies?