Pre served papers divorce advice.

upandatom85 · 2023-06-15T01:45:43+00:00

Copy pasta for all the new guys here. Most will apply. Some won't. Good luck.

Don't drink. It'll only hurt the situation. Trust me. You need to stay calm. Drinking will not help with this.

Do not lose your temper. If you do not stay calm, you will lose. She wants you to get upset. She wants to be able to call the cops on you.

You can be darn sure she is going to try to get an EPO (emergency protection order) against you. All she has to say is that there is escalating behavior, and she is afraid for her life and boom. It'll cost you 10k minimum to fight it and have it thrown out.

Give your firearms to someone so she can't say that you threatened her. She may try to have your firearms taken away. It is difficult to get them back from the police.

Record every conversation and prepare for false domestic violence accusations (CUBE ACR records calls automatically and can also record on your phone in the background. Its free in the app store)

She will try to provoke you to get you to say things to use against you. STAY CALM! RECORD EVERYTHING!

Lift heavy weights

Walk. Daily.

Get therapy. Honestly, it will help. No matter how tough you think you are we can all use a little help.

Change all passwords. INCLUDING YOUR PHONE! Mutual or not. Be sure she does not have access to your accounts of any sort. Get a new credit card. Fully separate finances. Figure out what you still need to pay and what is her fucking problem now.

She will try to clean out your account and will take anything she is able to. You need to prevent that. Chances are she is way ahead of you on this.

Secure important paperwork including tax information and anything she can use against you in a safe location.

She's 10 steps ahead of you. She's already told her friends/family/attorney. She's got big plans for your money and property.

She will try to get you out of the house. Do not leave your home! If she wants to end the relationship she can leave. If you are gone from the home she will claim abandonment and keep rights to the home.

Document every fucking thing. Keep a notebook in your phone(New safe password). Record interactions and important notes. Record all interactions. Women lie!

She will try to rewrite history. Things that happened will not have happened. What was said or done will not be the same as reality. This is called GASLIGHTING. Look it up and understand it! She will make you question your grip on reality. She will rewrite your history to make you the bad guy in her story, to justify what she is currently doing to you and what she has done to you.

If you're wondering if you need a lawyer then you needed one last month. Lawyers suck and are expensive. Get a good one.

Research GREY ROCK/360 METHOD then implement them

Research MONKEY BRANCHING and understand the female imperative. If she's leaving you she probably already has someone else. Sorry.

Research and understand BRIFFAULTS LAW.

Research and understand the LIGHT SWITCH EFFECT.

Research and understand DARVO TACTICS.

Look up FEMALIE SOLIPSISM

This is a catch all list. It may or may not completely apply to you. Most of it will I'm sure. Good luck. Stay strong.

Books: this is a Canadian book!

-Surviving your divorce by Michael Cochrane

https://www.google.com/search?gs_ssp=eJzj4tFP1zc0Sso1K8tOMjdg9BIrLi0qyyzLzEtXqMwvLVJIySzLL0pOBQDu5g03&q=surviving+your+divorce&oq=surviving+your+&aqs=chrome.1.0i355i512j46i512j69i57j0i512j46i512l3j0i512j46i512.7999j1j4&client=ms-android-rogers-ca-revc&sourceid=chrome-mobile&ie=UTF-8

No More Mr Nice Guy is a book you may also want to check out.

If anyone has any advice or info they would like to add to this list please let me know.

47omek · 2023-06-15T04:26:03+00:00

"Wants to see other people" in womanspeak = "I've got a specific dude lined up and I'm already boning him or will be very soon"

Do not be fooled.

Throwawaysi1234 · 2023-06-14T23:14:26+00:00

You want to find out if there is an affair.

Depending on what state you are in, infidelity may be grounds for barring her from alimony and it may affect the division of assets.

More than that, you may be entitled to money she has spent in furtherance of the affair.

Affairs cost money, on average about $400 a month.

I found out about my wife's affair and thanks to exporting the vast majority of their texts I am grateful for having found out the below:

that she lied to me to try to give the affair partner a car
that she has been siphoning thousands of dollars to her affair partner
red flags for her having designs to kidnap our son and leave the country
which of our friends knew but didn't tell me about the affair
that he reached out to her and she responded because she wanted sex rather than all the blame she tried to pile on to me about not doing enough chores or kicking my parents out of the house

Consult an attorney as to the legality of the below measures:

looking through her phone. If she has an iPhone, permanently deleting texts requires an extra step most users don't take
installing monitoring software like Mspy
reviewing call logs available without hassle by most wireless providers to check for repeat/unknown numbers which can be reverse searched using this service

https://www.truepeoplesearch.com/

getting a private detective

And I can't emphasize enough, make sure it is legal before you do it. You don't want to catch a stalking charge (and yes you can be charged for stalking your wife)

you want to get a lawyer, you want to file first

Some women will file false domestic violence charges to win them favors in court. This is a lot harder if you were the one to file because it doesn't look like they're trying to escape abuse. Moreover, you filing help you take charge and set the pacing of the divorce.

It does not come off as abandoning your family

do not leave the house

She doesn't have the right to kick you out. In some states leaving the house affects your ability to claim part of it. In most states it affects custody.

James_Jimothy · 2023-06-15T04:32:40+00:00

Often times when a woman uses the description “uncomfortable”, it is a veiled shaming tactic meant to control and manipulate a man’s behavior for her benefit. The end goal being her special dominion over the security of the marital property and you in the less secure position playing catch up.

If you have children, this same “uncomfortable” tactic will come up again. Take the advice here: document, protect and advocate for yourself.

Read “When I say no, I feel Guilty”, “No More Mr. Nice Guy” and The Rational Male blog. The fact that she thinks she can suggest you leave the marital home shows an entitlement that will be present whether you choose to reconcile or divorce that you need to dismantle.

If you both agree there is no safety issue besides growing apart, then she’s full of shit. Stand your ground and calmly dismantle her bullshit where possible. If she is “uncomfortable”, she can leave to monkey branch her discomfort away outside of the marital home you work for.

ephemeraltaxidermy · 2023-06-14T23:23:53+00:00

Yes you want to file first so any assault/DV shit will look suspicious as hell. But you also might need time to accumulate evidence to secure custody. Go back however many months and document all the times she's left you with the kids, all her episodes, anything that can be used to prove that you deserve to have joint custody and 50/50 or even primary with all the bipolar and orgy shit. She might want to run off without the kids from the sound of it, but she won't want to pay child support and might need the house to host so she might fight.

If you don't ask for child support and aren't on public assistance then child support isn't a necessity though and it sounds like she might be down to just leave if she can get away clean and comfortable, which would be worth many thousands of dollars to you in lawyers, time, and trouble.

If you do leave, take the kids, you are married so you have every right to take them anywhere for any length of time. Any bullshit and take all this bipolar shit and some texts and get a temporary restraining order against her.

Reflog1791 · 2023-06-15T04:48:22+00:00

If you read No More Mr. Nice Guy you will see you are deluded into thinking “you moving to mom’s” is even a remotely acceptable solution.

Seems like your self respect is in the dumpster. Go talk to a wise male psychologist. She doesn’t like the marriage? She can organize the new housing arrangements.

CommanderOfCheese45 · 2023-06-15T16:07:44+00:00

If I did the right thing refusing to leave

Leaving can put you on the back foot as far as dealing with custody and property division, as it's not hard for her to just never let you see the kids and then the court will look at that and call it the 'status quo' and make it official despite your protestations. Not to mention that it's expensive to be paying for another place.

Does it look bad for the husband to be the one to file

No. If anything it gives you an advantage as you're the one able to make the first move when it comes to settlement offers.

that just means she wants to do it as cheaply as possible while also getting everything she wants

So here's my guideline on what to offer.

For property, pool everything and pick things out of the pool that you want, and overall each of you gets half the pool. Be flexible on how you value each of the things in the pool, not necessarily 50% of the monetary value of each of the things -- i.e. if there's two houses, "I get one, you get one, let's not bother with looking at the values" is equitable enough that, if it comes to that, a judge might sign off on.

If she's high conflict, then start with an unfair offer and fight like heck over things you don't really care about and then relent at strategic times so she can feel like she "won" even though it ended at 50/50.

On parenting time, you don't budge from 50/50. You die on that hill. The only way you budge from 50/50 is if she's either offering you more time with the kids, or if she's actively dangerous for the kids, and in those cases you get more than 50/50. Don't settle for less.

On spousal support, if she's high conflict then offer $0 and let her feel like anything she does end up getting is like squeezing blood from a stone and like she's scoring a major victory. Your actual target (which you can start with if she's a relatively reasonable person) is no more than it would take to close the gap in a reasonable budget for her -- i.e. get a good faith estimate of how much she could/should be making, a good faith estimate of how much it would cost her to live, and only offer whatever shortfall there is between her income and budget, and for no longer than it takes to close that gap.

Duchat · 2023-06-15T18:38:52+00:00

If she’s BP like you say, get ready for a TRO filled with carefully cultivated, elaborate lies that are impossible to disprove, and a few nights in jail. Let someone you trust know this is likely to happen, and get your contingencies ready. Do you have a lawyer that can get you out of jail? Do you have bail money put aside? Are you recording every conversation between you, going directly to a cloud account? You’ve told her “no” and to her, that is unacceptable.

Title	Pre served papers divorce advice.
Author	throwaway146368
Upvotes	13
Comments	25
Date	June 14, 2023 10:57 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/149lu6i/pre_served_papers_divorce_advice/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/pre-served-papers-divorce-advice.1222375 https://theredarchive.com/post/1222375

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