Pull Trigger Soon, Or After Attempting Counseling and Christmas / New Year?

eastlibertypj · 2025-12-19T21:04:53+00:00

Update: first, thanks to everyone who chimed in the first time. We've had three couples counseling sessions and two weeks ago I had a one-on-one session with the counselor, who also had one with my wife. The counselor confirmed that my wife has essentially zero capacity to understand and have empathy with my inner world or my son's inner world, and may not even understand her own internal experience.

While I've done enough self-work to know this was potentially the case, and my own therapist and doctor have suspected as much, it's another thing entirely to have the couples counselor who has met with us together and separately confirm it.

I **DO** see my wife making some moves that indicate a minor change in increasing her intentionality towards me. She invited me out on a date recently, which has not happened in some time.

Yet I also see ongoing evidence of the fundamental inability to empathize with both of us. All the good comments here have helped affirm my plan to wait until after the holidays to make any final decision. I'm also going to show up as my best and kindest self and continue to give the counseling a real chance. We'll see what happens.

detmus · 2025-11-17T11:37:57+00:00

FWIW, I have two very young kids, and while they know something is off, they don't yet "know." Their mom and I worked everything out through mediation-- not amazing, not devastating. We're officially divorced as of last week, but still under the same roof until after the holidays for the sake of the kids. We've been having separate holidays for over a year, so they already know that Dad doesn't go with them to see Mom's side of the family on Thanksgiving, etc.

BathAutomatic6972 · 2025-11-11T18:31:05+00:00

That your spiritual leader said "Wait until the new year" not "don't do it" is sort of telling.

Honestly? Say to her: "I feel like I'm taking responsibility for hurts I've directly caused and I don't feel like that's reciprocated. Do you believe me and accept that even if you disagree? Here are times and places that I've felt that."

She'll push back. She'll duck accountability. She may even provoke you into a different fight or insult you so that you fight about that. Don't take the bait. Say "My feelings and well-being matter, and even if you don't prioritize them—I'm sticking with my question." Stay calm. Stay even. Stay kind and get power from watching the punches she throws go sailing by.

One_Hot_Doggy · 2025-11-11T17:41:11+00:00

I hear you. I’m in a similar situation. When I’d set up counseling, she booked out during a session and exclaimed that it’s all me and she had nothing to fix.

I’ve been wrestling to get things under control but over the last two or three years it’s gotten worse and I’ve given up.

In a most recent fight I told her I’m done and she asked to re set up counseling. It’s going well but deep down I think I know she’s only doing it to keep me around and not to improve things. I’m just so tired and so over it.

I’m waiting until after the holidays for the same reason as everyone said but I’ve already engaged a family law attorney

LonelyNC123 · 2025-11-11T12:42:17+00:00

Try counseling first. Both of you need to try HARD.

It sounds like she's taking no accountability? That's not good (but you already know that).

I recommend you find a Gottman trained counselor.

And, wait unti after Christmas.

If mine had gone to counseling a decade ago when I was BEGGING her to go I probably would not be getting divorced now.

upvotersfortruth · 2025-11-11T07:46:02+00:00

Holidays always stir up issues and emotions. And how “bad” your timing is, is directly proportional to your legal fees. Best to avoid proximity to your anniversary, holidays, birthdays - any date to which she can attribute significance. Another reason to wait is that courts basically don’t get anything done for the last two weeks and first two weeks of each year. So if you file now, you will just have to sit there idling until Mid-January most likely or even later depending how busy the court is.

Make nice through the holidays and then file late Jan or something if you still want to go through with it.

Recent_Impress_3618 · 2025-11-11T06:49:32+00:00

Pastor is right, needs to be done properly and not in haste. Get counselling definitely, you need to give it every chance.

The impact on the family is horrendous, I would have loved to go to therapy but wife refused many requests.

Ok-Guidance6491 · 2025-11-11T05:21:13+00:00

46M here. We finalized our divorced mid December 2023. Same day I moved out. Two weeks later we had our last Xmas as a family. The next year I had them with me for actual Xmas but she asked me to let them come over to open presents…and invited her boyfriend over to be there too. So it might actually be worth it to have one last holiday before things change.

Plastic_Canary_6637 · 2025-11-11T05:08:34+00:00

If you got 2 kids I would at least try couples therapy. This is a cannon event in your life as well as the kids so I would do anything and everything to avoid going down this road unless absolutely necessary. Waiting a few months likely won’t significantly impact the financials.

Present-Armadillo-60 · 2025-11-11T04:58:36+00:00

The sooner the better
File tax return separate too

The more u drag the more claim $$ the other may have to assets

Title	Pull Trigger Soon, Or After Attempting Counseling and Christmas / New Year?
Author	eastlibertypj
Upvotes	1
Comments	25
Date	November 11, 2025 4:55 AM UTC (8 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1ou0myv/pull_trigger_soon_or_after_attempting_counseling/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/pull-trigger-soon-or-after-attempting-counseling.1566213 https://theredarchive.com/post/1566213

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