Question for you guys

BlackFire68 · 2019-07-24T14:10:54+00:00

Some people need to be angry in order to separate issues in their mind. It's sort of a forced "splitting" of good and bad. They have to view you to be "bad" to justify the split. Their anger makes them feel justified in that.

A weak analog is a boss at work who has to be "mad" in order to fire someone rather than being logical and calm.

WowzerzzWow · 2019-07-24T14:28:17+00:00

I think it's about years and years of things that have been left unsaid. You've come to the point that there are (in his eyes) no consequences because the one thing that could happen from saying something wrong, has happened. So, the floodgates have opened. Realistically, marriages aren't one sided. They fail because of smaller sums leading up to a bigger whole. Odds are, your emotional response is going to be very different than his. Like it's been said here already, you're probably just seeing disassociation. You'll both lash out at each other then everyone will move on with their lives when the dust has settled. The first few months to a year are rough. But, things will get better.

Haipul · 2019-07-24T14:14:25+00:00

Well I am more in your situations than the opposite but when my ex left me, I confronted her on how she had done everything wrong if she wanted out, and was just making my pain sooo bad, her answer was "Because I know you won't stop fighting for me otherwise". It was hard and I still don't know how to take it... I don't know if its your case but do I hope it helps you. Keep strong better times will come.

Scooter444 · 2019-07-24T14:16:10+00:00

I agree with the above comment and would add that some people are just hateful. Maybe you didn’t see it before ? And some get angry bc of what all they are losing, despite whose fault it is. I know it doesn’t make sense.

Slick-Fork · 2019-07-24T14:39:35+00:00

I’m in your shoes. The person I spent 20 years with, the woman who was my best friend, felt like she became my enemy overnight.

I never got an explanation the split, let alone why she became so nasty when it didn’t seem necessary. But I have two thoughts; number one I agree with the point above about “needing” to be angry to justify it in her mind - she needed to talk herself into the split and as a result spend her time focussing on the bad times instead of trying to repair for the good times;

number two I think her new social circle had something to do with it. She had new best friends who recently went through nasty divorces and I wonder if they primed her to be more confrontational.

At the end of the day, as heartbroken as I was and still am I’m kind of glad it went that way. It helps me realize that the person that divorced me is not the person I married.

tinkerb3lll · 2019-07-24T16:39:37+00:00

My wife only became hostile towards me when she started cheating as she had someone else or a way to let out .. before it was just we didn't want to be with each other .. anyway same, broke my heart into a million pieces even though I refused to believe it would happen.

Beastmodexxlsixty9 · 2019-07-25T02:47:11+00:00

M/49, I was in your shoes eleven years ago. She left while I was at work and cleared everything we owned out of the house and our 2 kids.

No cheating, no substance abuse, no cheating or physical or emotional abuse. Her feelings just changed but she had so much anger towards me for a long time.

It's hard to know why people do what they do! I felt as you do that it was a perfectly good relationship but she is like your partner, all ego and pride.

When reality hits them a d there faced to look in the mirror they never like what they see but that wont be your problem.

As much as your hurting right now I can tell you that you will not only get through this, you will be better off. I know that might sound crazy coming from a stranger but when my ex left me I thought it was the end of the world and I was sure I'd never be happy again but I am so better off now.

Be strong, and never lose hope!

grim_melee · 2019-07-24T14:26:27+00:00

I'm going to ask a hard question:

Is he being mean or is this in your own perspective?

Let me elaborate. My ex wife and I had numerous issues and ended up divorcing. I have primary custody of our three kids and she sees them every other weekend. She has a lot of issues she has left unaddressed that she needs to go to therapy for; issues relating to her depression (that she refuses to treat), issues related to her dad and issues related to her mom passing when she was young. A lot of her issues snowballed as she got older and she just basically checked out of everything including our marriage and became overly critical of me along with our children.

When I talk to her now I am not mean at all, but I don't make excuses for her at all. She seeks validation rather than wanting to coparent and can't take criticism (when I'm offering help and solutions in addressing issues she has with her relationship to our kids). At one point she told me on a text "you used to be nice" when referring to the way I was talking to her. I had a friend look over the text conversations and they told me I wasn't mean at all in those texts, just honest and 'matter-of'fact'. I'm not longer making excuses for her and instead answering her issues honestly.

Now I don't know your relationship or marriage, I'm just playing the "devil's advocate" but is it possible in his mind he's not being mean, but you're just interpreting it that way? I'm also not defending him because I have no examples as to how you two actually communicate. Forgive me if I'm way off base, I'm only referencing my own life examples.

Edit: Also if he's actually "angry", then that's normal. Anger is a part of the grieving process. And even if he's the one that left, he's still grieving the relationship. We all go thru the stages of grief differently and if he's actually angry then he's just experiencing the "anger" stage of grief. I went in and out of the anger stage several times when grieving my marriage even though the split up was mutual.

God-Punch · 2019-07-24T16:31:03+00:00

In my case I was never mean or vicious. It's not worth my time to be that way. However, it's really hard to imagine why he's acting this way because we're not him. I can say from my experience is he could have convinced himself that you're the reason why the marriage has failed not willing to take responsibility for his own part in the failure and this is just him lashing out.

Just based on the things you've said about him, do you know if he falls on the spectrum of narcissistic personality disorder and possibly histrionics? I have 5 years of dealing with someone you're describing but it's my ex wife acting this way.

I am writing a handbook for fathers going through divorce, but it could easily be used by women. If you have any questions or need tips on the process, please let me know.

hairy_russian · 2019-07-27T22:53:34+00:00

She cheated. We went to therapy and she continued to cheat. So I left she told everyone I abandoned my daughter.

I am going from 100% to 50% parent.

I am angry and resentful because I am the one paying the price for her affair!

Is that a good enough read.

Title	Question for you guys
Author	yucater
Upvotes	4
Comments	27
Date	July 24, 2019 2:07 PM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/ch8mp5/question_for_you_guys/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/question-for-you-guys.1205324 https://theredarchive.com/post/1205324

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