Gonna do a TLDR at the start because this is just going to basically be me pouring my soul out into the void, capped off with a late night realization that I am basically a narcissist who drained every ounce of goodness out of my ex and left her bitter, angry, and determined to remove me from her existence. And now I'm lost in said void. Not looking for advice or compassion or anything at all really - in fact I probably should have just written for myself and deleted but fuck it, what else have i got to lose.

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So my wife (refuse to call her ex until its finalized) left back in August after I more or less had an emotional/psychotic breakdown. Was convinced even then that it was her fault; her growing more and more distant and denying me any form of emotional connection or affection. It felt like alienation of affection without a third party. I basically threatened suicide via text (indirectly but convincing enough for her friend to advise her to call 911). The police tried to pull me over shortly after and I fled. I hit a bit before returning home, which I was trailed by a dozen or so squad cars straight to my driveway. Here I was removed from the vehicle at gunpoint, and then put in an ambulance and taken to a hospital nearby after they determined I was having some sort of break. I spent maybe 24 hours in the hospital and the tele-medicine psych let me out because she said she believed it was spousal and that I was not showing any signs of suicidal ideation. Honestly, they were overfilled and needed me out even though I was "involuntarily" held there. I was never arrested btw even though they could have got me on multiple counts - white privelage i guess...

When I returned home, my wife was gone with my 2yr old daughter, the safe with all of our titles/deeds/emergency funds, my home defense shotgun and all shells, and some other things. This sent me into almost a frenzy of depression, self loathing, anger (almost furious rage), and began the rollercoaster that I am still on. Finally a month and a half in, desperate to see my kid, I hired an attorney who recommended I begin divorce proceedings and push for temporary custody. At this point I hadn't seen either my wife or daughter in 2+ months and was severely depressed (still am but it comes in waves now rather than 24/7). I was slamming her with dozens of texts a day begging her to come home, pouring my heart out (at least at the time I thought it was my heart I was reaching out with). Finally I returned home to get some things and partly because I had reason to believe she had taken my little girl possibly out of state (florida or texas from NC) to see her aunt or best friend and get away from me. Her mom was living there I find out (dogs barking in the garage where she keeps them when she visited), house a wreck when I opened the door - all signs the MiL was afoot. I called out for someone and the MiL came out and started yelling at me to leave and threatening to call the police. At this point there was no standing order, no anything, and I was on the deed while her mom was not. I know my rights - but I left anyways. Later that day I returend and there was 5 more squad cars. 5 days later I was visited by a sheriffs deputy who read me my rights and let me know I was being served with a DVPO - a no contact order - and that even texting her would result in a misdemeanor. I found out a few days later from my attorney that because the same judge was proceeding over the DVPO trial and the temporary custody trial, the ex parte would be extended another month until the court date. Finally I cracked and began texting again, begging her to drop her lawsuit and lawyer (she counter filed against me even though I had filed first, she was dodging the sheriffs department so I was now the plaintiff), and try to work things out. 4 days later I was on a job site and got a call from my mom who I was staying with that the police were looking for me. I turned myself in after my mom told me the cop had told her I would likely be let off same night if I turned myself in. I spent 48 hours in jail, no bail. It was awful. Finally I got out and vowed to shut her out and let the lawyer do his work.

On 12/1 I finally had my first court date and the judge threw out the DVPO, awarded me every other weekend (graduated slowly from F-S to W-S... not there yet its a SLOW graduation). The first few visits had to be supervised by my mother. My wife had proposed that I could only see my daughter an hour every other weekend in a supervised visitation center which I did not feel was appropriate. During this time I was seeing a therapist, on anti depressants, and seemed to be doing better. I felt victimized by my wife leaving and stealing my daughter - was stuck in victim mode. But it was a small victory in court so I happily took it. No more DVPO, I could once again text my wife and the judge ordered that she also let my daughter talk to me on the phone which I took full advantage of. Slowly my texting began ramping up again. She now clearly saw me as her enemy and even told me in a text that I had faked crying in court and lied to get what I wanted. The tears were real and I didnt lie, but I had to aggressively defend myself against 8+ pages of complaints against me., most of which were real exaggerations and some lies. Around this time she began completely ignoring me 100% again unless it was to call me and put my 2 yr old daughter on the phone (she remained off camera and would not talk to me at all). Any response I got out of her was 1-3 words and thats all. My text history shows me sending dozens of texts, even when split up among days, and maybe 1 single 2 word response from her. I later found out here this is called the "Gray Rock" method. She was using this on me when it's a tactic designed for dealing with narcissists. I just discovered this last night after reading on these forums. I googled more and I think that's when I started to realize that she was right - I was the narcissist.

I could not sleep last night, I'm on a business trip out of state requiring me to be on site at a location all day and I can barely function today. I was up ALL night researching narcissism including it's different forms. At first I didn't quite see HOW I could be a narcissist. I do not see myself as superior to ANYONE. I have bottomed out self esteem and every day around other people I am wearing a mask (not a literal mask) and doing my best to fake being a functional adult. I know I;m not doing a good job - this job will probably not last long either (I have a long history of doing good at jobs for a while and then falling apart completely). But I was reading a psych article that said they were researching and finding that narcissism is not necessarily limited to the "traditional" narcissistic behaviors, but that there are other types of narcissists as well. Most narcissists have fragile/weak self esteems and most will create grandiose personas/skins and try to be something they can never truly be. When their fragile egos and "skin" is punctured, they react with anger/rage and lash out sometimes violently. Others, like myself, collapse in on ourselves and withdraw. I've been in this pattern, for probably my whole adult life. I can literally die it all together. I was the problem in every serious relationship I was ever in and every single time the women fled or outright left me. I would just go into a black pit of despair for a while before finally pulling myself up out of necessity and "moving on"... but never learning a damn thing.

And now here I am. I have NO idea what to do or where to go from here. From everything I read, narcissists cannot be "cured". There is therapy of sorts but I've never stayed with a therapist for more than a few visits. I also have ADHD which makes focusing and keeping up with things hard, ODD (Oppositional Defiance Disorder) - basically i cannot stand to be told what to do from so-called authority figures, hence my issues with police. Severe depression (both chronic and situational). I am a huge drain on anyone in my life which now makes sense because I read narcissists are basically "energy vampires" and drain those around them until they are damaged and broken or until they get out. My mom has been my main support for 4 months now and she can barely stand to be near me i think. I've drained her down to almost nothing I'm afraid. I usually keep my daughter at her house on our weekends since I am currently living in a small camper and have no space for her. The only good thing in my life is this new good paying job but I feel it's unlikely I'll be able to hang in here for more than a couple months. I've been told i also have "imposter syndrome", because I never feel like I'm good enough and have probably self sabotaged myself out of more good situations than I ever deserved. I also think all of these "syndromes" and "disorders" are tied together to my core personality - that of a narcissist. I now think my best bet is to just give my wife the house, the car, the kid, everything, and walk away. I am poison to her, she can never be well with me in her life. I don't think I can be good for ANYONE at this point. I cannot actually commit suicide - I'm too weak. So I must be alone and just take it 1 day at a time for now. I hate the idea of abandoning my little girl but if I am truly a narcissist, can I even really love her? Is my love for her not simply my craving the affection adn adoration she gives me?

Thanks for reading if you finished this but I'm afraid there's no reward for finishing. I'll probably delete this. Best of luck to fellow dads and husbands out there, stay strong. I hope I survive this but I don't see it happening right now. I prob. shouldn't even post this but I will and I will actually hope for support I don't deserve because I think the narcissist in me craves validation and needs love/support which I don't believe I deserve.