SO FUCKING LOST

lemmingsrevenge · 2020-09-18T02:12:51+00:00

So she wants you to pay the bills but wants to be free to fool around. yeah that's a big no from me. Your kids are old enough and it's too long of a time to play married.

Start gathering statements, texts and the like.

infinityplus1 · 2020-09-18T03:28:10+00:00

Here is what I did and highly recommend to other guys going through divorce to start doing (these are just basics).

Lift, heavy weights. If you don’t have access to heavy weights, then body weight exercises and cardio. The idea is you physically exhaust your body, which increases good chemicals in your brain. It will make you look better too, which helps with self-confidence. This can help w feelings of anger too.

Start and do BJJ, Muay Thai and/or Boxing 3-6x a week. This will help you mentally as well as physically. Also it will help you be somewhat social. This can help w feelings of anger too. Punching a heavy bag for 5 minutes straight is pretty tiring.

Find some hobbies to do, old ones you stopped or some new ones. Guitar, woodworking, piano, dancing, yoga, stamp collecting, shooting, home improvement projects, model building. For when you aren’t lifting heavy weights and/or rolling or punching something.

Stay away from alcohol, do not rely on it to numb the pain. Sure, have a drink or two but don’t let it be a crutch. You are stronger then that. Also use this time to fix your nutrition (I prefer low carb and high protein and fat, along w Intermittent Fasting). And get your sleep, your brain needs to be sharp while you are going through this.

Start pursuing some alternate stream(s) of income other then your regular 9-5. Start w writing business ideas, plans then start pursuing them. Doesn’t have to be huge but something that brings in extra money and gives your mind something to do. (Legal bills will add up quickly, even on amicable splits).

Learn to meditate, starting w a couple minutes a day and work your way up to 10-15 minutes. (This actually lowers my blood pressure, I’ve measured before and after. It also helps w obsessive negative thoughts). There are several apps out there, I use Headspace.

Make your living space your own. Whether you get to stay in your house or have to move. Over time put furniture, art and other items that YOU want and will be proud to show to people you invite over.

Get a therapist. You might have to trial a couple before you find one that you click with and you feel that they understand you. Don’t feel bad about firing them. If they are any good they will help you set some goals for the sessions.

Reach out to friends and family to keep those connections alive or to re-kindle them. Be careful about venting to family and friends about your situation or Ex. It is alright to do for close relationships but keep it vague and short. That is what the therapist is mostly for.

Read books and/or listen to audiobooks, here are some recommendations that I found helpful:

• ⁠Models

• ⁠No More Mr. Nice Guy!

• ⁠The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck

• ⁠The 4-Hour Workweek

• ⁠48 Laws of Power

• ⁠How to Win Friends and Influence People

• ⁠The Rational Male

• ⁠Extreme Ownership

• ⁠Boundaries After a Pathological Relationship

• ⁠Stop Walking on Eggshells

• ⁠Magic Words

• ⁠The Co-dependent’s User Manual (The last 4 are if your Ex was a Narc or Borderline)

The above are just the basics, if you have kids there should be a few others things you should start doing. If your Ex has a personality disorder there are several more things you need to do. Do not share w your Ex you are doing these things. If she finds out, ok but this is your business for you to focus on.

And lastly, do not jump right back into another serious relationship. Figure out the part you played incoming to the divorce. Maybe it wasn’t much or maybe it was. Figure that out. Be ok w being on your own for awhile. Do not repeat the same mistakes that got you were you are right now. I would recommend taking at least a year to work on the above before dating again. If you really focus on the above you will go back to the dating market in a much much better position.

2020-09-18T04:15:54+00:00

Know this: you will get through this. It will be hard. There will be crushing doubt. There will be uncontrollable tears. There will be days you want the world to swallow you up. But you will get through.

In 2 years you'll look back and realise you're stronger, more calm and happier than you've ever been.

This is my story, and will be yours.

PM me if you'd like. I'm happy to chat.

_Watch_Me_Jumpstart_ · 2020-09-18T05:44:14+00:00

Together 20+ years, two young kids.

Went through a similar situation but she never admitted to cheating (though I suspected for three years). She gave me the whole “I love you but I’m not in love with you” talk. Said she didn’t want the house, my pension, child support. She just wanted it over with as soon as possible and said she’d move out.

Best advice I was given: She’s feeling guilty. Use that. Get this in writing and finalize the divorce as soon as possible. You’re marriage is over.

I wanted no part of this divorce but helped her rush it through. Never said anything negative. Supported her 100%. Even helped her move. No lawyers, all mediation. She even stuck to her word (mostly).

She went public with her affair partner as soon as the paperwork was signed.

It takes two to be in a successful marriage. Mine ended, but I’m still in the house my kids grew up in. They see it as “Home” and I owe her nothing. Sucks that it all happened, but use her guilt to benefit you and your kids. You can always help her later if you choose to do so.

All the best, my man.

dukemcrae · 2020-09-18T02:47:46+00:00

First of all, I’m sorry this has happened to you. I’ve been there. It will get better.

Get a family lawyer, a great lawyer. If she claims she wants nothing, act on that as fast as possible. Make a reasonable offer for support etc, and focus on the kids - keep them out of any mudslinging.

You might have to sell the trailer and truck at worst, but hopefully be able to keep the home.

Reach out to friends and people you trust.

No_more_BPD_2020 · 2020-09-18T05:01:55+00:00

Oh, man. I know that feeling. You're in for a ride. Get a lawyer ASAP. There are ways to protect your interests that they'll know and hip you to what you need to do next. I know my head was swimming and I couldn't look out for myself like the lawyer could.

Also, get a therapist tomorrow. You're gonna have a lot of feelings and a lot to talk about, and a therapist is the right outlet for that. It's very easy to tell your lawyer stuff they don't need to hear, at $300+ an hour, or friends and family that can only tolerate so much.

Good luck!

StruckByRedLightning · 2020-09-18T09:06:55+00:00

> She claims that she wants to keep things status quo for the children and wants nothing

Don't you fall for that. Lawyer, and do NOT move out.

derikrich · 2020-09-18T17:17:04+00:00

I'm am so appreciative of all of you right now. It doesn't take much to warm my heart right now but damm. I have one other question, since I'm hearing how easy it is to have a lawyer suck you dry. What are the risks of a non-contested online divorce?

deadlast5 · 2020-09-18T14:28:35+00:00

STOP! You are not in the mindset to make any decisions. You are in a reactionary mode. You need to not agree to anything. You need someone with a clear head and experience to help you.

Next, every thing you are feeling is temporary. You will come through all of this. But you need to take care of yourself from an emotional and health standpoint. Read, listen, exercise, and eat.

Good luck. We’ve all been there and made it out. You will get through this as well.

Kulpdogg · 2020-09-18T16:35:53+00:00

Start gathering facts and data NOW. Call a family law attorney yesterday. You have to assume she already has. I’m sorry but she is no longer your wife. Yes the mother to your children, but if she tries to take you to the cleaners that will affect your life with your kids. Do everything in your power to not let that happen.

Document everything from now on. Try and get as much in text, email, and writing as possible. Gather all financial account information you can. Place locks on your credit.

I’m not saying she will be vindictive or hateful, but it’s better to be fully prepared then caught with your guard down.

If you need anything at all ever feel free to reach out to myself or the group here. Everyone was crazy helpful when I went through my mess. The level of suck you are going through right now is immeasurable. Everyone will tell you that this will end. It will. It doesn’t seem like it now, but you will get through it I promise.

Title	SO FUCKING LOST
Author	derikrich
Upvotes	25
Comments	21
Date	September 18, 2020 1:52 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/iux55g/so_fucking_lost/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/so-fucking-lost.1195247 https://theredarchive.com/post/1195247

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