So tense up

Farmearth · 2024-05-31T22:08:28+00:00

I am in a similar situation. 58m 27 yrs m, 30 total live in the SF Bay area. Wife retired early with health issues and I supported it 5+ years ago. Now with divorce the question becomes how long do I have to pay her alimony. I say until I'm 63 as we had discussed for the last 10 years. Now she is thinking I should keep working for many years so she can live a good life in her retirement while I keep working to support her. This this is a mutual divorce.

Particular_Car7127 · 2024-05-27T22:19:29+00:00

Me personally, I retired early, and started enjoying the fruits of my labor. No use continuing to work to only pay her 50% more for my sacrifice. Instead of hating her, retire early and pursue your dreams, focus on yourself and enjoy yourself. Go see a shrink and therapist and get antidepressants to calm yourself down. Meanwhile, downsize your lifestyle as you would anyway in retirement. Respect yourself, and learn to let go of the rat race.

47omek · 2024-05-27T20:19:14+00:00

Slow down, no need to be in a hurry here. If you can smooth things over for a bit with her and retire early immediately and establish that as the baseline income level for a couple of years, then file after that. You should be looking at no alimony at that point. After divorce is final and you've lost half the assets but gotten no alimony order, you could go back to work to rebuild the nest egg a bit if you really feel like you need to.

NC_Geezus · 2024-05-27T17:51:05+00:00

Get a lawyer first and follow their plan.

Can you retire now, before filing? Might change the income picture.

Puzzleheaded_Monk_39 · 2024-05-27T14:35:08+00:00

Stay strong. I’m in the same boat California. Luckily I’m pulling the trigger at 8 years. Look into ostler smith support orders which can help you with alimony and child support if you make a ton in bonuses etc. I plan to ask for it on my calculations and just not work as hard and go for base salary. More than 50% of my income was from extra shifts and bonuses. In terms of retirement I’m younger than you by a decade and change and I am considering becoming an expat. At first losing 50/50 in the 7 figure range was like terrible but after doing the math I’m saving long term and I’m free. I think you only need to pay until retirement if you can argue that. My dad did same for my mom and stopped paying at 65. So hopefully this helps. DM if you need more help

Mopey_Robot · 2024-05-27T14:15:14+00:00

1.) You have to make peace that everything you worked financially is going to be obliterated. This is very difficult. Once you are ready to severely adjust you exterior lifestyle for interior peace, you will be ready. don't beat yourself up - we all make mistake, and we learn when we learn. You have a good 15-20 years ahead of you (assuming okay health) - make the most of it. re: your kids - they will come around in 5-10 years once they have had adult experiences - or maybe not. That is on them. (emotionally I know that is hard.)

2.) You will lost more than half in California. It's 1/2 of the house value, bank accounts, retirement, etc. minus debt. Then there will be the child support (she will try to force you to pay for college for the 17 years old and stuff past 18 years old - do not agree to anything like that in writing (what you do on your own is your choice, not the gov't). And then the alimony on top of that, and any child support. Do not do a "combined" alimony+child support payment - ensure they are separate line items and calculated separately. There is a standard calculator the state of CA uses, and while there are some variations, it's more or less pegged to your income, with an assumption your stack of nickels will never go down.

3.) Talk to a lawyer. You may think you are done when you are 65, but it could be well past that if you keep working and having income. It's all about your current and future income and how much she can claw from it. If she is working, keep her working!

4.) Get own lawyer, and then consider a mediator. More money, but less likely to completely destroyed. You really don't want to go to court - family courts don't want to see cases like yours. They don't about your finances, feeling, you have to work, your health, etc. Unless you are abusing your kids or wife, it's a waste of their time - they expect adults to settle your stuff and leave the courts free to help "the children". 99% chance you case is mediated out. Better you to submit a "fair" settlement to the court to be rubber-stamped rather than go to court.

5.) Whatever your past year of income is, that will be the basis of what you are expected to provide (they may do a 2-3 year look-back). Again consult a lawyer.

6.) Remember this - lawyers get to see your full financial picture. They know they can, as a general rule, bleed you for 80% of your net worth until someone breaks/gives in. Every dollar that goes to them is a dollar that does not go to you, wife or kids. Many women do not get this, and in their rage (and it sounds like you have a BPD one on your hands), they go scorched earth until hopefully their lawyer tells them to settle - but again, the lawyer is you best friend until you run out of money, and they know exactly how much you and her have.

7.) Most importantly - act normal. Do not tip your hand in any way. Just get all your planning in place, then execute. Also, never leave the house - no matter what - just live in another room and keep an audio recorder on you at all time. If she assault you, call the police and file a restraining order the same day or next. Never leave the house, or be convinced to by cops or anyone else. The moment you leave the house without a settlement agreement in place, you have lost leverage. You will have to keep paying for that house, taxes, etc, as well as the other place you live. She will have no incentive to leave.

I could go on, but I think you get the picture. You are in a tough spot, and no one will care, and people will paint you as a monster. It will be a tough. But better to live the rest of your live without a BPD woman. The stress of the marriage is burning out your adrenals and slowly killing you. You will look back, and realize it was the best decision you could have made.

EnvironmentalAd3558 · 2024-05-27T06:48:20+00:00

If you split everything 50-50, it sounds like each of you will have $3.5M.

Why are you still working 60 hours a week. why don’t you take some long vacations.

It would seem that each of you could retire on that sum, maybe not as high on the hog and maybe not in the Bay Area but at least somewhere else. What would happen if you just told her that you are retiring(and possibly moving)? It might give you some great leverage.

I know CA is one of the worst states for husbands like you divorcing but it seems that a judge would not force you to work if you no longer need to. Involuntary servitude has been abolished. Retirement at 60 is reasonable for someone with your assets.

Get a good local divorce attorney and figure out an exit plan. Do what is best for you. Set your own goals without regard to her and enjoy the rest of your life.

domo_roboto · 2024-05-27T06:06:51+00:00

Since you’re concerned about kids and alimony, you should see if an amicable mediated separation is possible with her. It’s the best way to thread the needles that are against you right now

purehappysoul · 2024-05-27T05:49:10+00:00

I will go mad If stay in this marriage as well loose relationships with all my family members as she breaking bridge with everyone and fighting with everyone. She talking to Counsellar from last one year ( for her depression) and reinforced repeatedly that I am the cause of her depression and me and my friendly doesn’t treat her well. When she has anger outburst I just go away but once I a while when I get angry or shout ( no physical violence) she record it and save them.

Title	So tense up
Author	purehappysoul
Upvotes	4
Comments	14
Date	May 27, 2024 5:17 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1d1k531/so_tense_up/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/so-tense-up.1519671 https://theredarchive.com/post/1519671

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