Splitting costs over CS?

pegleg_legal · 2021-10-05T02:52:05+00:00

Usually there will be a clause in the marital settlement agreement stating that the parties will split all costs for special events and whatnot that they agree on, otherwise the party incurring the costs is solely responsible.

If you're showing up and you have a good enough relationship to do the party together, that is great. So I would be okay with splitting the direct party costs, with receipts, but the gifts are her deal because you already bought them your own. Alternatively, you can see how much she spent and how much you spent and split the difference so you both give them all the gifts.

As for the driving, I would not let her ease into that habit. It's not about you having free time you don't spend with your kids, it's about her taking care of her responsibilities. On the other hand, more time with your kids. But that's essentially an unofficial modification of the parenting schedule and you also incur costs. My general inclination is a hard no, though. I wouldn't open the door with the "if I'm free" because then suddenly you're scheduling your time around her pickups.

streetsmartwallaby · 2021-10-05T02:46:52+00:00

I think it’s pretty common but it should not be and you should not feel you have to comply.

I would drive the kids on her days if I was free - more time for me with them; we almost always stopped for dinner or ice cream… A couple of times she tried to “reclaim” that time by saying she would drive them on my days but I always told her no.

I refused to pay for the parties she threw for them. I would go halfies on gifts if I thought it was something the kids would like.

You are not a terrible dad; strong boundaries are a good thing.

Throwaway4120213 · 2021-10-05T03:15:47+00:00

Your agreement should spell out what is in addition to child support. Sports, extracurricular, work related child care (not childcare because one person wants a date night or vacation) are typically on top of CS.

Birthday parties are grey areas. Ours say joint bdays that we both agree upon get split. If it’s a bday the ex throws for the kid with mostly her family or if I’m not attending, I don’t contribute.

On driving the kids - no do not set the precedent. You stepping in on her days should be the exception - only when you are available AND you want to (anything you do on her days is a bonus she should be grateful for - you should not feel guilty about not helping on her days). It’s up to her to figure out how to get the kids to and from their activities on her days - if her plan is to have the co-parent take over that responsibility - that is NOT a viable plan. You are no longer married - you are not the default plan - you are the emergency plan. She needs to figure out a consistent plan that doesn’t just run through you .

DarthFritter01 · 2021-10-05T03:34:10+00:00

Tough call, man, and it's going to take a working knowledge of your ex and her motives for you to get a handle on. I'm sure there are enough experienced members here to talk you through this chess match. Here's my take: I contribute anything I can beyond the required CS and insurance, because I know I'm in a position to do so and I don't want my son to favor one of us over the other because of money. I want him to have what he needs, and not stress about his mom's budget. Anything extra is usually presented as a gift from both of us. It sounds like you'd do the same, if it were on your terms rather than her leverage position. I say "tough call" because she has no right to spend your money for you by expecting you to pay for half the party and gifts, while you are stuck in an emotionally hostile environment to celebrate your child's special day. If you stand up for yourself without establishing a history of going above and beyond, you run the risk of her trashing your name to anyone who'll listen, including the kids. Sadly, the friction is going to be felt by your kids if your ex chooses to spin her unfulfilled sense of entitlement as hardship and lack of contribution on your part. At some point you have to draw a line, but before you tip your hand: make every effort to establish a paper trail. Don't do anything in cash, and keep receipts for everything. When the line is drawn, and if she chooses to play games, you've got your proof of every dime. You don't have to make it known if she doesn't threaten, but you have the receipts of she does.

ThrowAwayRAOoops · 2021-10-05T03:40:49+00:00

It is common to make arrangements to split extra children's expenses. It is also common to argue about them until the end of time.

The birthday party? Maybe.

Sports activities, you both should support them and contribute to them equally. That can include that when she needs help getting your child to their activity on her time - she might ask you - you are their father after all. It's reasonable to work together on raising your child.

If she signs them up for something without getting you on board and then asks you to pay for it and make sure the kids get there on your time though - that's an imposition that you do not have to accept (though it might upset your kid).

Our agreement is that we have to agree to split things and support things or the parent who wants it becomes responsible essentially.

It's ugly business when one of you puts the kid in between the two of you. If she's not communicating up front about these things then you need to talk about that - is it not detailed in your divorce agreement? Mine has damned near two pages on it.

dday_throwaway3 · 2021-10-05T12:10:42+00:00

> Is it normal to pay for extras on top of CS?

Only for healthcare, extracurriculars, education and religion. And in those situations, you split the expenses. If the mother wants a birthday party at her residence, she pays for it. Not you.

Title	Splitting costs over CS?
Author	DontShoot0808
Upvotes	5
Comments	10
Date	October 5, 2021 2:33 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/q1lhon/splitting_costs_over_cs/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/splitting-costs-over-cs.1077355 https://theredarchive.com/post/1077355

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