The Kids

Extra_Bed7419 · 2026-04-20T02:17:11+00:00

Currently in the same position… in a stale “marriage” sleep in separate rooms… can’t stand each other and just here to manage the household and try to keep it together for the kids… 8 and 4 year old the 8yr old would be devastated but it’s also better than the constant arguing, the lying and the resentment

Parents were divorced when I was 10 and it still haunts me as well but I’m on the same exact track and nothing can save it at this point.. but I also don’t deserve to be treated how I am I’m to the point I’m trying to find things to do to not be in this house but that’s also bad for the kids. It’s all a struggle I don’t think there is an actual “right way” to mange this

But I truly think the whole “it’s not your fault thing” is played out.. I might try for the watered down truth Mom and Dad just aren’t happy sometimes you fall in love and then sometimes things don’t work out where there isn’t love anymore.. obviously wording can be better but just a rough idea…

darmitage55 · 2026-04-19T22:37:18+00:00

That conversation is brutal. No way around it.

One thing that helped us: don't make it a big dramatic sit-down if you can help it. Car rides, a walk, doing something side by side. Kids open up more when there's no eye contact and no pressure. And say it together with your ex if at all possible. Unified front matters more than the words.

Vollen595 · 2026-04-19T18:00:05+00:00

I was contemplating for about two years on how to gracefully navigate an exit plan and cause as little disruption to our daughter. Mom is a narcissistic psychopath who threatened multiple times to simply ‘kidnap’ my daughter when I was away at work. Only I wasn’t aware of the threats, the ex was sounding off to a then 11 year old. Like many here, I imagined grinding the dead marriage until my kid was an adult.

One day my daughter comes home after a sleepover and calmly sits down in front of both mom and dad and absolutely blows her moms world of lies. Told me mom was cheating on me, doing drugs and also that mom was not only fully aware daughter knew, she had been threatening her to keep silent or she would kidnap her and move away without telling me.

While I’m sitting there almost too stunned to speak, daughter starts dropping receipts. She collected a lot. Pics, notes, dates, and gave them to me. Her mom? Went ballistic. Immediately starting screaming at daughter calling her a lying manipulate B and a whole lot of things no adult should say to any child, especially her own. Denied the photos were her (yeah right) and daughter looks at mom and says there were other guys where mom showed her pics and said ‘do you think I should hook up with this guy instead of your dad?’ At age 13!

I took the diplomatic approach. By a vote of 2-1 mom was immediately voted off the island. Out the door she went. My daughter never even raised her voice, just coldly dropped the bombs. It turns out my kid was terrified of being taken away from her life, school and friends and wanted to be away from her mom. I filed for divorce, the STBX went full meltdown and ramped up her substance abuse, threats, bizarre behavior and began openly carrying a gun. The courts and counselors stepped in and weighed the tons of evidence of past and current dangerous behavior and per my daughters own request- she was issued a no contact order until daughter is an adult. Bizarrely they also told the ex not to disturb me either. My kid was 14 and a hell of a lot more credible than her mom. Daughter has been zero contact with mom ever since. She will be 17 soon.

So I don’t have to tell my kid, she figured it out on her own (to my horror). Mom moved and lives nowhere close so that’s been a bonus. I definitely carry a lot of guilt for allowing the situation to get that far out of hand. But I was divorced in less than a year so there wasn’t years of 50/50 torturous custody with her lunatic mom. Daughter is soo much happier now. She rarely even mentions her mom. We don’t talk about her. My daughters counselor/therapist tells me her reactions are healthy as part of her own recovery (ptsd and anxiety triggers, wonder why) so I just have to accept it for what it is. A shitty ex wife, a mom not allowed anywhere near her own child and a court that listened to the words of a teenager. Its a given the ex has some severe mental issues. Who blames a child for their actions? Vicious too. I’m not sure my daughter will ever allow her mom to be part of her life again.

I’m fine with that. The ex is a dangerous person. Zero accountability to this day. She’s never done anything wrong in her mind. She believes that me and my daughter manipulated the system to fuck her over. Reality is, I was devastated by all of it. Divorce was to protect my child. Mom earned two OoP before the divorce was final. Just say no to drugs kids. Some people are too broken to be fixed.

OctinoxateAndZinc · 2026-04-19T13:18:44+00:00

Any tips or tricks for when we tell them?

IMO you should try and do it in the morning so they have the whole day to process it. The worst thing is dropping it at dinner/later and they then ruminate on it alone all night. Maybe keep them home because dropping that and sending them off could be ROUGH. No special treats/dinners/gifts before or after - this is just a normal day with bad news. If you do anything 'fun' future fun things will be associated with this and everyone waiting for the other shoe to drop.

You're going to want as much day time processing as you can because the night will be bad enough.

ALSO - if you haven't already reach out to your kids school/teachers/principal a heads up here (just that this is happening and she was told) and if you school has a social worker, them as well. Ask they keep an eye out for anything odd and it will also give the kids some extra grace at school if work suffers or things get problematic.

If possible both you and your wife should be there to give age appropriate answers and if things get hot you need to end the convo. No blame at all for anyone here because at 10/12 years old your kids are going to have this day seared into their memory.

CodSilly5460 · 2026-04-19T07:20:04+00:00

Im in the same situatuon My wife asked for divorce and doesnt want to take responsibility to tell the kids. But wants to say that we both wanted it. If its better for the kids ill go for it. But i feel like an idiot owning her shit. Bjt if its better for the kids what can i do? Any advise on this!

curtdogg47 · 2026-04-19T02:02:44+00:00

My ex wife cheated on me and then asked for a divorce. While we were meeting with our therapist for the last time together. The therapist asked how we were going to tell the kids.

I said what we? There’s no fucking we anymore. She wants the divorce, I don’t. She can tell me and the kids she’s leaving!

Which to my surprise she agreed to!

And so me and the kids sat on the couch at home together and there mom stood there trying to explain what was happening and that she wasn’t going to be married to me anymore and was going to live in a new place and they would take turns staying with each of us.

I was hurt by her cheating, and definitely hurt by her wanting to destroy our family. Even in that state, One thing I knew for sure is that I would play no part in sharing the burden of telling my kids that I agreed with there mom and wanted the same thing. I wanted my kids to know that while I didn’t do the best at being a husband every day, I made mistakes but I still fought to be better, I tried to work on myself, and my relationship with there mom. I did everything I could to keep our family together. And while I wanted us all together there mom wanted something.

Since our divorce there mom has struggled with them, behavioral issues, and disrespect from the kids towards her. And she doesn’t understand why. And play dumb with her on it. Everyone knows divorce hits kids hard and I feel one of the reasons is that parents are supposed to be the constant in a kids life. Well what happens when both parents flake out and say we are splitting up?

This is something I saw, so I decided I wouldn’t agree to be a part of something that destroys that constant in my kids lives.

So for the past 6 years there mom has been the flake and me still the constant they can always count on.

When I wife breaks her oaths and asks to end the marriage as men we should remove our protection from her and hang that bitch out to dry and ware the full weight of her stupid ass decisions!

My apologies I got a little heated in this response! My advice is if you don’t want the divorce let her tell you and the kids on her own!

Outside-Jicama-8468 · 2026-04-19T01:09:08+00:00

I told my older two the truth. Told the younger two, the basics. Just mommy and daddy grew apart. I answered questions and assured them I was NOT going anywhere. It wasn't their fault. I didn't give details. They don't need to know or understand. Then she decided to show up with her new boyfriend. They had more questions and I explained to them that the reason I chose to ask for a divorce is because mommy found someone else and this is what adults do when they decide to not be together.

I kept the hate tampered down. I didn't blast their mom or call her names. She is still their mom and they still love her. But they are learning over time. Her misdoings and actions tell a harsher story than I could have.

Just give it a little time. Be honest above all. Answer all questions age appropriately. Do not attack their mom. Overall, be there for them and be the better person.

painfulletdown · 2026-04-19T01:00:11+00:00

you might be surprised that your kids already understand. Mine have alot of friends whose parents divorced.

BloodstainedBearRug · 2026-04-19T00:46:18+00:00

I’m with you. I think I’ve posted the same problem before. My son, only kid, is 9 almost 10. I hear his little voice and little laugh and always think he’s too innocent for all of this. I’m so scared to tell him, but to be completely honest he’s probably ready for it. Wife and I have been living together separately for 4.5 months now.

Fawn001 · 2026-04-18T23:46:57+00:00

We told the kids (6,5,5) together in a logistical way and they been pretty good, but are a but younger than yours. My stress before telling was insane but wasn’t anywhere near as bad as i thought.

Ecstatic-Eye-5766 · 2026-04-18T23:36:24+00:00

One thing I heard and never forgot. You are flying and In the moment of the storm you look at the crew and see them in peace with it. Not showing any anxiety or nervous , you feel safe. This is exactly how you need to act with your kids they will look at you and see how you are reacting and will affect them too. Either in peace or anger. Try to prepare yourself first and then talk to them.

Ecstatic-Eye-5766 · 2026-04-18T23:33:52+00:00

Man, this is exactly what I was brainstorming on my way home 15 min ago and I still don’t have the answer. But I will say this. This shit happened to me 10 yrs ago and I stay for the kids but it’s killing me inside. I’m not authentic, I hide my emotions all for my kid and still thinking when is the time to leave. If I leave her she will move to her mom’s house far away from me and not good for the kid ( bad city ). Idk I’m full of conflicts in my mind too. Wish u the best.

Title	The Kids
Author	Sufficient_Fish_1811
Upvotes	12
Comments	14
Date	April 18, 2026 11:29 PM UTC (3 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1spct27/the_kids/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/the-kids.1578299 https://theredarchive.com/post/1578299

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