This subreddit is amazing, even reading your posts and comments has me feeling like there may be a positive way forward

WartimeDad · 2021-04-08T17:57:20+00:00

Yeah given what her sister said, it sounds like she is set on divorce.

Record all interactions you have with her from now on.

Get an attorney.
Get time with your daughter

You should immediately request time with your daughter. You need to be a part of her life, especially right now as all these weird changes are happening for her. You need to care for her. Calmly request time with your daughter and record their response.

Exercise. Start looking for a place to live. Talk to an attorney before leaving.

Jonger1150 · 2021-04-08T21:13:41+00:00

The pain lessened for me over time. So glad I never killed myself, even though I considered it.

dday_throwaway3 · 2021-04-08T18:27:17+00:00

Rule #1 in divorce: Do not take legal advice from your STBX, or her family.

If you have a lease, the landlord can't kick you out because you're divorcing.

Retain a family law attorney immediately. Divorce is not something you DIY.

sicrm · 2021-04-08T20:14:02+00:00

get a lawyer ASAP.

also, shift how you look at your wife’s family. they’re her family, not yours.

in most cases, they side with her, which means they side against you.

build your own support system to help your through this and don’t willingly leave that house unless your lawyer says it’s fine

xdrunkagainx · 2021-04-08T22:26:15+00:00

Go get a paternity test now. That baby might not even be yours and she's trying to get you on the hook for 18 years of support. You need to understand that she is no longer your wife but your enemy going forward. As for the house look up the tenant laws in your state. They can't just toss you out. There's a process for evicting tenants and Covid laws have been passed to prevent people being evicted during the scamdemic. Stay as long as possible, rent free if you can.

No_more_BPD_2020 · 2021-04-08T21:03:13+00:00

OP, my experience is that this was all overwhelming, and I had to recalibrate some long held beliefs I had, such as in fairness, rights, or what expensive looks like.

Terrif to hear you're looking for a lawyer. My experience was that the first 30 days after being served were quite important, but that's in the USA.

I'd encourage you to get a therapist, ASAP, for a lot of reasons. Preferably one with divorce experience or specialty. Gotta start building a support system, and a therapist is the right person to discuss details that may be too much for others to hear, at least in my experience.

If the lawyer says it's OK, I'd actually consider moving out, ASAP. Sure, maybe you have a legal right to stay. However, is the juice worth the squeeze? Landlords can be difficult under good circumstances, and you're in an adversarial legal situation with their sister. Just too many what ifs for me, anyway.

Stay strong, please post often!

Adorable_FecalSpray · 2021-04-08T21:13:07+00:00

Man, I am sorry to hear and sorry you have been blindsided by this.

You have already received a lot of good advice here.

Here is mine...

Advice when faced w divorce

Here is what I did and highly recommend to other guys going through divorce to start doing (these are just basics).

Lift, heavy weights. If you don’t have access to heavy weights, then body weight exercises and cardio. The idea is you physically exhaust your body, which increases good chemicals in your brain. It will make you look better too, which helps with self-confidence. This can help w feelings of anger too. Also more muscles, those are good too.

Start and do BJJ, Muay Thai and/or Boxing 3-6x a week. This will help you mentally as well as physically. Also it will help you be somewhat social. This can help w feelings of anger too. Punching a heavy bag for 5 minutes straight is pretty tiring and builds strength. And after a few minutes you are just thinking of breathing and hitting and not a whole bunch else.

Find some hobbies to do, old ones you stopped or some new ones. Guitar, woodworking, piano, dancing, yoga, stamp collecting, shooting, home improvement projects, model building. For when you aren’t lifting heavy weights and/or rolling or punching something.

Stay away from alcohol, do not rely on it to numb the pain. Sure, have a drink or two but don’t let it be a crutch. You are stronger then that. Also use this time to fix your nutrition (I prefer low carb and high protein and fat, along w Intermittent Fasting). And get your sleep, your brain needs to be sharp while you are going through this.

Start pursuing some alternate stream(s) of income other then your regular 9-5. Start w writing business ideas and plans then start pursuing them. Doesn’t have to be huge but something that brings in extra money and gives your mind something to do. (Legal bills will add up quickly, even on amicable splits).

Learn to meditate, starting w a couple minutes a day and work your way up to 10-15 minutes. (This actually lowers my blood pressure, I’ve measured before and after. It also helps w obsessive negative thoughts). There are several apps out there, I use Headspace.

Make your living space your own. Whether you get to stay in your house or have to move. Over time put furniture, art and other items that YOU want and will be proud to show to people you invite over.

Get a therapist. You might have to trial a couple before you find one that you click with and you feel that they understand you. Don’t feel bad about firing them. If they are any good they will help you set some goals for the sessions.

Reach out to friends and family to keep those connections alive or to re-kindle them. Be careful about venting to family and friends about your situation or Ex. It is alright to do for close relationships but keep it vague and short. That is what the therapist is mostly for.

Read books and/or listen to audiobooks, here are some recommendations that I found helpful:

• ⁠Models

• ⁠No More Mr. Nice Guy!

• ⁠The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck

• ⁠The 4-Hour Workweek

• ⁠48 Laws of Power

• ⁠How to Win Friends and Influence People

• ⁠The Rational Male

• ⁠Extreme Ownership

• Discipline Equals Freedom

• ⁠Boundaries After a Pathological Relationship

• ⁠Stop Walking on Eggshells

• ⁠Magic Words

• ⁠The Co-dependent’s User Manual (The last 4 are if your Ex was a Narc or Borderline)

The above are just the basics, if you have kids there should be a few others things you should start doing. If your Ex has a personality disorder there are several more things you need to do. Do not share w your Ex you are doing these things. If she finds out, ok but this is your business for you to focus on. This not a sprint, it is more like a marathon, just keep moving forward one foot in front of the other.

And lastly, do NOT jump right back into another serious relationship. Figure out the part you played incoming to the divorce. Maybe it wasn’t much or maybe it was. Figure that out. Be ok w being on your own for awhile. Do not repeat the same mistakes that got you where you are right now. I would recommend taking at least a year to work on the above before dating again. If you really focus on the above you will go back to the dating market, if you so choose, in a much much better position.

Rock_Granite · 2021-04-08T22:55:59+00:00

Daughter is 17 weeks and now your wife wants a divorce??? That’s savage.

Title	This subreddit is amazing, even reading your posts and comments has me feeling like there may be a positive way forward
Author	Heat_in_4
Upvotes	9
Comments	24
Date	April 8, 2021 5:13 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/mmwim9/this_subreddit_is_amazing_even_reading_your_posts/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/this-subreddit-is-amazing-even-reading-your-posts.817251 https://theredarchive.com/post/817251

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