What's wrong with me

xosto · 2023-06-14T13:16:22+00:00

There is nothing wrong with you first of all you are experiencing grief and the loss relationship and perhaps you're feeling abandoned as well.

Even if this is something that you wanted at some level You are still feeling abandoned because you didn't get the relationship that you wanted and deserved.

That's right you deserve to be happy deserve to be in a loving relationship but you would prefer to be in a unfulfilling relationship then to not be in one at all. That's human nature that your aversion to risk and loss and perhaps at some level feeling like this is all there is.

These feelings that you're going through you cannot avoid them or run from them or numb yourself because till you process them or until you walk through the fire and feel each step and feel the heat and the pain and everything that comes with it until you sat in it long enough that you understand that it doesn't have a hold over you.

This is the process of healing the open wound and what you really want to try to avoid forming these calluses is forming a callus over the part of your being or the part of your heart that is going to be open and receptive to love. it's a lot of men here who say they're never going to give their heart to someone or open their heart because the pain is just too much and it's not worth it.

But if these people in your life were your mission and purpose at some point then there was something good that came of it and your longing for it means that it fixed something that felt that was missing.

What you're going to have to do is a lot of self-reflection and work not only in yourself but also in discovering your mission and purpose in life.

A lot of men get through this without a lot of reflection simply by going to the gym and doing really well at work and these two things just happen to be part of a man's purpose and true nature.

Being in the best physical shape of your life might make for great pictures and a dating profile but your body is your vessel And it will help you accomplish your life's purpose if you take care of it and if you keep it in great condition there's a lot of other benefits you get from it including mental health and easier attraction from other people.

What you're going to get here is advice and two forms you're going to get the what and the how but only you can answer the why.

Will tell you go to the gym and they tell you what exercises to do and maybe I'm giving you some of the advice about the why you have to answer the question for yourself why do I need to go to the gym and you need to have a strong belief about this and how that ties into your relationship with yourself and your relationship with yourself will help formulate a contract that will keep you accountable and disciplined.

It's my belief that transformation and adaptation requires knowing yourself and respecting yourself at a deep level so there is your body that is doing the actions and there is your mind that is creating logical decisions but whether you call it the heart or your spirit that I think is who you really are and you need to be congruent with yourself and your values.

You said your purpose in life was to take care of your wife and your child. Examine that and determine if there was a broader purpose that included that because for many people they had a purpose before they got into a relationship and that purpose changes and once you exit that relationship your purpose can change too.

Perhaps a big part of your purpose will be your child for many parents it is but give yourself permission to dream big without negative self-talk or obstacles. That will help recalibrate you know what that is or once you know and you can feel and visualize a life where you're living the way you want to live. .. For me I thought All right let me visualize a life where my wife doesn't leave me I'm still together with my family and I was diluting myself saying that was what I wanted because as you mentioned you had issues with the relationship before him and I had issues with my wife and our relationship too.

If I really dream big and I pull out the players and pieces in my life right now and rearrange the board I know for example I want to be in a relationship with someone where I feel the attraction is strong and mutual. With my wife I know that I was always for attracted to her that she was to me. Or even if she was attracted to me she had trouble expressing herself emotionally and it took a lot for me to get it out of her. But I know why I married a person like that because we both had trouble expressing ourselves emotionally because you're raised in homes were a big feelings were not good. I've gotten past that but she never did and didn't want to either.

Honestly the challenge with moving on is knowing that if only the person made the changes you wanted to and could see the changes you made yourself then everything would be fine but it's not all in your control maybe more of it is than you think it is and that's what's creating the ambiguity. Maybe you feel there's more you can do and you're frustrated that you can't affect that change but rather than trying to fix the whole situation find things that you can do and fix today and just chip away at it and who knows sometimes people change and come back and sometimes they Don't but ultimately you will have been fixing yourself all along and you will be ready for whatever comes your way

Noodletrousers · 2023-06-14T13:07:54+00:00

From what you’ve described, these feelings are completely normal. They became your world and now your world is fractured. You had inertia (even if it was unhappy and unhealthy). Now you have a big unknown in front of you. It got better for me after a long while, but it still hurts occasionally.

It sucks being told that you’re not loved by a person who at one point proclaimed that they would love you for the rest of your lives.

You’re doing all of the right things. Keep going and remember that this is a trauma and trauma takes time to heal. Keep coming back here and other places that provide support.

Motor-Connection5608 · 2023-06-14T15:29:10+00:00

Noting wrong with you bro. You are a caring man. You married for the long run, you built a family for the long run. Feeling sad about something you put your heart into does not mean something is wrong with you - not in the least!

CommanderOfCheese45 · 2023-06-14T16:13:05+00:00

If I was so unhappy during our marriage, why am I feeling this way as we divorce?

Because, good or not, it's a loss. Divorce isn't a magic happy pill and it doesn't actually solve any problems unless your spouse was the problem.

There's nothing wrong with you. This is pretty normal and typical.

reading books, working out, seeing a counselor, got a new job

but are you doing something that you love doing? A lot of men find themselves getting better when they hit the gym, but I believe that's a coincidence that they happen to love improving their bodies, and it doesn't work for everyone. Try writing stories using platforms like Wattpad to have people actually see what you write. Try getting into music, publish on YouTube or TikTok or Facebook or whatever to have people actually see you perform. Try carpentry -- and again, actually show people what you've done.

The joy isn't from checking off a list. It's from feeling like you're kicking ass at something.

Small_Quarter_3673 · 2023-06-14T23:07:44+00:00

The more you show that you want her the more she'll push you away. Just let her be

Chico7oficios · 2023-06-14T15:02:29+00:00

Nothing is wrong with you, I never been married so I dont even what im doing here but everyone feels like this after a breakup and will take time. You are already moving in the right direction by wanting to improve yourself, most people get stuck for months until they take any action.

You got this!

captainchippsixx · 2023-06-14T22:32:51+00:00

You need to look deeper into it. Usually a woman has some one already lined up before she tells you. It’s such a high probability it’s not even funny.

Watch strong successful male on you tube. Go back to your roots as a man.

Title	What's wrong with me
Author	90sGustavo
Upvotes	6
Comments	10
Date	June 14, 2023 12:42 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1496wc1/whats_wrong_with_me/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/whats-wrong-with-me.1222382 https://theredarchive.com/post/1222382

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