When will things get better

Gattsama · 2023-07-23T09:28:43+00:00

The problem is one of culture. The current culture in the West is horrible. 50% of marriages end in divorce, 80% of divorces are initiated by the women. 98% of people receiving alimony are women. Women get the primary residency of the children 90% of the time. No fault divorce means that of you do everything right: work hard, SAHW, 3 kids, never cheat or even flirt with other women, are open honest and trustworthy; she can file for divorce and depending on state (CA) still take 50% of everything you have built, the kids, get child support and spousal support. In CA, after 10 years, possibly spousal support for life.

Those are horrible numbers. Yes, a few make it work, but they are not the norm. Of married couples, only about half are happily married. So only about 1/4 of marriages actually work.

Step back and take a big picture view. Marriage actually involves se real institutions: religious, social / cultural, and legal (among others).

You want to have a traditional ceremony before god and declear your commitment to each other, do so. You want a ceremony or party with friends and family. Where to exchange rings, do so.

But do NOT sign the legal contract with the government. And the contract is between you in the government, not you and your wife. It provides several small benefits that otherwise require lots more paperwork. But what the government contract primarily is is a prenuptial. It outlines how assets, children, debts, etc will be divided if either party terminates the contract.

I, and several others, would go far as to say that the government contract slightly incentivizes women to break the contract. After all, no fault. Once broken, they keep getting financial support from you and can still obtain support on top of that from others.

The general advice is along the lines of 'well you picked poorly' or 'not all women are like that.' And this is partly true. The problem isn't with any one woman. The problem is with the system. The system is fundamentally broken! No sane person would accept this horrible contract from a bank or empower. Due to 'love' people keep entering into the contract thinking they will be the one to beat the odds. But it's a horrible gamble, and like all gambling even thought there some winners; the house always win...

If you want a family, you can have one without the legal contract. Or you have to move to a different culture (ie outside of the west) but then be prepared to stay outside of the west. Because again, it's not a woman problem, it's a systems problem.

Stay safe out there...

IceDue123 · 2023-07-23T11:45:54+00:00

I think things will get worse for the institution of marriage. I don’t know if it will get more favorable ever. A couple reasons for this.

The internet is introducing men to the RP movement. Men are seeing marriage as a bad deal. It also showcases via apps such as TikTok etc the true toxicity of women, exposing their narcissism and unrealistic standards. Feminism is also placing women in a role in marriage that they are not qualified for and don’t actually want.

In days past for a man to get laid, he would have to be in shape, look good, have some rizz, pay for dinner, in the hopes of scoring. A lot of that is a complete pain in the ass to men. Now, some overweight dude just logs onto pornhub or grabs his passport and problem solved.

As more and more men become RP, there are more men to spend time with, as even less become married, even less incentive to get married. I don’t think being single as a guy is viewed negativley anymore as in the past. I think more married guys are jealous of their single brethren than the other way around.

As there is a smaller pool of men, women’s expectations are getting higher, leaving them less likely to meet the man of their dreams, but they are just doubling down.

I got divorced three years ago and at the time I thought I would die, it was the worst experience of my life but now I am starting to believe it was a blessing in disguise.

NohoTwoPointOh · 2023-07-23T07:15:20+00:00

No.

As long as Title IV-D exists, negative.

Why do you wish to marry?

Lumptbuttcat · 2023-07-23T14:20:00+00:00

Yea the odds are terrible but it’s less about just statistics and more about the pool of people. In other words, there’s less marriage capable women. So if you desire to get married and have a family, you need to do a lot more due diligence than just find someone who appears to want the same. Wanting and being capable are two different things. Here’s my advice.

Need to date a couple years before getting married. All the sparks need to die and then see what you have. Do you have a high level of transparency, companionship and connection? That’s different then comfort and complacency. Do you honestly feel good about communication and your abilities to collectively resolve conflict.

Need to look close at her parents and her family dynamics. If she comes from a divorced upbringing or there’s people in her family divorced, those can be flags. People learn about marriage from their parents. If they’re divorced, what does she have to model? Siblings who divorced are largely toxic influencers. If her parents are married, what does that look like? Odds are, she will replicate that in your marriage.

People rarely change. The paths they take change. Be wary if thinking they will grow out of behaviors.

Modern women take on too much. Be wary of career driven women. Wife, mother and boss. They are not built to handle this. Motherhood is a powerful instinctual driver. Work will compete with motherhood and being a wife will always come in dead last.

Finally, look at relationship history. Flourishing in relationships is a learned behavior. Women who sleep around and never had fruitful relationships have never learned. It’s not something they can switch. They can’t go from being a club babe to a wife.

Character_Hippo90 · 2023-07-23T17:56:36+00:00

Don't hold out hopes that things will change much in the next ten or twenty years. As long as the prevailing compassion/judgements are maternally conspired men will eat the short stick in divorces. And that even goes to examples where the woman is the highest income earner, yet the courts won't acknowledge the typical division scale normally used and instead one that benefits the female. Men are romantics and HOPE they won't get burned, so they jump the broom scared but "SO IN LOVE".

TrueTuttle · 2023-07-23T04:17:06+00:00

When people fall in love and want to have family, they marry. If you are worried about your property, there are ways to shield it. Move it to trust, have a prenup. Not the most palatable solution, but better than not finding your love and never marrying.

ramad84 · 2023-07-25T01:34:18+00:00

yeah - social pressure bullied into it.

i dont know why people marry a second time

dnbndnb · 2023-07-25T05:09:07+00:00

If you seriously want to get married I’d do the following:

1) try to secure a personal residence, fully paid, prior to marriage, and put it in a trust. You can also have someone you trust 💯as a very small equity partner in the property to make any potential future forced sale that much more difficult. You have them sign over their interest in the property and get it notarized. Keep it in a safe deposit box.

2) research which states have the most equitable data divorce and child custody laws. That means you can immediately drop almost every “blue state” and start with the rest. Move to the very best one of the rest.

3) do not get “legally” married. Do not invite the government in to be a partner. Have a ceremony if you wish, but no marriage license.

4) skim money off during the marriage for a “rainy day”. But gold coins. “Over time” gold tends to keep up with inflation, though it may not at a specific instant where you want to sell them. They are portable, fungible, and easily sold.

5) have any future “spouse” (remember, you are not getting legally married) sign an agreement upon long term commitment that any assets or debts brought into the commitment are sole property or liability of each person. Make sure this is well legally drafted. If she complains, ask her if she would accept 1/2 of a $200k law school debt. Of course she will say no.

6) finally, consider doing a surrogate pregnancy before you get married. Have a child that is only yours so no court can try to award it to a psycho ex relationship.

Title	When will things get better
Author	No-Weird-1838
Upvotes	6
Comments	12
Date	July 23, 2023 3:53 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/15747rz/when_will_things_get_better/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/when-will-things-get-better.1226188 https://theredarchive.com/post/1226188

Comments