Any hope for older incels?

ridukosennin · 2022-06-25T19:01:51+00:00

Progress is often measured in inches, not miles. Make small changes and let them snowball into big change.

At 27 I was on the brink of homelessness, broke, depressed and abusing several substances. Then I started therapy, took meds, went back to school, abstained from substances, found a tough but well paying job. At 38 I’m married to the woman of my dreams, have 2 beautiful kids, great chill career, and many meaningful friendships. There is hope, start small and be persistent

oneofamike · 2022-06-25T18:10:17+00:00

Dang I thought I had it bad. I’m 35 and still single. I do have an engineering career. And I do go out and dance salsa. But weeks still go by when I don’t talk to anyone but my parents. And sometimes I wonder why no one reaches out to me.

It’s not over for you that’s for sure. You may still have another 50 years of life ahead of you to figure it out. Just know that most girls don’t hate you. And they are not judging you to be inferior to them. They just don’t have any social skills and are so freaking shy.

vcreativ · 2022-06-25T16:12:05+00:00

This is more general life-advice. Start with a job. If you have a job aim at a job you like, if you have a job you like, become good at it.

If you don't know what you'd like to do it'll pay to try out a few things out.

You'll likely have to do some work you don't enjoy until then. But ideally they always have a target in mind.

That just gets the work out of the way. In terms of mental health. Find groups where you can spend some time with people (like sports clubs/book clubs/whichever).

Exercise and eat well. This really reduces depressors.

Start thinking what hurts and why. Believe it's not because you don't have a partner, it's always deeper. Journal, and if you can get therapy or find a counsellor to talk to.

wasted_basshead · 2022-06-25T16:53:26+00:00

You could hop on state insurance and start going to therapy and get on medication to help you function?

GoodSilhouette · 2022-06-25T18:44:57+00:00

Hi, I'm a recovering NEET (a bitt younger than you) with very similar experiences. If you want to talk in DMs to a non-judgemental person with similar background feel free to hmu. I have some advice. The first thing I'll say is its about baby steps and that perfection is the enemy of progress.

You may like r/NEET may not fit you exactly but many users there experience similar things and offer a support environment for those struggling. do know 29 / 30 is still very young and you can always make or take changes your life at any age.

absolutebeginners · 2022-06-25T18:47:18+00:00

Why don't you have a job

Training_Passenger79 · 2022-06-25T22:17:54+00:00

part 1/3 of my comment

I have very long comment for you - I’m sorry. But so many people suffer like you are suffering now. I’ve spoken to a lot of them, and I wanted to post what I have to say now publicly so that anyone else who is suffering in silence can find this when they find your comment. I hope you don’t mind.

There is absolutely hope, but contrary to what other people will tell you, the first step is not to seek therapy.

The first step, right in this moment, is to check in with your body and see to it’s needs. You need to put all of these thoughts out of your head, and prioritize the body first. Absolutely. There is a lot of physiological and neurological information to explain why this is the case.

The bottom line is, though, that your body needs electrolytes, water, light (if daytime), oxygen, and movement.

Right now you are feeling physical depression. I know there are valid psychological reasons to attribute to it, but I can almost promise you that what is “causing” these feelings to feel intense right now is physical, not emotional. Your body is lacking what it needs to make the hormones it uses as a defense mechanism to protect you from what you’re suffering through right in this moment.

Very small actions on your part can trigger biological chain reactions in your body that will support your brain function and regulate your mood. This MUST come first, before you think about your problems, because you cannot activate the right regions of the brain you require to process that information until you take care of the area of your brain that is regulating emotion.

Recommendations:

If you have broth, drink a cup of it. If not, a pinch of salt and a spoon of sugar dissolved in a cup of water will do. This provides your brain with the ability to generate electricity, which it will use to produce hormones and help you to think.

Next, the body needs light, but only if it is daytime to you’re sure you are never going to be able to sleep and are just going to lay awake and suffer with extreme depression.

Either you need to get sunlight, or you need to turn on the brightest lamp you have and sit near it, allowing the light to reach your eyes. This helps the body produce seratonin, which is what your body uses to dampen feelings of generalized sadness like a sense of low self-worth. If you haven’t eaten today, eating protein 20 mins before hand will help as well. Eating chocolate is also a great option, and so is drinking a small amount of caffeine. All of these help the body produce and use hormones.

The third thing your body needs is some kind of movement. Even if it’s just a stretch, or shaking your hands, or rubbing them together, that is a start in the right direction. It’s even better if you can get yourself to do a chore, even if it’s just for 5 minutes.

With the ability to produce electricity and hormones, and circulate these around your body, you will be able to use your brain. You will only be able to use your brain if you do these things first.

The next immediate action you should take is to take stock of the cleanliness of your body and environment. If you or your living space is dirty, this is your first priority once your body is capable of basic functioning.

Sometimes taking a shower and brushing your teeth is the only stimuli you need to help your body stifle activity in the limbic region - an area of the brain responsible for dampening sensations of sadness. Making your bed is also very impactful.

All of these things are stimuli to your brain that activate neural feedback loops associated with emotions of value and self-worth. If your body can produce the needed hormones, you should already start to feel happier after you get light exposure, movement, and some basic positive stimuli.

Only then should you allow yourself to consider these problems. These problems should NEVER be purposefully processed in your mind, or discussed with other people, when your basic human needs are not met.

The reason for that is that nothing you say to yourself and nothing anyone else says to you can help you in that state. It can absolutely hurt you though, because when you repeatedly engage these thoughts in that physical state, you will train your brain into a phenomenon psychologists call “learned helplessness”.

Basically, it goes like this…you wait until your body isn’t capable of processing emotions and solving problems, then you try to do that, then when nothing you do works and nothing helps, you learn that every time you try to process your emotions of solve your problems - you fail. Since you fail every time, and since failure hurts, you will not want to continue to try. This will lead your to wrongly believe that nothing about you or your problems can ever be fixed. These kinds of thought patterns correlate with suicidal ideation, and they can be dangerous to you for that reason.

So if you listen to any advice at all - listen to the advice that you must first take care of your basic human needs before you process your problems.

Meat_Vegetable · 2022-06-25T15:59:20+00:00

Yep, just start taking baby steps dude, if you don't start somewhere you'll never begin at all.

Training_Passenger79 · 2022-06-25T22:20:09+00:00

part 3/3 of my comment

On a practical note, about your problems…

Step 1: Get a job. This is a prerequisite to anything else. Number 1 priority - fixate on it - nothing else matters. If you can’t get a job, volunteer, or at the very least, dedicate a lot of time to a hobby.

Step 2: Use your money to control your appearance, environment, nutrition, and activities. Start moving towards a healthier lifestyle along the lines of what you value and the person you wish to be. If you can manage it, start reading healthy non-red-pill self-help literature. The upward spiral, the mood cure, atomic habits, and the 7 habits of highly effective people are all outstanding sources of genuine self-growth.

Step 3: Now it is time to find your therapist. Now you are able to bring at least some sense of empowerment and freedom to your therapy sessions, and if you have to pay for them, you will have a bit of money to afford that. If you bannkrupt yourself on therapy, that will compound your problems, so it is best to start therapy when you have a little bit of cash so you feel you can afford it.

Step 4: At this point in your life, which may take you anywhere from 3 months to a year to arrive at, you are truly able to fix all of these problems that bother you. It is just a matter of understanding what is really bothering you (which your therapist will help you uncover), and then starting out with the smallest steps needed to improve in the direction you would like to go.

As you grow in this way, it snowballs. You find motivation, confidence, self-esteem. Your face and voice change and so does the way you carry yourself. You see yourself as valuable, then others see you as valuable. Then a woman may even see you as valuable (assuming you’re a straight man).

You have been on this earth for a short 30 years. You have about 60 left to go. That’s double the time you already spent getting to where you are now, and if you look at it logically, most of what you are feeling is probably something you didn’t start feeling until after your childhood, or maybe even teen years. That means the time you spent feeling this is statistically small compared to the duration of your lifespan.

Yes, it hurts intensely - but it’s the pain that will one day make your life so uncomfortable that you will slowly work at finding ways to fix it.

As you grow and grow, you will become the person you were always meant to be, and having suffered through the pain you’re suffering now, you will be far stronger then. You will be a powerful person, capable of recognizing this pain, and knowing what it means and what is to be done. You’ll be smarter, emotionally stronger, and you can become the rock for others who need you.

Imagine a man like that. Someone who is strong inside and out, and who others go to for help and advice.

That is who you actually are. You just haven’t met yourself yet.

Edit: I am in no way suggesting that you need this - I don’t know you so I have no idea what you’re feeling. However, it’s not a bad idea to keep this number someplace private or under a different name, on hand, just in case you end up getting really thrown off kilter. Sometimes that can happen to your body if you take certain medications, for example - so it might not even have anything to do with your “personality” or emotions.

This is the suicide hotline. Everyone should have this to hand. If not to help yourself, then maybe because someone else may need it one day, and you could save their life. We need to fight our suicide statistics, and your demographic is high risk. So please write this down!

Suicide Hotline 800-273-8255

Training_Passenger79 · 2022-06-25T22:19:41+00:00

part 2/3 of my comment

The best time to process your problems is during the day, when there is sunlight out. There is a rythmn your body follows for hormone production, and at night, the hormones you need to control negativity in your limbic system are greatly depleted because this “physical depression” helps shut the body down for sleep. This is why caffeine can be a mood booster, as well as chocolate. This is also why some people crave chocolate when they’re sad, and why so many people cry the most at night when they’re alone in their beds.

The more you experience those sessions, the more you learn to expect them, and the more you attribute those sessions to who you are as a man, how others view you, and what you mean to the world.

So it is very important to start thinking strategically about how and when you are going to process your feelings, and start developing healthy habits to help yourself avoid “depression sessions” at the worst times of the day.

If you often get depressed at night, for example, you need distractions. Preferably non-addictive ones, but if you find stimuli like video games or tv to be addictive, start trying very hard to limit your exposure during the day, and plan to get all of that out at night.

It’s going to mess with your sleep a bit, and sleep is very important - but it is worse for you to repeatedly undergo hopeless depression sessions. So try to plan your way around these in advance, because you will find it nearly impossible to become physically capable of fixing them once they get started. We think we lack discipline in this sense, but that is not the case. You’re not “sensitive” or “emotional”…just a human body working the way every human body was designed to work. Absolutely every body does what your body is doing, here, and if we did not, the entire species would be dead.

So for you right now, this is 100% the best advice I can offer. I really hope you take this seriously. This is how you start fixing your problems right here, right now, and that is your power and your freedom. You are not the hopeless case you think you are. There is nothing wrong with your brain or body. There’s nothing inherently less valuable inside of you, even though you don’t have the outside value you want right now in your life. That value is simply something you obtain by using your body - the same body everyone else is using. Bodies may look slightly different, but the brain, and the physiological mechanisms that make you run are the same as everyone else’s. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you.

What there is, however, is a state of life that makes it much harder for you to use your body well happy, healthy people are doing. It’s harder for you right now, so you need to realize that it isn’t your fault that it is hard - any of us would be suffering just as much as you are - and hundreds of thousands of people around the world absolutely are. They’re crying too. They feel worthless. The feel the things you’re feeling. Any person in this situation is going to find it extremely difficult to overcome. Reflect on this and feel compassion for all of your fellow humans who are in very literal pain right now the way that you are - because you truly understand them. You know how it feels. It’s unbearable.

This is one of the healthiest ways for you to start processing these emotions when you’re physically able to work with them. You need to realize that what you are feeling are feelings other people are feeling. You need to reflect (or even meditate) on what they are going through. Try to imagine that a stranger on the street may be one of those people and you don’t even know it. If you can manage it, try to comfort this person in your mind. Imagine being with them while they cry and showing them compassion - telling them they are valuable - telling them that there IS hope for the future. Telling them why. Or else, anything you think will truly help them.

You can even actually of your own problems, but do it in third person. Imagine that you are not you but a friend of yours. Imagine that you’re comforting your friend. Tell them none of this is their fault, and anyone would feel how they feel right now if they were going through what your friend is going through.

Processing your emotions in this way is incredibly effective, and it’s what I’ve used to overcome some of the worst trauma of my life. It removes your opinions about yourself from the equation. When you do that, you can realize that, objectively, it’s not shameful, pathetic, or loser-like to feel what you are feeling. You can forgive yourself for crying, and realize that all of us would cry too if we were in that place in life.

If you process that, but you do it in first person, then what you will do is you will subconsciously tell yourself that, because you are not valuable, you don’t deserve the kindness you would show to other people. So it is important for you to realize that if someone else was going through what you’re going through now, you would want to give them compassion. You wouldn’t shame or humiliate them…and you wouldn’t think they were a loser. You would feel very sad on their behalf. You would want to help them feel better.

When you realize that, you also realize that you can now feel those things for yourself, too.

Often times in life, when you are feeling your worst, the most healthy thing you can do is find some way to feel compassion for other people, or even help them with their suffering. Many people with chronic depression overcome this through volunteer work - like working at a soup kitchen, or walking dogs at the pound. You should consider that option.

When you think of your emotions, you will almost always start in first person. You will analyze yourself, and in doing so, you will attach your definition of the way you see yourself to how you think you deserve to be treated. Often, people will feel deep emotions of shame, self-hate, and despair.

It’s unhealthy to process your emotions in this way constantly, even though it’s very hard to avoid it - for all of us. So the best thing to do is to remind yourself, at some point, to start remembering all of the people around the world who feel the way you feel, and have compassion for them. Then you will have compassion for yourself, because you will realize that all of you are the same, and all of you deserve compassion.

Wooden_Worker_3107 · 2022-06-25T16:01:54+00:00

You know your problems, work on them

Yesm3can · 2022-06-25T19:58:50+00:00

no career, no friends

Start with these two. The world run on money and in many places, good friends are safety nets (but also mean that you have to be ready to be others'safety nets too).

How did you get to 30 without any of those two man? Even WoW addicts have online/gaming friends. What is your main problem with trying to get a job? If it is location, then I am afraid that you really need to apply on further away places and then maybe ask them to pay for moving cost once you got accepted.

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itneverbeganwithyou · 2022-06-25T19:24:13+00:00

On my way of becoming you. Truly sucks.

not-halsey · 2022-06-25T19:48:35+00:00

Definitely get into martial arts like jiujitsu or Muay Thai and start hitting the gym. Nothing to do with looks, just helps you feel better and confident. Start looking into self help. Coach Corey Wayne is a good resource, I don't agree with all his stuff but for the most part he's great. Figure out what you're passionate about or what things might interest you career wise. If you're here in the United States there's supposed to be a lot of positions for electricians opening up. Same with other trades. Find one you're interested in, call up local unions and see if they'll take on an apprentice. If you're not into trades that's cool as well. Tech field is booming. Make some friends. Work on social skills. Have fun. You need to keep in mind no one is coming to save you, you have to participate in your own rescue. The best way I've fought all my issues is making progress towards goals and a better life. Work on creating a life you enjoy.

2022-06-25T23:48:05+00:00

You’re still young

2022-06-26T00:54:13+00:00

Really this boils down to get yourself out of the incel mindset.

da_trealest · 2022-06-26T01:15:55+00:00

Why were you in RP then?

2022-06-26T12:09:40+00:00

Do you do any meditative techniques? There are some quite powerful ones out there. I know it's something everybody says these days but this stuff really does work.

DontTalkAboutBruno1 · 2022-06-26T13:35:34+00:00

30 is not old, you can still turn your life around.

2022-06-26T14:20:57+00:00

nope

MaynardRosemary · 2022-06-27T18:56:46+00:00

when my father was 40, he was not met my mother yet

Title	Any hope for older incels?
Author	Apart-Ad976
Upvotes	51
Comments	58
Date	June 25, 2022 3:53 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/ExRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/exredpill/comments/vkhyv8/any_hope_for_older_incels/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/ExRedPill/any-hope-for-older-incels.1120031 https://theredarchive.com/post/1120031