Becoming more likable and friendly

ChainsofAssery · 2022-05-16T01:30:50+00:00

If you can and aren’t already, see a trauma therapist.

You can let people know you’re going through a personal process and may misspeak at times or need to pause to reframe things. Honestly as someone going through trauma healing myself, I’d be thrilled to hear someone else be honest like that - though I totally get if that’s too personal for your comfort or if you think that approach would put off most.

“Shadow work” may interest you, like a Jungian approach.

Staying mindful and continuing to understand and process the painful subconscious behaviour is paramount. You can’t stop yourself from doing it without addressing the underlining cause; all you’ll end up doing is trading one unhealthy coping behaviour for another, since there’s a reason you’re acting that way. Find the unmet need and start to think of healthier ways you can get it met.

Skiddly_bee_boop · 2022-05-16T03:20:15+00:00

progressive exposure, meditation, improv are all great interventions. you might look at brene brown's books as well.

in general, building calm and practicing openness are the way to go. theres great books on talking to folks - listening and being genuinely interested (which is a skill) are key.

if i had to share one thing thats made a difference - cardio, stretching, and meditation before im going to meet people has worked wonders.

luridlurker · 2022-05-16T06:05:53+00:00

Does anyone have tips/resources to deal with this problem, and become more likable and friendly?

I don't have anything for the specific symptoms you're going through, but can empathize with childhood trauma creating a 'reaction' not a 'thoughtful action' response. Two things helped me tremendously:

If you can, find someone you can form enough of a bond with that you can open up a bit. Let them know you're working on bettering yourself, you're dealing with some reactive behaviors, and that if they sense you're sounding defensive, they should not take it personally. You don't have to give any detail beyond that. If you can get a bit more trust going after that, let them know that you both should slow the conversation down and regroup if you start sounding defensive. For me, I found a few friends I could build this style of trust with and it allowed me to practice being better in a safe(ish) space. It became a running joke where we have conversation "safe words" and we get to "wipe everyone's memory" and try and restart parts of a conversation taking a different tack. It turns out, these friends also appreciated getting to restart conversations when things got heated/awkward etc. for their own betterment.
Look at mindfulness exercises. I thought this stuff was bunk, but after giving it a try and practicing a few mindfulness approaches, I found a few that actually help me in moments of sudden stress. YMMV

5MinuteMentalFitness · 2022-05-16T00:36:24+00:00

A great book is how to win friends and influence people.

Don’t let the title fool you as it’s mostly about being empathetic and always seeing interactions from the ones you are interacting with.

Surprisingly if you read it side by side of 48 laws of power you get a great foundation for understanding both sides of human nature.

Technusgirl · 2022-05-16T00:27:33+00:00

The first step is acknowledging the issue which is what you have done which is great. The only thing I can recommend it trying to be more mindful in social situations. Try your best to practice self control over those things, even if it means being quiet, at least in the beginning. I used to do socially awkward things too because of my ADHD and childhood trauma, but over the years I worked on it, got therapy and got better in social situations.

Peterselieblaadje · 2022-05-16T06:46:23+00:00

I would suggest that your become aware in the moment, take a calm and deep breath, relax, and continue the conversation in a more grounded manner.

You'll have to retrain your association with conversation, and every time your take a deep breath you will literally relax into the conversation.

vcreativ · 2022-05-16T09:19:08+00:00

that I haven't been able to address until recently

Ok, great. May I ask how?

I've noticed subconscious stress-related behaviors: defensive/status-seeking language, rapid speech cadence, lowering of voice, increased rate/depth of breathing, closed-off body language.

I imagine that's you noticing you doing that. If so, good on you for noticing.

I suppose one of the key questions is, do you like what you're doing? Or are you doing it because of your parents.

it creates an initial trust barrier and many times discourages me from trying at all

I think your subconscious is signalling you that you aren't ready. You should work through that in therapy.

The best tip outside of therapy is journaling (by hand). It's like self-therapy.

Depression/trauma likes misty, fuzzy thoughts. Writing them down forces you to articulate them in the best way you know at the time. It's a regular process.

nesterovdescent · 2022-05-19T19:14:07+00:00

The way you present yourself is a reflection of the way you think of yourself. If you think of yourself highly, then people will see you more positively and want to be around you more. It's good you're going to therapy, but another thing I would suggest is to gradually expose yourself more to social situations. I used to think I was the absolute bottom of the barrel when it came to social situations, but when I started going out more, meeting more people, and "practicing" socializing, I started to think "hey, things aren't so bad." Bars can be a good place to practice these skills, but you can also try joining local hobby groups.

I see that you've said you're "actively social," perhaps my advice is moot? Do you go out regularly with a group of friends, or do you keep exposing yourself to new social situations?

Title	Becoming more likable and friendly
Author	globeglobeglobe
Upvotes	13
Comments	14
Date	May 15, 2022 8:07 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/ExRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/exredpill/comments/uqebze/becoming_more_likable_and_friendly/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/ExRedPill/becoming-more-likable-and-friendly.1114115 https://theredarchive.com/post/1114115

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