Hey everyone, I'm a 23M, new STEM PhD student. Having begun undergrad as a socially-awkward guy with unkempt appearance, I had to put serious effort into improving my non-academic side. By the age of 21 my efforts paid off, and I've developed much better interpersonal/conversational skills as well as hobbies/interests outside of work; looks-wise, I now have a fairly attractive face, fit body, and decent sense of fashion. I've had numerous opportunities with women, but I've only taken a few on dates, and never once escalated physically even when I've got unequivocal approval to do so. Why the inhibition?

The root of the problem lies in my undergrad. My field is male-dominated; for a non-negligible fraction of women, attention from men who were nerdy/unattractive (even if they were themselves) created bitterness and resentment, while the sheer number of them meant there were few social consequences for shitty behavior. To make the mistake of showing these women the slightest interest was to invite screaming, shouting, and accusations of being "creepy" or "threatening"—all without so much as having asked these women to coffee. Though I didn't deal with any formal process, the constant barrage of bullshit ended up having negative professional consequences (which bit me in the ass the first time I applied to grad schools), and drove me in the direction of redpill bullshit.

After I became more attractive, 95% of these issues disappeared. Indeed, many of the same virtue-signaling women started to aggressively court my interest, telling me how most guys in my field weren't "man enough" for them, or hinting at demented fantasies about very attractive, very abusive fraternity/student athlete types (a notion of masculinity in which I have no interest) as some sort of call to action.

But my previous experiences scarred me. Every time I say something slightly tone-deaf or annoying to a woman, I abandon all interest in her (even if she seems, overall, very interested in me!) for fear of digging myself a deeper grave. Every rejection feels like being shocked by an electric fence, because I fear my reputation being dragged through the mud again. And I haven't gotten physical on dates because, if it turns out I was just being used for attention, any request (and certainly subsequent regret on their part) could open me up to a false allegation of harassment.

The only time I "trust the process" is with women who are pushy and inconsiderate with me\ (which I often took as a sign of unequivocal and unreserved interest)—but these end up being the same abusive psychos who would pull this bullshit in the first place, and I end up having to call things off. And while I'm trapped in this stupid guilty-until-proven-guilty feedback loop, I end up alienating quality women who, seeing me as a kind and empathetic person, wonder why I didn't ask them on a date, or why on that date I didn't take up their offers to go to their place. I need some help.