Breakup led to redpill - but having second thoughts

aNationofTwo · 2018-05-02T01:47:31+00:00

I understand that you are vulnerable and that is how the Red Pill sucked you in. It happened to a lot of us: he were insecure or unlucky in love and looking for answers. Hearing a strong authoritative voice give you easy solutions makes the anxiety go away- they must know what they are talking about, right? And of course Red Pill wants you to think that. But that is also how cults lure in vulnerable people, so be wary of any group that has a claim to The Truth.

The best advice I can give you is to forgive the past and not become bitter about women. Every girl is different, every relationship is different. People do dumb things, but here's the point- EVERYONE goes through heartache. You can do everything right and still fail because that is all of humanity. I sure screwed up and made an idiot of myself when I was young, who didn't? I broke hearts and my heart was also broken. It's part of being human.

If you need to take some time alone, nothing wrong in that. But let go of any acrimony you might be clutching as a defense mechanism so you can trust again.

Hera81 · 2018-05-02T08:32:49+00:00

It's great that you have this kind of self-reflection, may it also helps you with moving on faster.

People here have given you many good advice, so I just want to add that even if someday you find yourself in a relationship that you really enjoyed, never lose the sense of yourself. Never really merged yourself into one with your partner. I don't mean don't give your 100/100 into the relationship, but have your own 'happy place in mind', is still very important. Have your own hobby, your own interest, your own friends' circle separated from hers, if possible.

This came from experience from the end of last year until today. One friend of mine and two friends of my SO has lost their long term SO. Friend of mine lost her SO after 20 years together, my BF's friends being left by their SOs after 8 and 14 years together.

There is no guarantee in many things, including relationship. We do not own others, especially not their feelings. Some people successfully begged their partners to stay, but it will cause resentment from both parts. All of us want to love and be loved mutually and not out of pity or guilt.

Tenthyoung · 2018-05-02T04:36:44+00:00

Hey man, you shouldn't be upset dude. What you did happens to every man at every part of their life. We can all relate to getting overly infatuated and then scaring off a girl. I think my best tips would be this:

Be really specific about what you think you did that might have caused her to be scared off. There is nothing wrong with being super interested in a girl, but you need to be specific and learn from your mistakes. (a.) maybe you were so clouded with emotions from being overly infatuated that you overstepped her boundaries, or over reacted to things (b.) maybe you were suffocating her (c.) maybe you were again to overly infatuated that you jumped to conclusions a lot
Try not to put a girl on a pedestal again. Try to remind yourself that there is no such thing as a perfect women, and that no matter how infatuated you are in a girl, remind yourself that she has flaws that you don't even know about yet (but dw, we should love a girl despite her flaws), but this is just to keep us level headed
As a general rule, try not to bring things farther than she wants to take it. Try to keep things slow maybe.

I'm sure you probably were pretty good in a lot of areas with dating this girl, but it just fell off. But based on my experience, these are the general tips I would give. Also, kudos to you for not falling into the vortex of the red pill for too long. I fell into red pill after a harsh disappointment like you, but we have to be level headed, and not fall into toxic philosophies. Best of luck, mate.

ifeltbitchy · 2018-05-09T14:53:35+00:00

I've always been painfully shy and extremely introverted. In my mid twenties I decided I needed to do something about this. I'm a scientist, people skills have never come naturally to me, but doing research, that is something I can do! This lead me to reading dozens of self help and dating books. A lot of advice from these books is very similar. Some of it is more helpful than others, a lot of it you need to take with a grain of salt.

There is no 'one size fits all' magic piece of advice that will suddenly make all of your relationships perfect. I'll give you a summary of some of the most helpful things I've read/observed over the years, hopefully you will find some value in it:

1) Your relationships consist of what you put into them. If you put hate and manipulation and mistrust into your relationship, that will ultimately be what it is made of. Hate and manipulation and mistrust are only solid foundations for more hate and manipulation and mistrust.

2) Learn to love yourself. Have confidence in yourself, take care of yourself, see what there is about you that you could improve. Confidence attracts confidence. If you don't believe you are someone worth knowing, if you don't find yourself interesting, nobody else will either. Change yourself for you, and nobody else. It's 50% what you got and 50% what you think you got.

3) Don't be a doormat. If someone doesn't respect your friends or your family or your opinions or your hobbies, you should be doing some hard thinking about what that person is contributing to your life. If someone doesn't respect your time or treats you like a backup (i.e. only trying to make plans with you at the last minute or consistently cancelling plans with you), don't bend over backwards to accommodate them. Be respectful and honest about how they are treating you, and if they don't return that respect and honesty, move on.

4) A lot of advice that RPers like to claim is true of only women, is actually really true of human beings in general. They like to say, 'Watch what a woman does, not what she says,' this is true of men too though. Bottom line is you get a lot more out of observing someone's actions as opposed to only observing their words. If a person says they want to see you, but can never commit to an actual time or day in advance, take them at their actions, not their words.

5) Don't take it personally if someone isn't interested in you. This can hurt, especially if you are interested in them and thought things were going well. You don't want to spend time and energy on someone who has no interest in spending time and energy on you. There are billions of people in the world, chances are at least a few of them will be interested in you as a person. Save your energy for those people. If someone isn't interested, repeat to yourself that they are missing out because you are awesome. Do this until you believe it. Self pity parties won't help. Trying to analyze what you did right or wrong will only lead you in circles. Sometimes you can do everything 'right' and it still won't work out. A relationship takes two participants, if the other person doesn't want to tango, it doesn't matter if you execute your dance moves perfectly.

6) Learn to take a compliment. This kind of falls under self confidence, but I feel it is important enough to warrant it's own bullet point. When I first started dating, if someone complimented me, I would duck it, or say they were lying, or just not respond. If you do this, eventually the compliments stop coming. I thought I was being honest, but really it's just rude to not be able to take someone at their word. I'm not saying you have to 100% believe every flattery, but be able to accept it graciously. Now, when someone gives me a compliment, I smile and say thank you. I try to give them an honest compliment in return.

7) Don't drop everything to be with someone. Both guys and gals are guilty of this. Suddenly you get into a relationship and you are cancelling plans with your friends and family at the last minute to accommodate your love interest. I'm not saying you should never accommodate your love interest, just don't drop everything for them. If you go to the gym M, W, F, keep going M, W, F. Someone who is truly interested in you will find a way to fit into your schedule. Clearing your schedule of all plans for someone shows a lack of respect for yourself and your own life.

You sound like a smart guy. I have faith in you to figure this out. You are young, you have time! Don't get stuck in a cycle of reinforced hatred perpetuated by an internet forum.

Lilly077 · 2018-05-02T14:28:24+00:00

Speaking from personal experience here... if you cling to love in any way - rushing things is one of the forms of clinging to love - the best remedy is to accept the possibility of growing old alone and never finding love. Or in general, to accept the possibility of your greatest fear related to love coming true. And when I say accept, I don't mean "be happy for it as you would if you were happily married" - chances for that are rather low. I mean accept it as you would accept a bad situation if you didn't want to get desperate over it and didn't want to let it ruin your life. This is no easy task and it's not an instant solution either, it's a process. But it will transform you on the inside, and make you face a lot of your fears and dig up some old wounds that still may need closure.

As a side effect of this, you'll naturally embody some of the principles of the red pill, like not being attached to the outcome of the interaction with a girl, not being pushed around by manipulative or egotistic partners, not being clingy, being self confident, etc. But as I said, the main difference is that it will come to you naturally, no need to push these behaviors on yourself like red pillers do, and no need to be an egotistical manipulative misogynist.

As for things to read or videos to watch, I'd recommend pretty much anything on the Shadow or the Animus/Anima by Jung. Another thing, if it's not too weird for you, would be meditation. You don't need to be a buddhist or a yogi to meditate, don't worry. :) Just be careful with expectations here. If you meditate daily, it can be months, even a year, before it helps you get a groundbreaking insight into yourself. Feeling more calm may come much sooner than that, but overall this is definitely not a quick fix. However, in the long run its benefits are much, much higher than the sacrifice you need to make for it.

MikeKolas · 2018-05-02T16:07:30+00:00

Sorry to hear about your breakup.

I got into redpill and realized that they mentioned things that I had already concluded on my own. I agreed with a lot of things that they said. That said, I do not agree with the conclusion of redpillers and ended up leaving them. (Actually they banned me after I made a post questioning one of their philosophy).

There are good take-aways from redpill, but do not get sucked into it. Read my post here (this was made in this subreddit in response to another post)

https://www.reddit.com/r/exredpill/comments/8duww9/why_so_much_focus_on_women/dy06i7w

Bodegaz · 2018-05-02T17:26:13+00:00

find a middle ground, red pill has some truths.

Kelibath · 2018-05-18T11:35:27+00:00

The first thing you need to realise is that your lack of emotional inexperience is not your fault. It's the result of societal norms in which men simply aren't raised to consider their emotional health, or to discuss and share their emotions with anyone else. Families are still all-too-often oppressive and difficult to source help from and there isn't any other default support mechanism in play - you have to create one. What's brilliant is that you've already done so by coming to a more accepting community and asking for help directly. I hope it assists.

[deleted] · 2018-05-27T23:38:31+00:00

Go to a proper mental health counsellor. It's important you talk about how you feel and why you do things with someone who can help you

Title	Breakup led to redpill - but having second thoughts
Author	33dst
Upvotes	16
Comments	30
Date	May 2, 2018 1:14 AM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/ExRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/exredpill/comments/8gdkks/breakup_led_to_redpill_but_having_second_thoughts/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/ExRedPill/breakup-led-to-redpill-but-having-second-thoughts.300098 https://theredarchive.com/post/300098

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