Do you think the advice "BE YOURSELF" is a good advice in dating?

Firelight-Firenight · 2025-06-03T16:13:09+00:00

That advice is frequently taken out of context.

The phrase is also generic and intended to apply to the average individual without needing to account for details.

What being yourself means is being authentic in your interests, priorities, and values when interacting with others and accept what happens. Over time will naturally repel people who disagree with them leaving the like minded people behind.

Neediness and desperation are traits that inherently cast doubt on the authenticity of someone’s values because needy people are almost certainly not okay with people leaving.

The question then is whether they are as the present themselves, or if that is a false front to manipulate people into staying close to them.

pebblebebble · 2025-06-03T17:04:25+00:00

I’d say before dating learning to be you best self is a good start, so that you are working on the fact that you are a needy person and how to understand the harm this has in relationships and develop ways of creating more secure attachments - you can only change your response to behaviour, not the individual you are reacting to.

Then, when you are ready to start dating, be yourself in terms of being authentic and sharing your interests, dreams etc, but avoid trauma-dumping all over this new person and restricting their space for action as a way to avoid triggering the needy abandonment issues. Make healthy choices in your reactions to situations

wasted_basshead · 2025-06-04T17:56:47+00:00

Yeah, it sort of doesn’t work if you have a shitty personality, whether it’s controlling or heavily flawed in other ways.

meleyys · 2025-06-03T17:46:59+00:00

Others have made good points. But I want to point out that "be the best version of yourself" doesn't mean "you must have no flaws or needs before you can date."

For example, I'm a bit needy and clingy myself. I like to spend a lot of time with my partner. I've tried going without, and it doesn't go well. Is that a bad thing? I mean, it can be. But I've worked on myself to the point that I don't (usually) panic the moment my partner is busy and can't hang out. So now it's not really a problem as long as I stick to dating people who also want to spend a lot of time together.

Moreover, a good relationship can help improve your mental health. Now, no relationship on its own will fix you, and your odds of choosing the right partner are lower if you aren't mentally healthy in the first place. But I was talking with my therapist about my relationship recently, and he said of my boyfriend, "This man is really healing your attachment wounds, huh?" Because part of the reason I've struggled with attachment issues is probably that my previous relationships were, to some degree, feeding them. Dating someone who's a better fit for me is very helpful in that regard.

ooa3603 · 2025-06-03T18:23:43+00:00

What's the point of dating?

To find someone to be in a romantic relationship with.

What's the point of romantic relationships?

To spend time with someone who adds happiness and fulfillment to your life.

What is happiness and fulfillment?

The ability to be at peace (freedom from worry) and maintain well-being.

So to be attractive, i.e. someone who others want to date, you need to be able to add well-being to other people's lives.

The most attractive people are those who have that ability.

That is why the most attractive people are:

In good psychological health, being in poor mental health for reasons in your control is not attractive because mentally unwell people usually make it harder to maintain peace and/or well being.
In good physical health, being in poor health for reasons in your control is not attractive because physically unwell people usually make it harder to maintain peace and well-being.

This is all in a spectrum. You do not have to be perfect, but you should be trying to develop all parts of yourself with this in mind.

So the farther away from physical and psychological health you are the less attractive you are.

Being yourself is just a component of psychological health, because being sincere and genuine in what you like and dislike (within reason) means you're not bending and breaking your inner self.

So it is good advice for a portion of the attractiveness equation, but it is not the whole thing.

If I had a son or daughter and they wanted a general sweeping summary of what makes a person attractive I would tell them:

An attractive person is someone who more often than not tries everything in their power to add happiness both physically and mentally to their loved ones in a mutually reciprocal way.

octave120 · 2025-06-05T01:22:26+00:00

That’s why I usually phrase it as “Be the best version of yourself,” though it doesn’t sound as nice lol.

izumisapostle115 · 2025-06-07T12:49:02+00:00

It should be rephrased, Like the good old "just stay calm".

DescriptionFuture851 · 2025-06-17T06:36:15+00:00

When you don't actually need it.

(Sorry, I read the title wrong, but still not removing my comment lol)

For example, my friend (30m) is the type of guy who's social, funny, charismatic and confident. If anything, he's a complete sex pest who often gets himself in fights due to not caring about boyfriends, but that's a story for another day.

Myself (27m) on the other hand am social, funny, sometimes confident but definitely not charismatic, but equally as physically attractive.

On top of all of that, I also struggle with talking to women and don't have the balls to be a creep like my friend.

Take a guess which one of us can "be himself?"

lazarusross_ · 2025-06-24T23:40:52+00:00

Yeah, but a lot of people don’t even know themselves to “be themselves” so it can lead to a lot of funky behavior, rebellion, just “going against the grain” because it’s different.

People gotta know how they really are, move through trauma and have tools to effective navigate their emotions, mind, life situations, etc without getting stuck in old loops.

Title	Do you think the advice "BE YOURSELF" is a good advice in dating?
Author	AGuyWithoutAName_
Upvotes	5
Comments	15
Date	June 3, 2025 3:33 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/ExRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/exredpill/comments/1l2ezmk/do_you_think_the_advice_be_yourself_is_a_good/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/ExRedPill/do-you-think-the-advice-be-yourself-is-a-good.1553817 https://theredarchive.com/post/1553817

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