My problem with "focus on yourself"

TAKEitTOrCIRCLEJERK · 2020-05-25T17:56:45+00:00

Dude, there is a vast chasm between red pill tactics and basic self-improvement.

Like yeah, you're gonna have to approach women because you're a dude. This is your reality. But redpill is abuse.

defo18 · 2020-05-25T19:31:39+00:00

If you're working on yourself for the purpose of finding a girlfriend, well . . . it's not really working on yourself.

Work on yourself, today, tomorrow, and for the rest of your life; get a vision of the type of life that YOU want to life, and do it starting right now with the low hanging fruits, and then continue. Each day, each step enhances and ameliorates your life, so ... there's never any reason to stop, the process is the journey, not the destination.

Don't do it for women, don't do it to "get" a woman. Do it for your own self, for your own good.

Here's an interesting byproduct: along the way, you'll "attract" people, some of them will be females, with some of these females there will be a mutual attraction.. take it from there.

Just my $0.02

bagoonga · 2020-05-25T20:18:09+00:00

A lot of common dating advice is crap.

There’s a simple narrative that to be dateable, you have to be confident, not a dick, and be a happy person with a fulfilling life.

It makes sense if you look at the extremes like above-average attractive, accomplished, likeable people vs basement-dwelling unhyiegenic assholes.

But in reality meeting people is about understanding how to act in different situations which can be complicated for people who aren’t normally outgoing.

It’s a bit more complicated than matching the vaguest description of a happy person who isn’t a dick. Some people end up feeling insecure because they know they are this and are still alone. The conclusion they jump to is something’s wrong with them, not the narrative.

Some people question whether or not they’re this happy person and think they have to self-improve because they’re not this basic happy person, which is self-improvement for the wrong reasons. It can help, and it can also not help.

Some people tell stories about how they dressed better, went to the gym, etc. and everything changed. Some people already do those things and are still at square one. People have different experiences.

But if you’re trying to fit an archetype to be dateable, you’re doing it wrong. Dating is about enjoying people’s individuality and trying to be a cookie-cutter dateable person goes against that.

Edit: Also, we’re taught that how likeable and socially successful we are is a reflection of our confidence, when it’s more a matter of skill. Insecure nervous wrecks can still be likeable if they know how to act. Confident happy people can still be unlikeable if they don’t know how to act. If our truest innermost attitudes always unambiguously expressed themselves to others, no one would lie ever because it would be impossible.

jeannedargh · 2020-05-25T19:20:49+00:00

We are trained to think in economic categories. But economic principles are not applicable to personal relationships: You may not get a “return” for your “investment”. The solution is probably to improve yourself (or not) for the sake of improving yourself. And let life happen.

Stargazer1919 · 2020-05-25T21:53:41+00:00

First of all, self-improvement is not the guaranteed way to find a significant other. You still need to get out there and socialize and find opportunities to meet people. And even then, the universe might do you no favors. Bad luck and good luck can happen at any time.

Also, you missed the point of self improvement. You do it for yourself. Not some girl out there that doesn't even exist in your life yet. If it's genuine self improvement, you'll gain confidence and you'll quit acting like the universe owes you something.

Tavarshio · 2020-05-28T03:20:17+00:00

Forget about "self-improvement". Focus instead of things that you enjoy and things that you find meaningful. But a better idea is realize that you got rejected because you tried to sell yourself to the wrong buyers. I would strongly look into online dating if I were you as a way of expanding your options. The only good reason to improve yourself is because it makes you happier and you should NEVER do it to satisfy someone else(this only makes you feel even more inadequate). Stop listening to people pressuring you to focus on self-improvement! If they think you're aren't good enough, they are the problem and not you.

GargleHemlock · 2020-05-28T17:05:22+00:00

Hi friend. I'm a woman. I hope it's OK for me to comment in here, and if it's not, let me know and I will respectfully delete this and not comment again.

I wanted to say this: It might help you to understand that women are heavily socialised not to pursue. This starts very early in a little girl's life, and is reinforced heavily throughout our lives: "good girls" don't pursue. Girls who admit to liking boys and sex, and who pursue and approach boys they like, are frequently called slut, whore, slag, etc - frequently BY boys, but also by girls. You get it from the media too - in movies, TV shows, etc there are "good girls and bad girls". In real life, you see court cases where a rape victim's sexual history is held against her - as if girls who've had sex before, and enjoyed it, can't be raped. That's happening less, I think, but it still happens and it's scary as hell. There is ENORMOUS pressure on girls to pretend we're not sexual beings.

My point is, girls and women don't play hard to get because we LIKE doing it. We are taught to do it, in the same way boys are taught never to show feelings, and to be "macho" all the time, and pursue girls but never care about them too much - never care about ANYTHING too much. That hurts boys deeply and cheats them out of human connection and love, and the social conditioning for girls to deny their own desires, and pretend to be something they are not, is the flip side of the same damn coin that cheats boys out of a good life.

I played along with the social conditioning until I did a lot of thinking and stopped caring about what other people thought of me so much. I started pursuing when I liked a guy, and if he didn't like me back, I would respond with good humor and respect and we could still be friends if he wanted, but I never approached him again, because he'd made his feelings clear. That seemed to be really appreciated by the guys I approached, some of whom I dated, and some of whom became great lifelong friends of mine.

But the hurdles I had to get over, the fear of being slut-shamed and shunned for being too "thirsty" as a woman, were incredibly scary, and I still feel scared about it to some extent. It's just that I know it to be bullshit, and I won't live my life by the bullshit rules anymore that say girls are delicate little innocent flowers. We aren't. Women and girls are just people. Same as guys. We like sex, same as guys. We like love, same as guys.

Some of us are great, but there are a lot of female assholes out there - and you have clearly run into a few already! Just don't let them dictate how you feel about ALL girls. I've run into a lot of male assholes in my life, but I don't let it bother me. I love men, I hate assholes, end of.

Anyway, try to understand how huge the social threat is for girls who pursue; it really is a gigantic problem and very hard to overcome. I wish you great luck, and many loves, or just one great one - however's best for you.

thecrazytexan · 2020-05-25T18:46:50+00:00

Hey man I hear you. It's valid to be frustrated and feel lonely and be scared. But I want to ask like what do you mean when you "focus on yourself". Is it like getting new weight lifting maxes or trying to build hobbies? Or like seeking out therapy and working through your own issues? Because me working on myself looked like a person who knew they had issues and just worked on getting comfortable in their own skin. Worked on being ok with being me. It didn't help the lonliness but it did help me accept myself and know that the lonliness was just that.

raziphel · 2020-05-26T14:27:44+00:00

Guys find partners when they're not looking too. Just think of it as non-linear networking - sometimes you find things you need when you're not actively looking, and that's fine. When those opportunities present themselves it's important that you have the social skills required to capitalize on them.

I met an ex because I went to a friend's birthday party. I got a job offer because I was in a car accident. It happens, and it's nothing to get upset about.

Part of the issue here is that when you're actively trying to meet someone, you can give off a certain vibe (via body language, tone, etc) that may be different compared to when you're relaxed and calm. People who understand body language (ie most women) pick up on those things more readily than those who don't understand non-verbal communication. That frustration you feel is likely communicated without you knowing it, which drives people away because it comes across as instability.

Yeah it's a self-feeding problem, but most problems are. I would suggest speaking to a therapist and work to find your calm, chewy center.

Not everyone's going to want to be in a relationship with you, and that's ok. It's to be expected, and it's not necessarily a reflection of you. Let go of the anger and the frustration. Let it slide off of you, like water off of a duck's back. The more you carry it around, the more of a burden it is, and the more others will notice.

InverseCascade · 2020-05-25T23:42:56+00:00

It's true that women wait for men to approach them first, but it's a whole mutual dynamic. A woman will look at a guy and smile, and basically show herself to be open and available to being approached. Then the guy can make a first attempt by going over to talk with her, but keeping it simple at first. Maybe give her a compliment on something such as something she is wearing, her hairstyle, her dancing. Something that shows you are appreciating her style choices or a talent. Then walk away with a smile. Then you can notice if she smiles at you again. You could ask her to dance. Or if it's not at an event like that, and you know you will see her again, just go ahead and wait and approach her next time you see her. Ask her a question. Start up a conversation about interests. Show an interest in her as a person. Find a common interest. This is where it helps to have hobbies, passions, happiness in your own solo life. Because you can share your own interests as well. So, it's a dance together. In which you both give each other signals. Women like to be approached first because we also have negative experiences with men, and we need to feel safe and secure with them. To know that they really like us, and aren't just looking to get anyone on bed. We need to have a sense that we will be treated with respect. Going to therapy can help you work out these issues as well.

mr_Tobbor · 2020-05-26T09:11:45+00:00

Have you made a try to date a girl ever? If yes can you tell me what happened?

Hellion_shark · 2020-05-26T13:49:28+00:00

Honesty it sounds to me like you hold resentment towards women. And no one wants to date a person that will resent them. If you think approaching women is hell, then how about injury, death, and all other serious shit? If you only work on yourself to get pussy you only live to be disappointed, not to improve.

Title	My problem with "focus on yourself"
Author	defo18
Upvotes	23
Comments	101
Date	May 25, 2020 5:19 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/ExRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/exredpill/comments/gqf0sf/my_problem_with_focus_on_yourself/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/ExRedPill/my-problem-with-focus-on-yourself.666583 https://theredarchive.com/post/666583

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