advice to spot manipulation.

MagnfiqueMaleficent · 2021-03-01T19:17:03+00:00

Off the top of my head:

Look for how he responds when you say no to something. Does he accept that as an answer or say something to make you feel guilty?
If he does something unacceptable, how does he respond when you tell him? Does he apologize and try to make amends or does he minimize what he did, lie that he never did it, tell you that you’re too sensitive, or blame you that he did it?
Do you feel like you’re doing more than him all the time? If you are always driving to him and paying for more than he is or just seem to care more than he goes, he’s probably manipulating you to get you to stay there.

There are others but these are pretty common.

fdsonlynoscrubs · 2021-03-01T19:12:17+00:00

I think the best indicator is that if something seems illogical or irrational to you, and you discuss that with the person you’re with, and the person you’re speaking with tells you that you’re “crazy” - they are probably trying to manipulate you.

A good, trusted friend or family member can be a good confidant to help you walk through specific situations.

Good luck out there <3

stormstormstorm9 · 2021-03-01T20:25:12+00:00

trust your gut. if something feels wrong, it probably is. if it feels wrong, but you’re not sure. try to document or write down what happened and, like the advice of another commenter, consult a trusted friend or family member in walking through those specific situations. documenting social interactions that make you feel “off” or uncomfortable can help you recognize patterns in what people do and say that lead to manipulation.

practice saying no. practice being assertive. i have had such a hard time with this one. too often, in schools, children in general (and especially children with disabilities) are taught to be 100% compliant and obedient. this sets more vulnerable children up to be manipulated and abused. know that if you feel uncomfortable at all at any point, you can say no. you can remove yourself from a situation, especially if it seems like it’s happening too fast to process. if you need time to think on it, remove yourself and document. do their words line up with their actions? if not, it’s probably manipulation/lying.

MulticoloredCatMug · 2021-03-01T21:46:09+00:00

Listen to what people tell you, then observe what they do. I try to separate actions from words, and then if they don't match up I know that person is probably manipulative.

For example: a man says he's a feminist, but has strings of relationships with women who all seem very hurt after spending time with him. Or a man says he's a feminist, but he doesn't acknowledge your contributions to a project. That man is a liar and isn't genuine.

A different man says he's a feminist, and waits for you to finish speaking before talking. A man says he's a feminist and you observe him respecting women, especially the women he is not sexually attracted to. He's much less likely to be manipulative, but you also have to keep observing him.

Another thing you can do is read body language books, like What Every Body is Saying, then observe people's body language and see if it matches up with what they're saying.

example: is someone says "I'm so happy to see you!" but they have their arms crossed and only smiled with the bottom part of their face, they aren't being honest about their feelings.

Basically just look out for situations in which a person's words and actions are inconsistent.

NoNefariousness5137 · 2021-03-01T22:32:21+00:00

Hi there, fellow autist. Some people have given great replies such as taking the time you need to figure out if something feels right.

I would like to add that we autistic women are constantly down on ourselves due to bad past social experiences. When dating, there's a double gaslighting effect wherein most men are actually emotionally abusive and society constantly tells us autistic people are dumb.

We are not dumb. We are very, very, very good at recognizing patterns. So if something feels wrong, be assured it 100% is.

At my last job, I had the terrifying experience of having a sociopath use several other scrotes to harass and stalk me. This would have gone in their favor, except my brain kept turning their body language into words Scott Pilgrim style. Hahahahaha. I literally could read their minds, the imbeciles.

A final point. If you constantly feel something is wrong, it's because 99.9999999999% of men are actually bad. It's probably not that your instincts are out of whack. Trust yourself. Our pickme culture is crazy, not you.

pumpkin-pied · 2021-03-01T20:12:51+00:00

Hey fellow aspie! I struggle with the same things as you and I'd love to hear advices from other people here. Saving this thread for later usage 🎀

DifferentBar6 · 2021-03-01T20:47:39+00:00

Does he do or say things to dent you confidence? These can be very subtle if you're not looking for them.

e.g. you're really pretty, but only when...

It could be in relation to your looks, your intelligence, ability, anything.

A genuine loving partner will try to encourage and nurture you to be a better version of yourself, not make you feel small/worthless/insecure.

A good place to start is to read the methods PUAs use and look out for those. See also "gaslighting"

2021-03-01T22:46:37+00:00

If they are trying to rush you to make a decision... they don't want you to have time to rationally consider what they are saying.

If they are vague and won't answer a question and try to make you feel bad for asking... they are hiding something.

Here's a list of other common manipulative things people say to convince you to do something. If they use one of these, they are more concerned about "convincing" you than arriving at an agreement together.

https://www.txstate.edu/philosophy/resources/fallacy-definitions.html

hopelesscanary · 2021-03-02T06:15:59+00:00

I'm not autistic but I relate to every word here as I didn't get socialised the same way or enough as most women, or I rejected it as a stubborn child. Here are some things I've noticed and researched

back handed compliments or 'banter'
guilt tripping, even if playful
sharing too much mundane information in one go (overcompensating for dishonesty and trying to distract you)
forcing familiarity too quickly (asking or sharing personal things very quickly, rushing the pace of the relationship, LOVE BOMBING)
inconsistency in pattern of behaviour, or between words and actions

Follow your gut, eg if it feels too fast, or he seems fake/artificial. If you feel slighted or put off after interacting with him, that's your intuition telling you he's full of shit.

Ananoriel · 2021-03-02T00:41:26+00:00

Have the same issue here, thanks autism! For me it helped to read the red flag things in the handbook, because they give you handles to hold on to. It helps to memorize them, because spotting them can be so difficult. Especially subtle behaviors.

And for me it helps to discuss certain things with friends or my women with autism support group. Honest people around you are so helpful. If I tell something that is strange behaviour, they will tell me immediately.

I have been single for the past 2 years because I had a bit too many relationships where I was unhappy in and/or cheated on. Did try to date someone a while ago but that didn't work out neither because of uncertainty. I don't know if I want to be in a relationship anymore. I like my single life because I can do whatever I want and relationships cost so much energy. I also don't want to feel so let down by someone anymore, feels like betraying myself. I am also not lonely because I have good and caring friends and family.

Maybe someone will cross my path who would be a nice addition to my life, but I don't expect it and that is fine.

I hope you can find your way into safe dating and relationships and find a good person for you.

Sewud · 2021-03-02T04:01:22+00:00

I have the same problem. I believe everything people tell me and I do everything they ask.

n3rdgir7 · 2021-03-02T07:02:00+00:00

If a guy tries you to convince you of anything at all, he's probably lying. A good guy will give you solid evidence one way or another of whatever they're saying.

Guy: I did this thing
You (if you suspect anything less than 100% honesty): K, show me

haunted_vcr · 2021-03-04T18:26:35+00:00

Don't think your autism somehow invalidates your feelings - I'm sure you know what it feels like when something is 'off'. I'm on the spectrum and needed treatment as a child, and this made me doubt myself for ages, but nah.

If you get the sense someone is stepping on your boundaries, their presence makes you anxious, they belittle you or tell you to not make a big deal when you bring up issues with them, they're manipulating you.

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