I got the kick in the pants I felt I needed to end things, but it's added to an already very stressful day and I'm struggling with my emotions right now. I could use some positivity.

I've come to realize I needed to end things with my LVM, but just didn't have the courage to do what was needed. I put it off, as I've had other things in my life to juggle and idk, guess I felt like the situation wasn't dire. Excuses and cowardice.

Anyway, today I had to attend my grandmother's funeral in a different state, and been juggling family drama. It was an already long day, but I allowed him to talk me into picking him up at guys place (his car recently broke down), and then running this errand, and then this errand. I ended up at a bar (just one drink, we'll order a pizza from nearby and wait it out there) still dressed up in my funeral clothes, exhausted. He ends up socializing while I try to remind him to order the pizza, because my phone doesn't have service but he's does. Another woman, a stranger, comments that he should be nicer to me but I honestly don't know what prompted her to say that, but I note that she said it. He ends up handing me his phone to call the order and I "accidentally" open this chat bubble that I recognize as his ex. I only looked briefly, nothing explicit except he had asked her to come over. This was during this last week when he wasn't at my house and wasn't really talking to me. I know what he's like and "come over" isn't exactly innocent. He's neglected to tell me/ lie that he was even talking to her. He's been using me for my resources and just dragged me around to entertain himself while I'm begging to just go home after my grandmother's funeral.

I'm so tired of everything, but I don't say anything. I plan to confront him while going to get the pizza but, he decides to go to a different bar with his friend and says he'll get a ride to my place later. He kisses me goodbye and I leave. As I'm driving home and finally get service, I text him that I had seen part of the conversation. I didn't even flip out, or get confrontational (maybe a little passive aggressive). It's clear I'm aware that he's talking to his ex that he had told me he didn't talk to. All he replies back is "ok." So I simply say to him, "ok cool. Maybe your friend should take you to get place instead then." He leaves me on read.

Part of me is relieved, because this is the perfect catalyst to finally end things. But I am also hurt and the stress of the day is adding to that. I hurt because I feel so wasted and disrespected. I'm too tired to care and yet I do, because he's drained me while I was already feeling drained. I don't think I'm sad over him- more for myself that I've allowed myself to be here.

I don't think there will be anymore to this. I don't think he'll even care enough to try to convince me to stay. But he does have some things here and in case I'm wrong, I need to stick to my guns and not let him back in my life. But I'm so tired today and not feeling very strong. I realize now it was a mistake to wait "for the right time" to end things, because the right time has turned out to be the wrong time for me to deal emotionally. Im pretty much alone right now, and will need to uplift myself to see this through.

Don't let LVM suck the life out of you- even if they're not aggressive or abusive, they will still drag you down. There is no neutral, only a slow sapping of your strength. I know I only have myself to blame for this but I could really use some encouragement right about now.