Okay this might be a little long but I had an epiphany today and wanted to share.

A couple of days ago I went on a date with this guy. The date was fine. I told him beforehand that I'm moving to Europe in 5 months so dating isn't really a serious thing for me right now, he was supportive and said it would be nice just to get to know each other. We had a good, long dinner. I mentioned during the date that I didn't like when guys are super clingy and that typically tends to happen with me on dates, we go out once and they think we're "in a relationship". He laughed and told a story about a girl that was talking about marriage and kids after their first date. I wasn't sure how I felt about him during and after the date, I mean he was very sweet and cute and 6'6 (let's not pretend like that doesn't matter) but he definitely wasn't someone I would date long term because I'm not giving up my plan to move overseas for some random dude I just met, amiright ladies? Plus we both work too much and he travels a lot for work and it just was destined not to go anywhere.

About an hour after the dinner he texted...

Him: Hey! I had a great time, hope we have that again.

Me: Me too

Him: Awesome. Have a good night liz. Stay cute.

Me: I will if you will

Him: For sure sweet thing.

And then... nothing. That was three days ago. And I haven't heard from him since. He went out of state yesterday for a week and I didn't hear a word, and I definitely don't text first.

So I started to be like, Wait, what? Maybe he doesn't like me? Then why did he text me after? What did I do wrong? What's going on here? Did I misread everything? What's wrong with me?

And then I stopped myself. And I remembered. I. Don't. Fucking. Care.

Even while we were on the date, I was like "I'm not feeling this dude." But despite not being into him, I still felt some type of way when I perceived a possible rejection. I couldn't believe that I was even thinking about this guy several days later, as if I'm not That Bitch who has my shit together, an amazing life, and a bomb ass future. And then I realized that a lot of the time I've been "upset" about a guy, it was usually less about him and more about my ego being bruised or my feelings being hurt. Because in many ways, I still struggle to define myself by my approval of myself, and not someone else's approval of me. I still have a hard time not letting another person invalidate my own sense of self worth. Why is this? Possibly trauma. Possibly living in a society where women are defined by their relationship to other people and not raised to be autonomous individuals. I'm still figuring that out.

So I snapped out of it. And it was such a good lesson to learn. And it should be a good reminder to all of us:

  • Are you actually upset about him, or are you upset about the rejection?
  • Do you really care about who he is at his core, or are you mourning the loss of the relationship, or the potential connection you thought you could be building?
  • Does he actually matter that much at all?
  • Do you get all caught up on a guy, do the bitch ass double text if you feel him pulling away, or feel a rush of relief when you finally get a text from him?

If so, you're probably like me and need to do that deep emotional work and keep building up that self-love. Women that value themselves above everything don't wait around for texts back from men they don't even give a fuck about. They do their damn thing and wait for the guy who is a good match at the right time, not just someone who's kinda tall.