Hey ladies, I'm feeling a bit down in the dumps and I really need someone to talk too.

I've made a couple of posts about my previous relationship and I'm starting to feel like a broken record at this point. The first relationship I ever had (We were HS sweethearts) turned out to be an emotionally abusive relationship for 7 years, going on to 8 years but I ended it before we even made the 8 year mark. I found out he cheated on me twice, once through ask.fm where you have the option to have your comments to be anon and once through cat fishing MY OWN close friends for a month and God knows how long he truly did and how many more times he cheated on me. I stayed because I wanted to save the relationship. But....I had to pay the consequences and it lead to losing myself completely.

If I had a penny for the times I begged for reassurance, ended up apologizing for all the arguments we had so things could be okay again, begged to be called, cried myself to sleep, feeling paranoid 90% of the time, snapping at him verbally when I felt threatened, getting jealous, etc..I would probably own a couple islands by now. Last night I wasn't able to sleep and like they say...curiosity killed the cat. I ended up going on tik tok and checked to see the new girlfriend account to see if they were still together. they are. At that very moment, I felt like I was truly the problem in the relationship. When I broke up with him around February, at the time I had other social medias, I saw he was going to someone house middle of April, beginning of May and didn't think too much of it at the time and just assumed he was at a family party. July comes and I see he made it official with someone (Almost 2 years have passed since I broke up with him). I became obsessed and started hating myself for it. I asked "Why is he taking her to those places when I was constantly begging to go on dates?" "We live less than 10 minutes away from each other and he barely came over...but she lives about an hour away and he practically lives in her house...why?" "He never did those things for me..." Then I find out she's 3 years younger than us, so she's all about social media, showing off, and whatnot. Anyways he would tell me if I wanted to get phone calls or face time, I would have to act like myself (This was after he cheated on me for the second time), would forget to call me/face time because he was too busy playing video games, every time he came over he would complain how hot my house is and how little there is to do and his house his better, etc. in the beginning of our relationship, he would also ask me for nudes and I was NEVER comfortable with that but did it to make him happy, started doing it more and more and eventually he stopped asking and it made me feel like I was no longer attractive, wanted me to start wearing thongs so I did and then started getting annoyed when he saw how confident they ended up making me feel, asked me for anal every single damn time we had sex, wanted to have sex when we barely even made three months (We were only 15 and were virgins at the time), started fingering me in the back of his house when it was my first time there and my parents and his parents were introducing themselves and I also didn't feel comfortable with that at first but allowed him because I thought it was normal.

There are just so many things that happened.

I saw that her parents are a lot more financially stable than my parents are...hence, better home, better area, better things, and it makes me feel like because she has a much more comfortable lifestyle than me, it made me feel and still makes me feel like less because of it.I still feel like I like I deserved to be cheated on, and ever since I ended it with him, I felt like he finally was free from me and found real love. I find it unfair how he found someone so quickly and I couldn't, again making me feel like I was the issue all along. I saw how on social media, a majority of his family is following her and commenting on their posts and it also made me feel like they prefer and like her more over me.

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I been working on myself for these past almost 2 years but out of no where there are moments where I just take 50 steps back and end up going back to square 1. it's frustrating because I have accomplished so many things ever since, my mental health has improved, getting accepted into a masters program, found a job related to my career, debt free, but then in the back of my mind I have this voice in my head telling me "It was you. you were the problem."