If Men Were Honest (A Game)

Because it's Christmas Eve, I've gotten a little too into the homemade eggnog, and Regina George is my spirit animal when I'm tipsy, I've got a little game for all of us. Ready?

Think of a man you dated that you thought was high value that wasn't. Someone who appeared put together and seemed to be exactly what you wanted- until the moment his mask slips and reveals the low value trash he was all along. Then write a completely honest dating profile for him in the comments. Have fun with the username too!

If you've never dated a man like that, write a profile for the so-called male friend who proved he wasn't actually interested in your friendship, just your body. Do it for the skeeze that broke one of your friends hearts. Do it for the male relative who you know is never going to marry any girl but leads them on anyway. The married teacher who was far too fond of underage girls but avoided all consequences. We all know a man who pretends to be gold when he's trash.

I'm hoping that these examples will illustrate the ways men lie, and we can use these examples as red flags to watch out for while employing FDS in our dating lives. Some of these might be a little graphic. My example is about a physically abusive ex who raped me, so proceed with caution. He came with plenty of red flags (I didn’t think he was high value even in the beginning, just thought he was kind and considerate) but I had no idea how bad it would get,

My Ex first:

USERNAME: YourBiggestRegret

Looking for a pseudo-mommy, not an actual relationship. I don't want kids, which is great for you because you'll spend all your time raising me- not because my mom was terrible (she's actually going to be the one good point of dating me, tbh. You'll actually miss her when you inevitably come to your senses and dump me), but because I refused to learn from her example. It's far easier to convince women that I'm just useless than bother to put in any sort of effort in to improving as a person.

I'm also not much to look at- we met through a friend when you were feeling weak and believed that maybe you were just being shallow when you wanted a man to be attractive to you, and I made a point to pretend to be kind and generous in the beginning. I pretended to be politically similar to you (men can't be feminists, silly, it was a tactic to get laid) and asked you about your interests, which is better than like half the men you deal with on a regular basis, so ha- I'm in. I'm capable of basic hygiene (3 in 1 bottles line my bathroom, and I shower- though you wouldn't be able to tell because I haven't learned to shower before sex or at least run a washcloth over basic parts), but it's offset by my Hitler Youth haircut and Shaggy-inspired pube beard. My mom buys my clothes, and aside from scrubs (don't get too excited, I'm a medical assistant not a nurse or surgical tech, and I'll get fired from that job in less than a year for fucking up patients medical charts and getting caught) I wear a five pack of white t-shirts from Walmart with cargo shorts and a black hoodie as a uniform. I'm so pale I'm translucent, and that little extra weight I marked off on the profile was a lie- I'm over double your weight. You can fit two of you in my jeans, but I lied and said I was only forty pounds heavier than you, until you caught me on the scale. I then blamed you for breaking it, and I'm a champion gaslighter- you're going to cringe later on when you realize how far you went to lie to yourself in order to give me the benefit of the doubt.

While we're on the topic of my lies: I lied about having OCD. It's just an excuse I use so I can pretend to have a mental breakdown and get scot-free away from verbally abusing you and get you to feel guilty for expecting me to be a functioning adult- after all, if you just cleaned everything perfectly while holding down a job and going to school and mommying me, I would have no reason to be angry... oh, I'm lying again here. I don't need a reason to be angry or abuse you, I'll just make up something anyway. My mom will tell you to leave me when she finds out from you that I was lying about my mental health.

On top of all this: I suck in the sack. I'm one of those men who cope with the fact that they broke their dick from watching porn and giving themselves a fetish by pretending it actually makes me good in bed, and that men who can actually get off without scarring their own dick are vanilla and boring. I need you to tell me how much you want another man instead of me, because if you aren't constantly dirty talking me and humiliating me, my dick will soften immediately and i'll blame you for my erectile dysfunction. I'll do that anyway, because even though it's me that needs the same stimulation every time, everyone knows its the women's fault for everything, ever. I also worship my own cock, and occasionally other men- but I keep that quiet, because you wanted monogamy. Never mind that you don't care about me being bisexual- I'm going to pretend you were only upset about me being with men and ignore that you would have been just as upset about me cheating with women, because it's more convenient to pretend you were homophobic than admit I fucked up. If I were born hundreds of years ago, I would have settled for writing an ode to my masculine superiority and pontificated about my penis with fellow intellectuals who read Freud, but alas I was born in the modern age, so here- here's a dick pic. LOOK AT MY PENIS!!! LOOK AT IT!!! It's spectacularly average, with bonus scars! I demand you worship it as much as I do. I demand you find me appealing even after I consistently act like a small child that you need to mother, and being my pseudo mom doesn't get you out of duty sex. I will badger you, coerce you, pout, sob, whine, and gnash my teeth. I will melt down and beg, and when I rape you, I will criticize your performance, because even though I'm holding you down and you're crying, starfishing is unacceptable. Porn stars pretend to enjoy rape, why can't you?

I'm going to be your biggest regret. Message me pls! No? Fine then, I'm out of your league anyway- I'm a dumpster fire masquerading as a man.

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