Hi lovelies,

I wanted to reiterate that if after the break-up AND it has been a long time of No Contact, and you STILL feel like shit either from his or your actions, the man was a LVM and the relationship was not good for your health. A man who really loved you would not pick stupid fights with you, bring you down, or even make you feel less of yourself.

I had to learn this the hard way, 5 years after the breakup (and there was NC!):

[story time]

In my early 20s, I was in a 1.5 year long relationship with a Pakistani-American guy. He was my first love, 2 years older than me, and he used me as emotional support. I was the only person he trusted, which I believed, but there were so many squabbles. He was to inherit the family business, and as his father used intimidation tactics to coerce him to dump me (I am not of the same faith nor am I from the same culture/racial background), the boyfriend suddenly said we were "incompatible" and that "you put conditions on our relationship" when we broke up. I knew in my heart that this was not the reason why he wanted to split. That day we split up felt like a machete stabbed into my chest, twisting clockwise and counterclockwise for the next 5 years. (At one point toward the end of the relationship, he said to me, "You'll think I'll wait until 30 for you?" in anger. I should've known this was his true character.) Oh yes, when he broke up with me, he revealed he still wanted to talk to me every now and then. I said no contact and he responded, "Fine."

He is someone who will AVOID uncomfortable situations, he will try to avoid PAIN and SUFFERING. He used weed as a coping mechanism... he promised he wouldn't use it but when we were headed to split, he revealed he starting using again. (He blamed me for saying his use of weed as one of the causes for our breakup, hence the " you put conditions on us" reason.)

He had ambitions and goals to leave his family and his culture because he hated the Pakistani culture (and the women from his own racial background)! He told me he would never get an arranged marriage, he refused to... He did not even want to marry a woman from his own culture but wait until later... Because he was so afraid of pain and suffering, he never took the steps to upgrade himself and separate himself from the family business/culture if he actually DID want no part in it.

He was self-serving and self-oriented. He drove out an hour to see me when I was still in university, often without telling me, to talk to me about his personal problems with family/people in general. He would get mad when I wasn't in the house and didn't tell him - well honey, maybe I was in class or at a friend's or doing my own thing... Anyway, he talked shit about everyone, his family (his mom and dad especially), his friends, his associates, his former girlfriend, man, the list went on. He blamed everyone except himself; I doubt he was even able to self-reflect. I doubt he even has self-awareness.

He started so many pointless, tit for tat spats that turned into full-on arguments. At first in the beginnings of such tiffs, you cry a little bit but then I got angry in a mode of self-defense and equally joined in the stupidity of yelling matches (ugh!). I forgave him countless times, yet he allowed that resentment to bring old problems back into arguments.

Love requires complete total giving and willing sacrifice, without the expectation of return. It is to will the good of another person. The moment he felt like he lost something out of the act of sacrifice, he was quick to pin it back on me, asking, "When have you sacrificed for me?" He gave with the expectation of return. He kept score on the giving and the arguments. That man did not know the concept of love because he couldn't understand it. He never had it when he was young. Even if I loved him, regardless of his many faults and my many faults, he couldn't process or value this love. Nor did he have the patience to do so.

He didn't have the decency to tell me in person why he thought we were headed down a fruitless path. I remember that towards the end of the relationship, whenever he would visit me, I would cry before he left to go back home. I knew something was amiss, but he wouldn't tell me. Each time I cried when he came over, he told me everything was going to be OK then drove home. As he went back home, he got mad at me and tried to solve the issue through text. You know what was his reason to not explain in person? He had work the next morning at his father's and didn't have the time to explain or talk about what was going on and "didn't have until 2 or 3 AM to solve our relationship issues," i.e. he didn't want to sacrifice his time for me.

Throughout the relationship, he said some disparaging things to my face when we fought. He was really mean during fights, actually. Saying that I took forever to solve simple, little problems (hell, I was a naive 20-year-old in college, of course I ain't gonna know survival shit yet, damn); I had a massive ego; that I was needy (?? um... projecting much...?); didn't know how to communicate; that I'm not really good at giving him oral; and countless other things but luckily for my sanity, I forgot what the rest were - (deleting all texts and emails help!! Do it!) After fights, I felt like I was always walking on eggshells with him. But because I thought he agreed with my traditional and religious lifestyle and other reasons, I thought he was the one. I would not let go.

Like the submissive woman I was trying/hoping to be, because I thought we could "build together" and work on our problems together/forgive each other/learn together, I cried like a little Asian Barbie doll, thinking I really was the problem. As a religious woman, I also thought that he didn't mean the words he said, he was only saying those words because he was stressed out and didn't know God. I made excuses for him. And I thought that this man could grow to know God more as I showed him more love and forgiveness... I also thought that because as a religious woman who believes in love and forgiveness, that after we fought, he would extend the same clean "let's start over, let's turn the other cheek" slate that I gave to him. Oh boy, was I wrong.

Since the breakup, I sent him "how are you" and "happy birthday" emails sporadically, as a way to extend messages that I held nothing against him, that I forgave him, that the past is past, hopefully we could talk. I should've taken the note that he wasn't interested in speaking to me at all. But, because I had a poor view of myself, blamed myself for being egotistical and proud like what he said to me, and desperately wanted to become a better woman, I thought I could have another shot with this man. I blamed my naïveté and general inexperience with life that caused me to show this man my true colors as well (yes, for someone who would yell at me, I too shouted hurtful crap at him too. eh well). At one point in my post-breakup processing, I even put him on a pedestal! Fucking crazy given the way he treated me.

Fast forward to now, I took the bull by the horns and walked into his dad's workplace (technically his business now) to say hi, scope things out, ask him how he's been. (Again, this is 5 years since we've last spoken to each other.)

Boy, when he saw me, he had to excuse himself out the backdoor to catch a breather. He never knew I would find the location of his work, the business that he opened without telling me towards our end. When he came back to the front counter, he waved hi when I waved, and I walked up to him. I looked at his eyes the entire time. He could not look me in the eyes, he only looked away. He locked eyes with me once and very briefly. Suffice to say, the conversation was awkward but I was very friendly and cordial. Wow, you can kill someone with kindness. Ha!

(shooting the shit with how he's been, then I "shoot my shot")

Me, smiling: If you're available, I'd love to catch up.
Him (2-3 second pause, quietly, doesn't look at my eyes): I'm married.
Me, barely heard him: You're not married?
Him (looks away still): I am married.
Me, walking away: Oh, congratulations.

Afterwards, I waved goodbye. I felt a huge sense of relief because after so many years, it was obvious he could not confront the fact that I knew his soul, even more than his wife. I felt I was set free from the vines of self-hatred, guilt, inadequacy, sadness, denial, disappointment, anger, shame, and hurt. He was married now, and yes, he did keep to that promise of not waiting for me until 30 years old. He barely turned 28, and his parents shoved him a wife from back home. But surely he must've agreed to it.
--> I did my research, and he got married to 1.) a woman from his mom's hometown in Pakistan, 2.) someone who's probably a cousin, 3.) the very specific physical traits he does not like in women. He looked absolutely miserable on his wedding day. Yes, I was able to find the wedding films after he told me! Definitely not the dreamgirl he had in mind. I could only feel pity for him. That marriage was done out of business, not love - love and freedom that he so desperately seeks.

[end story]

TL;DR: You will experience a lot of pain and suffering after a breakup, especially if it was with a man you really loved and put a lot of hope in. Not only did I lose him (more like it wasn't much of a loss LOL!), I also lost 2 of my closest "friends" during this breakup processing time - both were set on leaving me for more "successful" friends because I seemed obsessive/lost/depressed. Hell, I was. That's trauma. Maybe it was even emotional abuse to some degree.

You will be left to fend for yourself, to pick up those shattered pieces and glue them back together, even if you feel like total and complete utter shit. You'll wish that your former boyfriend will come back, support you in feeling whole again. Fuck that loser. He wasn't there for you when you needed him most. He only saw what emotional support he could get out of your sweet, encouraging, uplifting words. You do the best shit you can do to be your own damn queen. Find people you can really trust to help you process your emotions. I was lucky enough to have my mom help me identify, swallow some much needed to be digested reality. Every day felt like hell. But through this agonizing pain, I promise you will GROW. You will CHANGE. You will love those who deserve your love even MORE because you have experienced pain. Please, take off those rose-colored glasses. There will be gallons of tears that can fit an ocean, I know it hurts. But you are your own best investment.

It will take you time. Sometimes twice as long as the amount you were together for.
But I promise you, the moment you feel free, whole, and woman again is the day you realize the best thing you can do for yourself is to indulge yourself in the passions that fill you, and to share that love generously with those who RECIPROCATE and deserve you.

💗