Important Points on Self-Love/ Self-Respect. Read even if you don’t think you have low self-esteem

So I’ve never had low self-esteem. I’ve always felt I was pretty, smart etc. But recently life threw some things at me that really made me question if I was loving myself as much as I could and being as absolutely confident as I could. I came to the realization I really had not come into self-love and self-respect fully yet. Here’s what I learned about the two:

It’s a matter of priorities and it starts with valuing what you think, what you feel, your hobbies, your viewpoints. Sure you feel like you love yourself. But do your priorities reflect that? Let’s look at a few areas and think where you place yourself in the list of priorities on each:

PART I

1.What You Think/ Your Viewpoints/ Your Opinions/ Your Identity/ Who You Are.

As a reserved person I would often think of things to say and then determine- Nah, that really doesn’t need to come out. I thought doing that was just my personality, a reflection of my tendency toward quietness. But now I realize I hadn’t been valuing what I have to say as highly as I should. There were situations where I chose not to correct men who were wrong in convo, just because I didn’t feel it was absolutely necessary. This allowed them to dominate the convo even on topics they didn’t know and really amounted to my tacitly placing/ or allowing their opinions to be placed over my own as if they were of greater value. They often came out of those exchanges feeling it was a tacit admission that their opinions were better than mine or meant more than mine. And that I valued them (men) over me and had low self-esteem.

Do you think a person who loves themselves thinks what they think- their opinions, their viewpoints etc. matter enough to be heard? People who truly love themselves speak up and make their viewpoints heard because they consider what they have to say a priority and that’s a reflection of their general high feelings about and the high value they place on themselves. I had unwittingly and discreetly been placing/ valuing my opinions and viewpoints under others especially men.

Real self-love and self-respect also involves that you disengage from anyone who tries to invalidate your viewpoints, opinions, choices etc. I would never put up with anyone abusive but realize I did sometimes put up with male acquaintances who played devil’s advocate with my viewpoints or tried to get me to see they “weren’t important”. Those convos should’ve been shut down with “This is who I am. This is what I believe and I’m not gonna argue with anyone about it. It’s not up for discussion. You’re entitled to think what you think but you’re not going to change my opinion”. Do you put up with people who talk over you or gaslight you on little things, conceding and cosigning through actions that you agree what you had to say wasn’t that important anyway and can be changed OR do you speak up even harder?

Are you ok speaking up about what you believe in. What does your willingness to reveal who you are and what you believe say about how much you love/ value yourself? I’m part of a religion that’s atypical. Although I didn’t hide it, I was somewhat quiet with it, not willing to lead with it. I just reasoned people I work with didn’t need to know and thought I was just keeping things easy for myself by being private, but maybe I wasn’t being as true to and accepting of myself as I could be. Are you open with your views on race, your veganism, your ideas on how to eat, live etc. Or do you keep things somewhat quiet showing your confidence in it is incomplete or that you’re not fully willing to back yourself. Are you out and proud on everything about you- your sexuality, your culture, your flaws and weaknesses (not exactly out or declaring them but at least accepting and not hiding them) or are there parts of yourself still being kept in the background out of low lying fear or lack of confidence that you’ll be accepted with it. Are you a fully integrated version of yourself that is proudly the same regardless of where you go or do you shrink back certain portions of self depending on who you’re with. Are there areas of your past or of yourself that you’re somewhat ashamed of/ not that confident in. Everyone has them but in a person that truly loves themselves they should be minimal. You should be at the point where you love and accept yourself so completely that you almost can’t be shamed.

2.Your Hobbies/ Day to Day Things

If a male or female friends calls you, invites you out, do you automatically drop what you’re doing. Sure you’d planned to study, shop, wash dishes but it’s not that important. It’s whatever. You can talk! This reflects a generally low view of YOUR things. You’re immediately assuming what that friend waltzes up to you with is more important than your stuff instead of valuing and respecting your things and placing them on high. I don’t care if all you were doing is making the bed. It’s YOUR things and you should hold to and respect it. Count it as meaningful and important.

3.Your Feelings

Do you try to tough out situations that feel bad for you. This reflects low respect/ value on your own feelings. Most women do not value their own feelings enough to put them first even in situations that make them feel like shit. We submit to feeling bad because at the bottom of it all we think we should. We don’t think how we feel is worth enough to act on or overturn a situation for, if it’s in opposition to others’ feelings. We put it on the bottom under everyone else’s comfort and feelings. If you stay in situations that make you feel subtly bad. You don’t value how you feel enough.

PART II

So true self-love means holding your thoughts, your feelings, your hobbies sacrosanct. But let’s look at another point. How do you protect yourself? How do you defend your time, your space, your dignity, self-confidence and self-esteem. What does your grade of defense reveal about how much you truly value yourself?

1.Time. I would sometimes allow out of niceness people to take up too much of my time talking on the job. Oh, she’s old. Let me not stop her. I’m not a pushover but subtly I wasn’t loving myself enough to protect my time. Instead I was minimizing the work I had to do as not that important and my time as not important enough to set boundaries in situations with people who tried to claim too much of it unintentionally or otherwise. Do you stay in dead-end relationships or dead-end jobs that waste your time. That betrays a lack of faith both in the value of your time and your love of self. You don’t love yourself enough to believe in your ability to acquire better and that you deserve it. And you don’t think your time is worth enough to protect by bouncing.

2.Space/ Health. If a man is right up under you as he speaks to you, do you protect yourself by telling him he’s in your personal space and you don’t care to have someone standing so close? If someone is approaching at a gas station in a way is threatening do you tell them to take a step back and stay over there or do you silently manage down your discomfort even at possible physical risk to self. Do you love yourself so much you’re not taking any chances of harm to self. If you’re with someone who doesn’t want to wear a Corona mask or a condom, do you proudly tell them to strap up or you’re out. Or do you sit through the discomfort because you don’t value yourself and your feelings enough to speak up and ace out and you privately value/put protecting them from social discomfort OVER protecting your own health and body from physical harm.

3.Self-Confidence, Self-Esteem, Self-Respect, Dignity. Do you sometimes allow people to get away with taking little jabs meant to diminish your belief in self in conversation. Could be as subtle as someone suggesting you can’t do something you plan to do. That you’re not as pretty or smart as you think or pointing out a “flaw”. Part of self love is learning to identify when something is attacking or diminishing your self worth, confidence, esteem in self and holding those things sacrosanct, moving in a way that actively protects and upholds the value you place on them. Doesn’t matter whether the person meant to hurt you or has trauma/ stuff to work out themselves. If something diminishes your respect for/ confidence in yourself even one iota, you cut it out or correct that person. Because you love yourself so much you’re not dealing with anyone or anything that diminishes even slightly your self-respect, confidence or self-esteem. You don’t put up with people sowing seeds of doubt in you. And you would never value the social game of not hurting their feelings over protecting how you feel about and see yourself.

Do you protect your dignity by shutting down people who make slurs about your weight, mental health, intelligence, looks. Do you make clear you do not accept foul language, name calling, a raised voice, swear words, dismissive body language (hand wave, rolled eyes, turned back) directed at you. Or do you downgrade/ diminish your own dignity and communicate you don’t value yourself that much by staying silent when met with those things.

I’ve never been a hugely assertive person. Now i like to think of myself as two people. Myself and a second Big Boss defender who steps out of me to bat down disrespect and defend the more reserved me when needed. Almost like a role I take on. Be willing to be your own defender.

PART III. How you deal with/ care for yourself
1. How you talk to yourself/ think.

Do you degrade yourself for being stupid, fat, not far enough along in your career or do you encourage yourself as you would a friend or the child version of yourself at 5 or 6. You’re doing your best. That was a good effort. You believe in you. You’ll get there. The words you use in thinking and speaking to yourself should be as kind and encouraging as what you’d use with a friend or family member you loved and cared about. Do your words reflect you love you? How about how you think in general? Are you defeatist, more focused on what to perceive to be your limits and weaknesses or are you fully focused on your potential- the boundless nature of what you could achieve if you put your mind and spirit to it?

2.How you forgive yourself.

Most women are very forgiving of men and others in their lives who make mistakes. What about when you date the wrong guy, or don’t have the body you want or aren’t as far in your career as you like. Do you extend kindness to yourself. Are you harsh and angry with yourself when you make a mistake at work. How could you be so stupid or do you brush over it quickly, unwilling to abuse yourself over a small mistake on a job. Do you extend kindness to yourself and let it go in your own behalf. I used to think being harsh with myself on mistakes was self-love, how i was going to make myself better, more perfect. Now I realize it was just unkindness. A boss told me- I don’t really love myself. He sees how upset/ anxious I get when I make mistakes. He doesn’t even yell at correct me because I’m so hard on myself, he couldn’t be harder on me. That made me realize in my quest to do things well and at a certain standard I wasn’t treating myself as kindly as I thought. Confident people who love themselves are also quick to forgive themselves. I looked at someone else I know who loves herself very strongly. I notice when she makes mistakes she’s very quick to absolve herself and brush it off/ move on or turn it to the way of viewing that’s easiest on herself. She never makes a big deal of any thing that goes wrong that could be treated as a failing on her part. It’s almost like- shrug.

3.Self Discipline in Caring for Yourself Physically and Emotionally.

Do you love yourself enough to eat well, go to the gym, take care of and protect your body even when it’s hard or time consuming. Do you give yourself rest. Do you meditate and protect your mental health from would be destroyers of your emotional peace? Are you one of those people whose diabetes or other major health condition would disappear if you lost 30 lbs. But you’re too afraid to try, so you don’t. That too is a lack of self love. (Applies to being too afraid to try in your career or love life too.) Your self-love should be greater than any fear. Perfect love casts fear outside, the bible says. What do you think perfect self-love does? What kind of things would you go for in life if you had perfect self love to think you deserve them and perfect self belief to think you could achieve them. Why aren’t you going for them now? Does how you take care of yourself and move through life suggest that you love yourself and are seeking to preserve yourself for the long haul

CONCLUSION

I hope this has been helpful. A good question to constantly ask is- What would I do if I truly loved myself. How would I act if I were moving from a place of perfect self-love. It helps you to see what actions are actually a betrayal of self even when they’re masquerading “just your personality” or “just going along to get-along”/ doing what you have to do to keep the peace or be socially polite. This is important because one of the first things men test in dating you is your confidence and esteem in self. Can they push you to do something you don’t want? How do you respond to subtle negs or criticisms about yourself/ how you look, etc. early on. They all try to see how easy you are to manipulate and twist based on your responses to those things. When that test comes, you want that Self-Esteem to be rock hard.

If you’re having trouble leveling up your actions to truly reflect your level of self-respect and self-love know that just like anything else in life it is a muscle that can be trained. Just like a weak person can grow strong in a gym, through constant exercise of self-respect you can grow strong in it. Start small. Send back that entrée that isn’t exactly what you ordered. Tell that person who cuts you in the supermarket line you were standing there. If you’re particularly bad with it or grew up in an environment that cut your self-esteem, know that when you’re very weak in an area even a minuscule shift can yield exponential results and changes in your life.

Self-love is mastery, self-respect is power.

Be well Sisters.