Keep it short and simple 👀

keep_my_stuff · 2021-01-13T10:24:50+00:00

I think in my case, the times where I felt the need to overexplain were when I wasn't sure I could stick to enforcing consequences for boundary crossing, ie you do the thing I don't want, I walk away. So I tried to explain and coddle people to increase the likelihood that they will understand it is important to me so they won't cross my boundary again, will still like me etc and won't leave me. But it was ultimately coming from a position of weakness - - I wasn't willing to walk away on disrespect, would rather 'negotiate' ad nauseum and complicate things.

I remember overthinking/rehearsing scenarios in my head - if he does X, I will say Y quickly, do Z action to make him understand it is not OK, but still keep engaging with him. Occupying my mind playing this weird chess because I wanted an impossible guarantee - that my boundaries are respected and that I get to keep everyone I want in my life. When you let go of striving for this guarantee, it is much simpler indeed.

thinktwiceorelse · 2021-01-13T12:23:05+00:00

Oh, I so regret my past TED talks explaining in detail why they hurt me - be it boyfriends or friends, or even parents. I could have used that time more effectively. I thought that I'm so irrational, because they acted like nothing happened, or they were very surprised that I'm mad or sad. I thought I gotta explain because no one in the whole universe would understand why I have a problem with their actions, without my lenghty explanation. And it goes other way around. When they acted weird, I immediately started to analyze what have I done, that they're acting like this.

weekend111 · 2021-01-13T09:58:32+00:00

Because you don’t need a reason for a boundary, but they have a good reason for respecting it: else they lose you. And don’t let anyone tell you otherwise, if you’re afraid of losing someone, they’re doubly afraid of losing you.

_RustInPiece_ · 2021-01-13T17:35:34+00:00

Right. Often the request to explain ourselves gets abused to make us question our reality. Don't mistake it as an innocent question. They don't always want to "learn to understand you better". You don't owe anyone an explaination about yourself. You don't need to educate others - you are not a teacher who gets paid for answering questions about your actions. It's absoluty fine if other don't understand you. That's their loss. Set firm boundaries. I do it through only engaging in SPECIFIC questions.

waddamelone · 2021-01-13T20:14:21+00:00

“You’re a golddigger and should appreciate me, a broke man, being into you because women hit the wall at 16”

“Okay and?”

Starsuponstars · 2021-01-13T17:26:00+00:00

Tips for dealing with "BUUUUTTTTTT WHYYYYYYYY" appreciated.

SamuelaTheThrifty · 2021-01-13T19:29:01+00:00

That’s helpful advice for me.

Title	Keep it short and simple 👀
Author	TheTower_14
Upvotes	223
Comments	13
Date	January 13, 2021 9:01 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/kwcrnd/keep_it_short_and_simple/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/keep-it-short-and-simple.728790 https://theredarchive.com/post/728790

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