I (20f) have been in a situationship since fall of 2019. Well I didn't know what a situationship was back then. I've never had a real boyfriend before. I was also a "cool girl"(smh) and a pickmeisha I now realize(going 50/50, texting first)

I was friends with him since I've started college. He was an international student from India and he was very tall and very handsome. I kinda thought he was cute but I've never seen him beyond a friend. Near August he broke up with his now ex-girlfriend. We got drunk. I told him he was cute. He told it to me back. We went to my house(because his dorm was locked). We did not have sex. But sleepovers became a regular thing after that. At this time I didn't know much about relationships much less fds.

I fell for him fast. We kept seeing eachother. We actually did most things together (gym, homework, classes, he would invite me places and I would invite him etc.) He told me he loved me and that he just needed time to get over his ex. And I like a fool fell into that trap. I had my first kiss with him and lost "half of my virginity" to him.

During this time I started watching sheraseven1, greta bereisaite, shallon lester and etc.. I was slowly introduced to fds.

I began to realize he wasn't very nice to me at times. His jokes toward me was demeaning (calling me stupid and telling me I should work on my butt) he was hot and cold toward me. But I was still so infatuated and disillusioned by his words. He said he cared for me because he didn't take my virginity and it was hard to supress blah blah blah.

During winter break he left to go to India. And since then I started to go really deep into fds. Since he decided not to come back because of covid 19, It wasn't hard for me to focus on my mental glow up.

He would text or call me every few weeks and I would humour him slightly (tbh he bacame desperate the last few calls) but I realized he didn't love me. He just wanted to see if I was still available to him. The last "hi, (my nickname)" text I just left him on read. And that was a month ago... It was hard for me because it just seemed like an innocent text and I felt really mean for ignoring him. (please kill me lol)

I am conflicted. Most of the time I don't even think about him but sometimes I feel extremely guilty for ignoring him. My mind knows what's good for me and I mostly act upon logic. But my heart hurts so much I can't ignore it(ugh whyy). I think it's the chemicals from cuddling and sleeping with him too much...

I need big sister advice and encouragement😣😣☹☹😢😢

I swear I'm not like this most of the time... It's 5 in the morning and I haven't slept. I know the answer is obvious.. I'm sorry, I just needed to end this once and for all.