Level up for your daughter's sake! An interesting article about father LVM's influence on women's expectations of men and in turn their sexual behaviour

2021-06-23T04:27:19+00:00

I hope more studies like this are done as a followup so that we can rid ourselves of the idea that keeping a crappy man in your kids lives by any means necessary is somehow beneficial for them.

Literally anyone who grew up with a bad father knows this.

circescircus · 2021-06-23T07:08:40+00:00

There is something so primal about this. When something in you snaps and you feel like your life is a horror movie trailer when you imagine having kids with the guy.

I remember being incredibly naive, in a relationship with a LVM 11 years older than me. He held up very well for his age at the time (quickly started to age badly after we broke up though) and I wrongly thought an older guy would be more mature and appreciative. The catalyst to me ending things with him was when I blurted out "I don't want a son like you" when he talked about having kids. I used to walk on eggshells around him and was extremely naive, but that statement just came from my great-great-great-great grandma's ancestral spirit or something. I swear, at the time, I wasn't consciously aware of what I already knew to be true in my heart. I wasn't even thinking about having a daughter with him-- just the thought of having a son like him, who resembled him, horrified me. I just couldn't look at him in the same way anymore. The puzzle pieces clicked together and I realized he took advantage of my naivete and good nature. You can't unsee it when you see it.

RecordingImportant94 · 2021-06-23T09:03:00+00:00

This is super interesting, especially as a single mother to a daughter. I knew I didn’t want her growing up seeing the awful way her father treated me, most of the time he kept his abuse to times she was sleeping or at childcare, but her stepping between us at the age of 2/3 when he was yelling at me and then telling him not to shout at me was a wake up call. She should never have felt that responsibility to protect me, and I will never ever let her feel that’s on her again. No man will be having any form of contact with her if I start dating in the future, I couldn’t forgive myself if I exposed her to any further trauma.

notstrongenoughyet0 · 2021-06-23T06:51:14+00:00

Picturing how my imaginary daughter would be treated at the hands of my abusive ex was the push I needed to leave him and go no contact. There was just no way I would forgive myself if I brought a child into that mess and allowed her to believe that is how she should be treated.

pugaczalla · 2021-06-23T10:25:37+00:00

Literally all of us who had a shit father (abusive/neglectful/addicted/cheating/low EQ/etc) KNOW that it would be simply better if he didn’t exist or wasn’t in the picture at all. We don’t need to read studies to know and feel all the negative effects of living with such a ‘father’.

With that being said, I’m glad that the researchers are looking into it and taking it seriously.

Honestly, my biggest dream is for the women to stop reproducing with various abusers and various emotionally immature men, and for women to go to therapy instead and live happy lives on their own (or with HVMs).

verysadgirly · 2021-06-23T03:03:52+00:00

Interesting, so basically it’s saying that having a father in the home who is a LVM is worse than having no father in the home at all. As the oldest daughter, I had the most time with my father in the home before my parents divorced versus my sisters and I’m definitely more promiscuous and have had more sexual partners and my view of men in general is lower than them. So this article is saying that if your husband or a child’s father is an LVM, it’s better for the kids to leave and be a single parent

justforfds · 2021-06-23T08:15:09+00:00

It's good to see something examining the other parent. For a long time, these studies were seldom picked up by the media, or if they were, they were often twisted to fit the agenda of crucifying mothers, by blaming them for not controlling the fathers.

Mothers can't always leave immediately with their children, particularly in countries where access to paid work and childcare is limited.

Mediocre-Swimmer3900 · 2021-06-23T03:09:37+00:00

Explains a lot on my Pickme days. Had LVM sperm-donor with a pickme mom. Ended up in situationships that were sexually exploitative thinking at least he’s not a drug addict/has a job. Stuck in a 10 year emotionally & financially abusive relationship because at least it wasn’t like my parent’s relationship. 😔 On the journey to healing. But it stings that I had to go through all the bullshit because of my mother’s poor choices.

She’s a lawyer by the way and my nvm father is a drug addicted bum who does nothing but drain the family finances because his ego can’t take being a useless bum

MurchaMarcha · 2021-06-23T03:49:46+00:00

I do have low expectations of men thanks to my father's example. But this means that I rarely date, and if I do, I date a man who is kind, unselfish, caring, pulls his weight, not offended or angered at perceived slights, and not sexist, unlike my father.

LittleWinn · 2021-06-23T14:19:34+00:00

This completely reinforces my decision to divorce my LV husband. Thank you.

Mango_440 · 2021-06-23T10:59:54+00:00

On the other hand, my dad loves me and spoils me a lot so now I’m still single despite being 20 and having lots of guys being interested in me. My parents are great and they gave me everything (within their capabilities ofc) so I just can’t bring myself to settle for a guy who treats me like crap. In my mind I think why would I waste my time with someone who can’t make me happy or gives me anxiety with all the bs games they play. I guess I’ll be single forever then lol

shljock · 2021-06-23T12:36:26+00:00

I got 13 years more with my father than my younger sister. I never wanted to invalidate her struggles growing up without a father or add to her trauma so I never talked about it but I always knew in our case it might have been for the better. To someone coming from a loving family that might sound horrible but it is what it is.

Astrid00 · 2021-06-23T08:41:04+00:00

So interesting! Thanks

CatherineWinkworth · 2021-06-23T22:04:25+00:00

This literally made me tear up because I still feel guilty about kicking my ex out when my daughter was 1.5 years old. She still asks about him and talks about him, and its like a knife in the heart, but I knew that having him around was way, way worse then not having a father around at all.

sweevil-ghost · 2021-06-23T18:46:34+00:00

I am so glad they are finally looking into this!!! I'm so sick of those generalized studies about the importance of fathers being in a home and how all children in single mother home are doomed to be troubled. 🙄 it's garbage and belittle the hard work of single moms. Also completely dismisses the issue of LVM and the myriad of issues they can impart on the women and children they share the home with!

From my personal experience my step dad was awful to me, especially when I was a teen. I felt worthless. But to his daughter he couldn't have been more proud. Notice I said proud, not a good dad, lol, because for the most part he wasn't a father. Definitely lvm. My ex husband is a porn obsessed, gaslighting LVM and I ended our marriage after finding out about his affairs. He was a terrible father; never around and when he was it was always about him. His influence on her was not good. I would describe it as grooming. How can she make daddy happy. That's it. He's doing slightly better now that we are divorced but I think it's because he doesn't have anyone to give him attention, but he's still doing the grooming. Do this, it makes me happy. You want to make daddy happy right? 🤨 Nope, her body, her choice. Not your choice how she dresses, does her hair, spends her free time, where she sits when watching a movie (yes that was an actual issue) or how often she calls or texts. Sorry not sorry.

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