Need advice: how to have more grace for myself?

arnezuara · 2021-09-27T21:00:23+00:00

First of all, I would like to congratulate you on going no contact with your ex for so long — you’re incredibly resilient, intelligent, and courageous. I hope you will continue to choose what’s best for yourself as the time goes on.

The feeling of anger is the hardest to handle. Now that you are more informed about the abusive and manipulations your ex has put you through, it’s natural to feel this way: it means you want to take action. Protect yourself, defend yourself to make up for the times you couldn’t.

I believe it may help to remind yourself, every time you feel this anger, that you now know better. That you will be less likely to make a misguided, misinformed decision. You will be more diligent with vetting men (and women) who come into your life.

Then, you can start exploring other alternatives. For instance, you can journal. When you’re angry, put everything you feel on paper, and see if it helps. Or go for a walk/run. Work out. Channel the anger out of your body into something productive, healthy. Something that will benefit you, either in the long-run, or in the moment. You can also review some of my post history to see if you find anything helpful.

Moving with grace is no easy task. But you’re doing the best you can — validate that.

Throwradfem · 2021-09-27T21:59:48+00:00

Try doing a loving kindness meditation for yourself. Please do not feel like you need to direct the outward part of it towards your ex, you absolutely do not. But practicing loving others just before practicing loving ourselves helps us to open our hearts to ourselves if that makes sense. There are a lot of apps that have loving kindness on them.

I've been no contact with the narcissistic abusive NVX for nearly a year now, broken up almost three years. I still have to redirect my thoughts when I get caught up thinking about the horrible shit he put me through. But I know that ruminating in that shit gets me nowhere and I substitute that with something good for me like putting on an audio book or going for a walk, stretching, meditating. It takes practice. And it sucks that we are given the burden of healing ourselves but it's worth it. Not only are you better off for having left him, you will also have a deeper and better relationship with yourself for going through this process.

Much love Queen all the best in your journey.

Aloe_You_Vera_Much · 2021-09-27T22:25:56+00:00

I had a similar experience to you. And it didn’t help that I am very critical of myself.

So I had to keep reminding myself of the things I did well, instead of berating myself for the red flags I overlooked. For example I joined FDS and am learning to level up and keep high standards for myself. Or the fact that I actually left this time and stood up for myself instead of overlooking these things. Additionally I’m not so naive anymore. I trust actions and not just word. Now I know what’s important to me in a relationship, and can make that a priority for next time.

A strange one for me that my therapist recommended was to remember the good times in the relationship. She suggested this because I was being so hard on myself for ever getting into the relationship, and feeling like the last six years were a stupid mistake. So she asked me to remember some good times to remind myself that I didn’t necessarily throw out those years entirely.

And the last one is the annoying cliche of time. Four months out I was just where you are. I’m now 8 months out, and I’ve definitely made progress on forgiving myself and letting go of the relationship. I’m not perfect but I’m getting there.

Platipus6 · 2021-09-27T22:39:42+00:00

I use that anger and go for a 30 minute walk, with the rule that I can only ruminate on his shit (and it was his shit, not mine) while I'm walking.

By the end of the walk the endorphins and so on have reduced my cortisol and I'm good for the day.

AnonymousRooster · 2021-09-28T01:38:51+00:00

Personally I say find something that brings you peace/tranquility and add it to the part of the day you feel lowest/start to ruminate on bad thoughts. Use this time to appreciate the fact you are on your own with no interruptions. It can be anything from inspecting each houseplant, playing with your pets, lighting candles, to meditation/yoga. Even better if it is something you would have been shamed for by your ex e.g. your ex hated your plant collection so this is time you inspect every leaf on every plant and enjoy their beauty. Try to spin it as appreciating everything all the more now you are on the other side

its_me_phosphene · 2021-09-28T02:42:05+00:00

I’m going through the exact same thing right now. I felt so pathetic and dumb today for letting my ex manipulate for a third time. I’m reading the comments for advice so thank you for posting and if it makes you feel any better you’re not alone <3

BooksandEarlGreyTea · 2021-09-28T15:23:31+00:00

I can see some ladies have already given you some advice about managing that anger and I wanted to dig a little deeper into it. Is the anger really about you not knowing better or the lack of action from others who could see the situation you were in?

I ask, because as women we live in a victim blaming society. It is trained into us that we are to blame when something bad happens to us.

I got slapped in the face with a few glaring red flags in a couple of relationships, and I was in my late 20s, yet still didn't recognise what they were - was too shocked to wrap my head around how blatant these scrotes were. I had never experienced anything like it before or seen it happen with friends. Only in hindsight and being here can I now see them truly.

I still feel I should have known better, I was not some naive teenager who was new to dating. My way of giving myself grace is remembering I at least ended things with them and got out - I left with only my dignity in pieces (better than staying and tolerating the bs) and I have learnt from it. The cringe and internal facepalming at myself still happens, but I try to see it as a sign of growth and I am not going to do it again.

Br0ther-Finger · 2021-09-28T20:04:25+00:00

I recently heard that to really heal, we have to focus on the positive things that happened because of the relationship.

For me, I have gained a beautiful daughter, a loyal and amazing bonus daughter, I’m wiser to manipulation tactics and I won’t be easily fooled in the future, and I’ve grown in my spiritual life. I’m a better, richer (not financially tho 😅 - divorce rape my ass) person because of the struggles he created in my life so how can I feel negatively about it?

I’m sure you learned a lot through your experience and I hate that you had to walk through it but you made it! It takes strength and you have that now.

Title	Need advice: how to have more grace for myself?
Author	iheartnoodlez
Upvotes	90
Comments	17
Date	September 27, 2021 7:43 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/pwou5d/need_advice_how_to_have_more_grace_for_myself/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/need-advice-how-to-have-more-grace-for-myself.1073927 https://theredarchive.com/post/1073927

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