...FDS and bi-weekly therapy 😂. Wanted to share my journey post LVX breakup in the hopes it helps someone else.

The breakup: 'Wanted different things' is the simplest explanation. Namely, I wanted to marry him and he wanted to get drunk in the tropics and "meet people at bars." Ok fine - I was a pickMe and this was my medicine.

The hurt I couldn't get over:

If I was his best friend and "soulmate" and "partner" (his words) - why couldn't he have been honest with me and say "I'm unhappy in this relationship and want to leave." Instead I had to drag it out of him and say "do you want to breakup??" It really stung to know I'd been sleeping next to someone who wasn't attracted to me any more and wasn't going to ever tell me, instead he was just going to stop having sex with me and make me think it was my fault.

*50/50 is a complete and utter scam and I never would have seen it without FDS:*

LVX was all about 50/50. We used an app to literally split everything. Guess who liked fancy bars with expensive cocktails more? Guess who wanted to order dominoes at 2am? Guess who hated grocery shopping yet loved my cooking??

If you're hesitant about the 50/50 rule think about it this way: you'll be paying for 50% of HIS life, he's not paying for 50% of yours.

Where was my 50% contribution to therapy costs which he graciously benefited from? Where was my 50% contribution to all the nights he slept in my bed at my apartment which was 2x the price of his and better/cleaner/calmer/more aesthetically pleasing than his w cokehead roomies and cats (he was allergic and moved into a 5br w 2 cats 🤡). Oh and he also made 20k more than my salary and daddy paid his medical bills. But "splitting things evenly is mY pHiLoSoPhY" yeah. Okay. Turd.

Going NC and finding FDS:

Shortly after I went NC (~3mo after breakup) and bc he was still trying to use me as emotional mommy I googled "dating subreddit for women only" etc etc and found FDS! I had been looking at r--/OLD/tinder/bumble you name it - and everywhere I looked it was drumroll please MEN COMPLAINING ABOUT LACK OF MATCHES. As if that's the problem. As if the apps aren't designed to use women as bait and take money from ugly men. As if having a match = having a chance. It doesn't. It's all a scam. Women are the product and we're not fairly compensated nor protected.

I knew if I posted anything in those subs about being an attractive women struggling to understand my breakup and finding it difficult for men to want to date me instead of use me the responses I would get: "yeah but it's easy for you bc you're a woman!" "Oh boo hoo someone wants to have casual sex w you" again. No thank you.

Also - wtf is up with all these unsuccessful nerds giving "advice" in OLD subs?? Why would I take advice on how to build a house from someone who's never been let inside one?? Get outta here with that 🤡nonsense.

Back to FDS:

I read the handbook ~shook~ you're telling me I should have listened to my gut from the beginning and saved myself the heartache?? HOLY SHIT THANK YOU. Everything else out there is "talk it through, tell him how much he hurt you" etc etc - how about "here's how to protect yourself and not waste your time." Revolutionary! FWIW im grateful for the relationship I learned a lot and it brought me to FDS.

The biggest comfort FDS brought was knowing so many other beautiful women were experiencing the same struggle. And the safety to talk about it in an all-female sub. I cannot stress how relaxed I felt when I realized not just anyone could post here. Yes I was annoyed at first when my comments got auto-deleted bc I wasn't flaired. But that also told me they weren't going to let just anyone thru.

Sidebar - Message to Reddit Corp: I've been on Reddit for 5+ years and FDS is the first (and only) subreddit I felt safe posting as a woman.

For me now Reddit = FDS. It's literally the point. To come together with women strangers in a safe haven and discuss our lives without fear of being attacked/harassed.

Back to dating:

I'm ready to try again and I have SO many more tools at my disposal. I no longer feel guilty about changing my mind about a guy who makes me uncomfortable over text, or complains about his job, or negs me even the tiniest bit. I say "no thanks!" And block/delete. So much more PEACE. I never realized how much I felt I owed men: an explanation, a chance, my body, my time, my emotional energy, my sanctuary of being. Thanks to FDS (and therapy) I can go into a new dynamic without the weight of trying to make him like me, he either will or he won't.

Some revelations:

⁃ if a man likes you and wants to impress you, he WILL ask you to dinner and he WILL pay.  ⁃ reduce attachment by not saving their # until after first date (and you know you want to see them again) ⁃ embrace the silence: you don't need to fill every gap in conversation irl or in text. Wait to see what he says. How does it feel to sit in silence with him? Are you nervous or do you feel calm. ⁃ if he doesn't post his height - ASK HIM - make sure he meets your standards and if he shows an ounce of defensiveness or flips out - drop him. ⁃ listen to his VOICE - I might do another post on poly-vegal theory which is that our nervous systems are constantly vetting for safety and small signs like vocal patterns convey significant messages. If you pick up weaselly, weak, whiny, weird vibes from his voice GET OUT - that's your eons old nervous system stepping up to bat.

Really grateful for this community, thank you mods for keeping us safe 🙏🏻🙏🏻 Comment your FDS revelations of empowerment and/or ideas for my 6-month NC anniversary gift to myself!!