Need help reconciling FDS with refusing marriage

plutunic · 2019-12-17T08:46:44+00:00

Living together is just fine if you are a double income no kids (or grown kids) couple and want to stay that way.

But if you are looking to start a family with a man, you have no business having kids with a man you wouldn't even consider marrying.

Think about it, the logic is all jacked up. His sperm is good enough for something as completely life altering as kids but no I don't feel like marrying, too dangerous?

Might as well go to a sperm bank, then, because that would be less trouble.

Dominemm · 2019-12-17T13:41:51+00:00

Okay, but marriage is like a man spending money. It's not the act, it's the act for what it implies. Which is a high level commitment. The highest a man can give you. Many anti-marrigae ladies are not looking at it for the protection that it affords.

You need visitation rights, you need tax benefits, you may need insurance if something goes wrong, you need protections if you decide to build a life with this person (like property purchase) and it all goes tits up.

If you decide to have children with this person? You're running a very big risk that a person loves you enough not to fuck you and your kids over when he gets bored. No marriage implies that this man has no responsibility to you.

It doesn't have to be a big thing (the actual getting married), but investing 7+ years with someone that's not your husband and never will be seems like a bad bet.

Janedola · 2019-12-17T15:18:02+00:00

[deleted]

2019-12-17T23:58:09+00:00

I’m another anti marriage type tbf..

pyre10 · 2019-12-18T00:18:17+00:00

I've been very lukewarm on marriage all my life. Never intend to have children, so what's the point? Now I'm dating this guy, and I do want to marry him, it came to me as a strong sudden unwavering desire after date 5. He's shown his love & commitment to me in every way, but he is very strongly against getting married again (had a traumatic first marriage). We are together one year. I don't know, this sub makes me question our relationship more than I would have before.

It does mean a lot. I want him to do it for me. I actually think he will, eventually, because I do believe he loves me. I think if I put pressure on him, he would do it sooner. He kinda agreed at one point, and it made him so anxious and unhappy, I told him to forget about it. I want him to WANT it, to be the one to ask me.

What do I do?! How long do I wait? We are going to move in together in 6 months. I've heard that cohabitation drastically reduces chances of a marriage proposal. Should I not move in with him?

To the OP: the moral of the story here is that how you feel about marriage may change. I used to think that not being married is much more romantic, because you are choosing to be together every day, rather than doing t out of inertia or obligation. I changed my mind once I found the man worthy of marrying, whom I want to have for the rest of my life. Learning how many hard times he endured in his marriage, not leaving because of his commitment to the idea of it, I want the same from him for myself. Marriage is quite meaningful to men.

L1ttl3Lun4 · 2019-12-17T11:50:06+00:00

I'm in the same boat, marriage is steeped with archaic ideals and reminds me of a direct way to keep women disenfranchised. Too messy and expensive if divorce happens (and statistics don't lie) as well.

For me, I'm also childfree so I have even more reason not to.

Even if I ever change my mind (I wont)- I don't like the idea of marriage, especially it's expected for the woman to take the man's last name, and ESPECIALLY the kids. Nah, not into that.

I approach FDS the same way, I look for men that I would think is marriage material, without needing the arbitrary abels. I don't mind if the guy is into marriage, I won't discuss that too early into the relationship though, in case a man thinks that means I'm not into anything serious.

jewdy09 · 2019-12-17T09:10:42+00:00

I agree that becoming legally bound to someone seems like a bad bet. Taking vows seems to mean very little, so why complicate matters with the financial liabilities of a marriage/divorce when you will more likely than not end up splitting eventually? If you don’t need to get hitched for health insurance or whatnot, why not just have a ceremony and a party and skip the part where you pay the state for a license? I think it’s an outdated romantic ideal. But, some states treat common law marriages in the same way as actual marriages so just shacking up with someone for an extended period of time can become problematic.

I think everyone should sit down and hammer out a prenuptial agreement before marriage. I think there should be a workbook of sorts developed by divorce lawyers and family courts that address how things like money, kids, division of labor, infidelity, loss of jobs, illness, dead bedroom, etc. will be handled throughout life by a couple. It’s not very romantic, but let’s be real. I think a wedding great gift for any couple would be one of those online prenuptial agreements. Even if it’s not going to hold up in court, just the act of discussing what might happen in the event of a divorce is worthwhile.

Title	Need help reconciling FDS with refusing marriage
Author	Janedola
Upvotes	17
Comments	33
Date	December 17, 2019 8:37 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/ebt8rj/need_help_reconciling_fds_with_refusing_marriage/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/need-help-reconciling-fds-with-refusing-marriage.686781 https://theredarchive.com/post/686781

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