Needing support: I was sexual harassed on at a Ayahuasca spiritual event by a narcissistic sociopath and I fought back!

I was so excited to attend this Ayahuasca retreat to heal my CPTSD. When I first met man B, he seemed friendly and asked me what boundaries I am comfortable, what my experience is with the healing method, and that they are having as much people fill up the first cabin farthest from the main building. Then when I was walking back and forth from the main building to the cabin I was going to stay at, I kept noticing him looking at me. This made me feel really uncomfortable and more on edge especially due to my trauma history. During the ceremony while we were in the dark laying down in a circle, I kept feeling his energy directed at me. There were several times I caught him staring at me lustfully and with an amused look on his face while I was feeling very anxious and crying about the experience. At one point, while a female helper was helping me calm down, I told her “it is not safe” and gestured in B's direction. The helper and I both looked over at B where he was lustfully staring at me again and then he looked away after noticing us. I think the helper picked up on that energy because she sat in front of me in a protective way and I was then able to let go/surrender with the healing method for a bit. One major reason I had a hard time surrendering and being vulnerable with the healing method was because I did not feel safe around B and I felt strongly that he was going to prey on me. During the experience, a repressed sexual abuse memory came up which was very scary especially because I also did not feel safe around B. As I processed the memory, I felt intense fear and then I started sexually moaning which I stopped myself once I stopped surrendering. That probably encouraged him to continue sexualizing me becauseThen later on in the ceremony, he walked up to me to sit maybe 4 feet away from me staring at me while I was laying. Then I told him, “I don’t feel safe around you.” He said, “What?” I repeated, “I don’t feel safe around you.” He then made a face and walked away. I felt a strong sexual energy/motive from him and it was especially triggering as a trauma survivor who had just uncovered a repressed memory. I also received an insight from the healing method showing me he was not safe and that I should move cabins where more women were to where I felt safe. I could not reach the full healing potential from this experience because I did not feel safe enough to let go. Later that evening, B sang a song about his male identity and people not thinking he was safe. I remember the main female leader saying “that’s a new song!” I think he sang that song because of what I said to him and he was trying to prove that he was safe. I told the main female leader that evening that I did not feel safe around B, had a strong insight about him, and felt like I should speak to her about it. I asked her if he was in the cabin I was at. She told me I was safe wherever I slept, there were door locks and offered to help me if I needed it. I barely slept that night and had my lights on out of fear.

The next day, after lunch, I went into the kitchen after talking to another male group member. I think B just jealous and mad that I was talking to another man and asked me quickly, “can I talk to you later?” I said, “yeah” but avoided him for the rest of the day. I did not feel safe around B and did not feel I had to explain my boundary especially because my focus of the weekend was to heal from my personal trauma. I was not able to fully let go or surrender during my second night. I did not feel safe enough to and was on edge especially being in the same room as B and worrying if he was going to come near me again. I also could barely sleep that night, not just because of the healing method's messages but because of being triggered by B.

The next day during the group, B calls me out in front of everyone saying that it really stung when I said I did not feel safe around him when he offered me fruit. B lied because he was not offering me fruit during the ceremony when I told him I did not feel safe around him. B sat there to stare at me and it wouldn’t even make sense that he would have been offering me fruit. B used an abusive and manipulative tactic called gaslighting to make me question my reality and also publicly shaming/scolding me to isolate me from the group. He tried to guilt trip me, shift the blame from him onto me, and to make me look bad in front of everyone. He then kept staring and finding reasons to talk to me after the group was done. When one of the male group members showed me a book to read about not shaming myself, B came back in the room and asked about the book then asked me if I wanted to check out one of his cards because they held a lot of energy. I shook my head and smiled. Then when I was standing by the stairs, maybe saying goodbye to someone. He waved and smiled at me and asked if I was saying goodbye to him. I shook my head and then he looked at me in a way that I could tell he wanted to talk. So we talked by the front door and he said sorry if I embarrassed you by bringing that up to the group. I said it was okay. Then he said when I told him I didn’t feel safe around him, he wondered if it was because I thought the fruit was toxic. I told him I was not planning on talking to him about this but me not feeling safe could be because he is a man, he reminds me of someone, and his energy. He minimized how I felt and said, “maybe it’s just energy.” I tell him what he wants to hear to get the conversation to end by saying it’s my own stuff and sorry if what I said stung. Here B tried to gaslight me about my intuition instead of holding himself accountable for his inappropriate behavior. Then someone walks behind us and he says something random about his wife. Then he says he does individual healing sessions with the female helper. I just nod my head because in my mind there is no way I would work with him due to his behavior and how unsafe I felt around him. It was shocking to me he would insist on me seeing him individually after I told him I did not feel safe around him. Obviously my feelings and needs were not his concern as his goal was to work individually with me. Later, the female helper walks through the door into the room saying they want to give me their contact information. Once again, B is lingering wherever I am, because he happens to be listening to our conversation and pulls out one of his contact cards. He tells me his phone number is on the back of the card. Here was another way B was pushing my boundaries by giving me his phone number. Then I am walking outside, and B walks out of a cabin staring at me telling me he had to get his keys. Then when I am leaving and smile to say goodbye to the female helper, B once again is in the room and he stares at me. I felt pressured to smile at him, too, so I did. B was trying to make me feel guilty for setting a boundary so I would feel obligated to work individually with him. I should not have had to explain and apologize for my boundary. He should have respected it instead of punishing me and crossing it.

B seems like a sociopath/narcissist for his abusive and exploitative signs. He seemed to be grooming me as he was trying to get me to work with him individually where I would be more isolated, dependent and vulnerable around. The other leaders didn't fully protect me and I felt like B's behavior was being minimalized and swept under the rug. The next week, I speak to one of the female helpers and offers to do individual sessions with B. I tell her I don't feel comfortable with B. She validates me saying he was been reported before for pinning sexual energy on people, he is working on it and is married with a kid. So they know about his behavior and still put him around vulnerable people?!

Ever since this experience, I've been dissociative, having difficulty sleeping and living, and also having trouble integrating my Ayahuasca experience because thinking about it is so triggering. I think from now on I am going to look for female ceremonies. It seems I am a predator magnet especially over the last several years as I've been very vulnerable, emotional, and isolated. I went to a spiritual/Ayahuasca retreat to heal from my traumatic past but ended up getting preyed on. However, I am proud of myself for standing up to him right away, telling other leaders and sticking to my boundaries. In the past, I would have been flattered by his attention and wondered if he was falling in love. I am not naive anymore, I trust my gut and can sense a predator easily. It is unfortunate I did not receive much support from the leaders but hopefully I get my money back. Any support and validation would be great.