Placeholder vs Dreamgirl

FurryBellyButt0n · 2020-06-16T22:45:47+00:00

Placeholder would be 50/50 dates, dating for a long duration of time (2+ years is RED FLAG) if you are both exclusively boyfriend/girlfriend, and if you are a successful well-rounded woman with their shit together or what you bring to them looks really good on paper (in terms of qualities, looks, accomplishments, manners, etc.) to showcase to their family but not actually marry you.

If you are a go-getter person that makes things happen and are successful, IMO you are at risk to be a placeholder girlfriend because the LVM encourages you to take on the Bob-the-Builder-Boyfriend mode to help him advance in his own life, manipulates you into giving more to him than he does to you because he knows you are aMaZiNg but does not want to marry you yet will continue to get consistent sex/therapy until he is done, he will see some mild success from your efforts of building him up because you are hopeful they will marry/see a future with you and will go through the blind motions of halfheartedly doing it with you, then he decides he wants to not marry you because you are now his mommy but he will keep leading you on until there's someone lined up.

fernprincess · 2020-06-16T22:51:15+00:00

When he says the right things to your face but his actions never match.

When you feel like you are just convenient rather than "the one".

When you feel like you are being exploited or used.

When they show up late or don't show up at all to a clearly pre-agreed time.

When they constantly cancel plans on you or don't call or text when they said they would.

When they lose interest or dump you when you refuse to give them money.

When they future fake you but let slip they hate marriage and/or kids.

When they never spend a dime on you - no presents, no dates, no trips, nada.

When the time they spend with you is not quality time and you feel ignored (he's probably playing video games or on his phone instead of acknowledging you existence).

When he makes no bids for your attention - as in showing you things that made him think of you, giving you things that made him think of you, taking you places he thought you'd enjoy, asking you about your day or an event and showing genuine interest with follow up questions etc.

When he doesn't value your mental health or sanity and makes things worse for you and brings drama and struggle every time you're around him.

When he tries to move in with you rather than in with him or getting a place new to both of you.

When he accuses you of things he's actually doing - lying, cheating, emotionally cheating, not being serious about the relationship, being abusive etc.

When he's constantly bringing up how you don't deserve him and he's crap and he doesn't understand why you're with him - he actually wants you to do the work of dumping him.

When he has an unusual amount of women friends who are really FWB or potential partners sitting on the backburner until he's single.

When you have kids and he refuses to marry or become a legal guardian.

Yeah, so I've obviously been there.

CedarBrush01 · 2020-06-16T21:15:15+00:00

The biggest sign for me is whether he invests in you with time and money, period.

I just ended a relationship with a man who told me I'm his dream woman, yet he allowed me to go 50/50 with him because he was broke. Actions will always be louder than words.

bqluoeoedn · 2020-06-16T22:23:17+00:00

There has to be obvious signs of escalation. Meeting the family is no longer any sure sign.

SuccessfulShow5 · 2020-06-16T23:08:51+00:00

It’s such a catch 22! I’ve got all my shit together , on a good place, and I’ve always dated below my financial level but with someone who I found a connection with and nothing ever went anywhere . I believe I need to date someone at or above my financial level now

spreadmywings89 · 2020-06-17T14:57:49+00:00

My gut told me around month 2 that I was just a placeholder, but I didn’t have much to point to as definitive reasons.

Actions not matching words and future faking are big signs. Although at the time, I didn’t realize it was future faking, so that was hard.

Another big sign that encapsulates a lot of the comments here is: not making you feel special.

When my last guy would sing some romantic songs from the radio, I would joke, “aww that’s so sweet, thanks for serenading me.” Then he would protest that he was not serenading me with any song ever. Sounds pretty silly but the fact that he never went along with it made me feel like he was making an effort to make sure I didn’t feel special.

Fast forward to month 7 and he ghosted me. Just gone. I guess I was right - nothing but a placeholder.

2020-06-17T03:10:52+00:00

1.5 years and no ring.

devoushka · 2020-06-17T18:15:21+00:00

I think if the guy talks about the future with you it's a sign he's serious. Like you I've had relationships where I met the family, went on trips with them, etc. and I also always had that feeling that I wasnt the one and ended up getting dumped. Meanwhile my friend who just got engaged after 3 years of dating her fiance said that after about a year he was talking seriously of future marriage, children, buying a house etc. If he never brings those things up and gets quiet/scared if you bring them up, he doesn't see you as his wife.

Title	Placeholder vs Dreamgirl
Author	SuccessfulShow5
Upvotes	74
Comments	17
Date	June 16, 2020 5:25 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/ha8f02/placeholder_vs_dreamgirl/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/placeholder-vs-dreamgirl.691664 https://theredarchive.com/post/691664

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