*Trigger warning - if not obvious from the title, this post deals with the topic of rape. *

Does this line drive any of the rest of you crazy? I have always disliked it, even before I, like I am sure many of you, experienced rape firsthand (and not for the only time).

In addition to it being basically a meaningless sentiment, it seems to me like it demeans the unique horror of the act of rape. Lots of things are about power/control that don’t involve this most unique bodily invasion. You might have a shitty boss who gets off on micromanaging, for whom you could say, “Yeah, that’s all about power and control.” So that’s basically the same act as rape then, just on a different scale? Ridiculous.

It seems like a way to minimize male responsibility and or/the very true fact that pretty much all males (barring age and infirmity) are capable of rape. These men who are “rapists” are not some entirely different kind of person, subject to different inclinations and mental illnesses. We think it couldn’t possibly be some man we know, we like, some nice guy.

But that’s exactly the problem, and something we aren’t prepared to deal with yet. It very often is a “nice guy” who lost control in a moment and 364/365 times it would never have happened.

Does that make the person more sympathetic? Yes. Does it make the person any less guilty, or culpable? Absolutely not. Those are the rapes that go the most unreported, the ones that have often the least consequences, the ones where both parties might spend the rest of theirs lives denying that it happened altogether.

Any act of will can be said to be about power. As someone who has been raped, more than once, I’ve always felt like saying that it not being about the act itself is strangely demeaning, as is trying to label women like me a “victim-survivor” for the rest of my life. Because rape is somehow, like virginity, just another way for a man to change who you are at the core by virtue of his magical dick.

My point is, it’s not just sociopaths and narcissists who rape. It’s not just people clearly and obviously into power, control, ownership. It’s very often a person who you considered a friend, someone you’d swear was decent. And that is exactly what is so terrifying about it. The more we “other” rapists, the less likely we will be to spot predators in our midst, especially if they don’t fit the current profile on the “kind” of men who rape.

Stay vigilant, ladies.