One of my BFFs is in the process of plotting their escape/rescue mission with their little one now so I am going to preface this by noting I am intentionally changing a few details to make sure they stay safe and undetected by the NVM sperm donor/"spouse".

For context, I met my BFF while they were living in a "Westernized" country and they split time 50/50 with their home country and the Western country. My BFF is a dual citizen with this "Westernized" country and their home country. Their home country has strict gendered roles/culture that emphasizes mAsCuLinE BS and strict gendered rules with giving birth. With this said, regardless of culture a LVM and NVM transcends across all areas.

My BFF began dating the LVM after finishing their advanced degree in their home country and did all the classic pickmeisha moves: buying him gifts, sex with him early on, taking initiative to "move the relationship" along, asking definitive answers on their relationship timeline, depraved sexual acts (anal sex and pornsick actions she didn't really enjoy), allowing him to disrespect her time for him to do whatever TF he wanted to do when they would set plans, and a bunch of other disrespectful red flags she was unable to see because she was SO FOCUSED on the sexist brainwashing her society was telling her to "find a spouse and have a baby before 30 or else her eggs will shrivel/she will be a spinster." Despite realizing and expressing to me that the LVM upset her and constantly didn't value her, the only voice she was hearing was the PRESSURE and SENSE OF URGENCY her culture, society, her family full of pickmeishas, and all the internalized sexism she projected onto herself so she decided proudly to continue to make it work with the LVM.

Then, she dropped off the face of the earth and we did not talk for 1.5 years until she magically reached out to me with a baby, 30+ pounds of weight gain, a bunch of unprocessed anger/resentment towards her dead-weight baby daddy, and a complete mindset shift from pickmeisha to FDS newbie. I had messaged her a few times with no response and honestly though she was upset with me kindly expressing my concerns to her about him, but thought it was odd that she had not updated her social media for over a year but I kept trying to send her messages to see if she was okay. When she reached out 1.5 years later, I found out what happened to her was EVEN WORSE than what I initially thought.

Let this be a warning to anyone who thinks settling with a LVM is "no big deal" and that "all men are trash anyways and I am running out of options because I am sOoO oLd" OR believe that it takes the women to cOmPrOmIsE & cOmMuNiCaTe 24/7 to sweep shit under the rug...

Between the time we talked, stopped, and stated talking again as BFFS the following shit went down:

  • At around 29 and 1 year of dating in with the LVM, my BFF noted that she wanted to be married and have kids within the next 2 years. LVM got defensive about her giving him a weak ultimatum and said "if you are so concerned about having a baby before, why do we need to get married to have that happen?" She saw this as an act of romance because he implied he was okay with the baby but not marriage yet and "took him up on the offer" to have a baby so he could have LoTs oF sEcKs with her on a BABY MAKING VACAY then got pregnant.

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  • Obviously they got pregnant successfully which means she is now trapped with the LVM baby daddy for a minimum of 18 years. As soon as she got pregnant, his LVM behavior initially decreased for 1-2 months and for a moment, he even seemed like a HVM for a hot minute because their culture has some strict gender norms and traditions during the pregnant/new family process. He was making her these smoothies, natural healing rituals, setting up meetings with their religious leaders for pregnancy blessings, and other things during her first trimester. She interpreted it as him "becoming a dad" and "showing he cares about their little family/her." My friend was unable to discern that he was doing this because he would be culturally shamed for not doing so with his family but not because he deadass wanted to make the mother of his child happy. This becomes evident later.

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  • During the first half of her pregnancy, the LVM did not increases his effort towards her romantically and continued to spend 1 FULL DAY OFF FROM WORK participating in a local sports league with is college friends and drinking while she was at home nesting alone. He only showed up to 4 doctor's appointments her entire pregnancy even through their country has the leave time/flexibility and policies to allow men paternal/family leave. When she would vent about pregnancy things, he would mention that "she choose this" to invalidate anything she would share with him.

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  • Up until they got pregnant, my BFF only met his family a handful of times and the LVM told my BFF he expected her to build a close relationship with his immediate family (in particular his mom and sister-in-law) because of their cultural expectations. He put not effort in getting to know my BFF's family who also lived in their home country and any family gatherings they hosted had 70% of his family and 30% of hers or ENTIRELY his family during their pregnancy. Both families come from wealth, but his family did not plan or initiate any of their cultural traditions to celebrate her pregnancy (despite it being the cultural expectation for the man's family) so her family held a small celebration to make sure she was not missing out. When she shared that this hurt her to her LVM, he tried to blame my BFF stating it was because "they didn't know her well" since they "had a baby so soon" and defended his family over the MOTHER OF HIS BABY that he actively agreed to have and intentionally scheduled a BABY MAKING VACAY WITH MY BFF because he KNEW what he agreed to do. He also downplayed/gaslighted her saying it isn't as disrespectful as she was making it out even through their country and everyone knows that if you don't do it, you are sending a CLEAR MESSAGE of disrespect.

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  • My BFF suggested having a family vacation to bond with his family more during her 2nd trimester of pregnancy and they rented a beach house to share with the LVM's immediate family members for a week. She really personalized the LVM rebuttal when she called him/his family out and it was breaking her heart that she sensed his family did not approve of her. My BFF had an extremely high-risk pregnancy with gestational diabetes, preeclampsia, herniated disks from a previous medical procedure, at least 1-2 other awful complications that required her blood pressure/body movements to be structured during the day (monitored by doctor all the time) and some chronic lady issues (UTIs/Yeast Infections/etc.) that eventually turned into a severe life-threatening birthing complications later on. She had the VACATION FROM HELL which confirmed he was the LVM she knew he was...
    • The family members that attended was the LVM's mom/dad (future grandparents of BFF's baby), and LVM's brother and sister-in-law. They rented a beach house and EVERYONE agreed that each couple would take turns making 1 dinner each night for the whole group. My BFF was on light duty from their doctor and a week before their scheduled vacation, was explicitly instructed that they must be sitting 80% of their day and had to monitor blood pressure/swelling the entire vacation. LVM's LV-brother started "joking" that my BFF was a "princess" for needing to sit down a lot during the vacation and kept making digs at my BFF being a "debbie-downer" on the family vacation fun because they had to stop some activities early for her to take breaks or get med from her purse (heaven forbid a 5 min delay doing something fun while on VACATION). All the trash men that attended kept calling her "Princess BFF" and scapegoating her as the "difficult" woman of the entire family for managing her BASIC MEDICAL NEEDS to survive. My BFF explained how exhausting, stressful, and hard the pregnancy was and his mother/sister-in-law passively listened but allowed their trash men to completely disrespect her without saying a damn thing.
    • They shamed my BFF for wearing makeup and trying to take pride in her appearance despite feeling NASTY 24/7 which amplified the "Princess BFF" chanting from the family during the vacation. They also shamed her for being diligent in eating healthy to manage her gestational diabetes and following doctor's orders because she's "so stuck up she can't even enjoy eating dinner with her family while on vacation" anytime his mom/dad made cultural dishes that were heavy in fat, sugar, and other things she couldn't eat. She mentioned her health accommodations to the family before vacation, during the beginning of vacation, and during the entire vacation but would continually be dismissed. She BEGGED LVM to stand up to his family and he passively "advocated" for her 2 times but it was obvious he did it out of obligation to "appease" her and not because he genuinely cared about her feelings or dignity.
    • My BFF offered to stay back on the family excursions because she didn't feel well and didn't want to hold up the fun because the LVM kept "joking" 24/7 that she was a "Princess" so they could do things without delay. My LVM told her he was happy she decided this, did not CHECK IN WITH HER AT ALL WHILE they were away, "forgot" his phone at the beach house and peaced out to have fun with his family. He didn't even offer to spend an hour just with her so she cried 1 full day on vacation all alone. He did not ask his family to stop in the house to check in on her either which could have risked her life if she fainted or had a medical complication because no one gave a shit about her to even send a text or check in. When she told me about this vacation 3+ years later she said it was clear that she was just "the incubator for my LVM's baby to his family and nothing more" and she said this realization "broke her heart and made her realize the man she was with did not love her."
    • When it was my BFF's/LVM turn to make the family dinner on vacation, my BFF intentionally picked making a meal that was a standard dinner fare for most average families in their country that was not deep fried, but by no means extremely healthy (like USA version of BBQ grilled chicken, mac and cheese, and some green beans but in their home country), to appease the crowd and also bought some vegetables/fruits to snack on so she could have some healthy options with the dinner. At this point, her body was swollen and her blood pressure was extremely high so they told her she could't stand to cook on the stovetop, but could sit and prep the meal that way. The LVM family called her lazy, a bad future mom, and a bunch of other awful abusive statements to guilt/shame her into not "doing her equal part of the family contribution" for their vacation meal. The LVM's brother-in-law yelled at my BFF because she "made the vacation all about herself" by "making" his LVM brother have to stand and STIR the recipe while my friend was sitting to cut, assemble, and give the LVM instructions on how to cook the meal while sitting next to him at the table. LVM threw a fit about having to do this because it was "No longer a team effort" and he felt like he had to do "all the work" too. The LVM also was "struggling" to follow basic instruction from my BFF despite choosing to make a baby with her and wanting to be a dad AKA trying to weasel his way out of cooking because he NEVER really expected to help her with their "family dinner" on vacation. The LVM brother kept saying NASTY and uncalled for digs towards my BFF about her being "difficult" and how "if she's bad now, imagine when she becomes a mother" and other depraved shit. My BFF started sobbing at the table and the LVM said NOThinG to his brother or to defend my BFF at all. The ONLY good thing that happened was FINALLY the LVM mother-in-law told the men to go outside and helped cook the meal for the LVM from the stove top, but did not comfort or support my BFF at all other than passively being there. The sister-in-law privately told my BFF she was "embarrassed" her husband acted that way towards my BFF but did not defend her or do anything to support her.

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  • In their culture, there are some norms that pregnant/new moms need to follow in their society up through 2-3 years of the child being born. One of the traditions is that there is a period where a new mom "transitions" into motherhood and must be surrounded by FEMALE presence only for the first 1-3 months with minimal interaction with LVM/male family members for infant bonding. My BFF wanted to not disrespect her LVM family, but also wanted there to be equal time between her female family members and his female family members supporting her with the afterbirth rituals and process. The LVM was adamant that he would "allow" my BFF's mom/sister to come down to stay with them for 2 months, but only AFTER his mother/sister-in-law were there for the first 1-2 months which took away many of the special "first moments" during this tradition because her family only got the tail end of it. His family lives 30 minutes away but refused to go back/forth so they had to LIVE with my BFF for the full 2 months 24/7. The apartment was in my BFF's name and the LVM works in a lucrative industry in their home country, but feels it's fair for his financial contribution to be "groceries" since "they are not married and having a baby together." My BFF has investments/stipends she was living off of and the LVM would complain about having to be a grownass adult and pay bills on his own DESPITE making 10X more than her.

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  • During her 2nd and 3rd trimester, my BFF found inappropriate messages between the LVM and other women he was "talking" to before they were together. After the vacation, they basically stopped having sex at all because she was so hurt/disgusted with his behavior and she's fairly certain he was having sex with some of those women because there were times he said he was "going to work" but it was not lining up with his location and other factors.

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  • During the 3rd trimester, the doctor told my BFF that if complications are bad during birth, she may need a hysterectomy due to her complex medical issues and LVM made "a joke" that since "they are having a girl, he may need to find a second wife to get a son." In their culture, divorce is rarely done and he did not have the emotional intelligence or did not even care to CHECK IN to see how she was feeling because SHE WANTED to have a bunch of kids so this HURT to hear from the doctor and was EXTREMELY painful for her to find out he basically saw her as replaceable.

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  • When my BFF gave birth, she ended up in the ICU and had a traumatic birthing experience that almost killed her because her home country dismissed a UTI that resisted antibiotics and they discovered it became sepsis when she was delivering 2 months EARLY and her organs were shutting down during an emergency c-section. The LVM did not want to be in the birthing room because of GENDER NORMS there and had his mother be there instead. He was able and approved to take time off work to be with her, but choose to go into work while she was in a medically induced coma and my BFF said she only recalls his mother-in-law being there to support her in the hospital to visit. She recalls being in a COMA and hearing his mother-in-law call the LVM on speaker phone to BEG him to visit my BFF in the hospital because she was fearful of her getting worse and
    to pray for my BFF/baby because they ICU said it was a 60/40 chance she may not make it and the LVM said "when it's more clear there's danger, tell me and I'll stop by." My BFF's baby was 4 pounds in the NICU, extremely premature with underdeveloped lungs, and needed to be there a FULL year and 3 months before being sent home. During this time, the LVM only would visit maybe once every 2 weeks for HIS OWN CHILD and his mother/sister were there instead. My BFF was also in the hospital for A FULL YEAR to recover in the ICU and was not able to see or hold her baby until 7 months post-op. Since there were so many complications, my BFF had to agree to allow his mother/sister-in-law to come home and stay with them for the cultural post-birth transition once she was discharged from the hospital and begin the mandatory 2 months with them WHILE RECOVERING with PT and other therapies to get back to "normal." The LVM only visited my BFF maybe once a month and when she was in a coma, he did not talk to her or do anything until she was awake. My BFF was unable to see her family until 1 year and 8 months after she initially birthed her child for them to visit her.

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  • While my friend was in the hospital, she wrote down explicit instructions or things she wanted her LVM to do if she ever had extreme medical complications and there was a possibility of death. She wrote them down in a document and sent it to him with who to call/contact in her support system if what she feared happened (and it did). The LVM did not do ANY OF THE ITEMS she listed. He did not call her mom/sister to let them know so they could visit earlier in the hospital, the LVM's mom did once my BFF gained consciousness because she was experiencing failure to thrive (away from her baby, her family, and being loved does things to your psyche/health) and the LVM mom finally did something NICE because she knew how fucked up her son was acting. My BFF's mom and sister did not know what happened, when she gave birth, how long she was hospitalized, or where she was located. My BFF also listed ME as an emergency contact and gave the LVM my social media, my number, my address and other items so he could reach out to me and let me know she was okay. He admitted to SEEING MY MESSAGES AND OUTREACH FOR 1.5 FULL YEARS BUT CHOOSE TO NOT LET ME KNOW so I truly believed she was upset with me for something stupid but really he was a TRASH man who was threatened by our friendship and let me think she was MIA for awhile UNTIL she was physically strong enough to reach out and let me know what happened. My BFF said she was enraged that he purposely did that, admitted it, and didn't realize how controlling/abusive he was until she saw him suppressing contact with her family/friends during a medical emergency.

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  • My BFF's baby needed extensive therapy, medicine, and support for the first 3 years of life since she was a premie. The baby requires a prescribed nutritional shake every day STILL to make sure they are getting enough nutrients and the LVM refuses to do more than 50/50 payment for this expense for his own DAUGHTER. The LVM still is in their sports league and spends 1 of their 2 days off a week hanging with his friends instead of his FAMILY. My BFF said he did not change a single diaper for the baby for the first 9 months they were alive and she can count on 1 hand the amount of times he really changed her on his own without nagging or being asked. My BFF said he ONLY STARTED minimal contributions to child-rearing duties at about 2.5-3 years of their kid being alive because he was BUTTHURT his daughter preferred my BFF and treated him like a stranger because it made him look bad in a culture where family is heavily emphasized so now he is "trying" out of obligation and noticing what little bond his daughter has with him. My BFF had to review basic tasks with him non-stop for him to "understand" (aka her not do it for him because he is purposely doing it shitty) how to feed his kid, talk to a child, play with his child, etc.

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  • My BFF visited me with the baby 2 years ago and it coincided with Mother's Day. The LVM was in their home country. He did not wish her a Happy Mother's Day over text or call, he did not post anything on social media, and he did not get her a gift. She was very upset and said this isn't the first year it happened, but she knows it's not healthy to stay because she doesn't want her daughter to think it's okay for a man to treat her like that. Also during this trip, she bought him some nice work shirts and shipped them back to their house as a "surprise/we miss you" sweet message to him and he called her back. She thought it was a "happy belated mother's day" call because of the time zone but he called BECAUSE HE NEEDED NEW HEADPHONES and wanted her to buy him that too. WTF

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  • Since she's my BFF's first and only biological daughter she can have, she always throws a really nice birthday party for her daughter with both families invited at their home country. The LVM did not contribute a single dollar towards any of the birthday parties she's had (6+ and each party about $500-$1000 each party) despite saying he would EACH year. He has no issues posting the party pictures on social media and taking credit for "helping" through because he doesn't want to appear like the bad dad he is.

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  • The reason she's currently staying with the LVM is because dual citizen divorce/custody can get ugly so she is privately meeting with lawyers and getting EVERY DAMN DUCK in a row from both countries policies/laws to make sure she will get 100% custody once she leaves. She had to legally marry the NVM and needs to "pretend she loves him" for the next few years until she can launch full custody battle and win. The reason she's extremely calculated and careful is because the LVM said "I would fight for full custody if we are not together, not because I want to really have it but because I know it will hurt you the most that way to know you won't be able to see your daughter every day." Since he said this, she is pretending to be a passive happy stay-at-home mommy pickmeisha but 100% knows that's no longer who she is and she's READY to leave but needed to give him a sense of "control" so he didn't sense anything was off. She suggested getting married which made him SUPER HAPPY because he thinks she won't leave now and be his forever slave, but it's really to establish a legally binding custody agreement and have the court rule in her favor. She has met with every expert in both countries to make sure it will happen, but has to frame it like it's "for the family/him" so he continues to document shitty behavior so she's confident the case will be solid.
  • My BFF is basically a single mom right now and knows the situation is temporary, but it's hard because she FELT the warning signs but didn't imagine it would ever get this far for her. She dismissed what her gut was telling her and what he was showing through his actions because of her cultural brainwashing, but knows now it's beyond "lazy passive husband in our country because women are mothers" and is 10000% emotional abuse. She now has to continue the role as his maid, sex doll, and therapist until he won't see it coming.

We are still close but we have to be careful communicating now because her trash husband still thinks I am "shady" because I don't ignore the fact that he is a SHITTY human and that makes him butthurt so when we talk, we come up with different "codes" that correspond with reality tv so I can find out if she's okay. I have her family's information to reach out to them if things get worse.

Her biggest piece of advice to me was to NEVER SETTLE especially if you want to start a family because the stakes are even higher the second you bring a baby into the world. She said she ignored the disrespect thinking it would change when he became a dad, but it never did. It got worse. It is getting better NOW because he is paranoid my friend is considering leaving him so now she has to AMP UP the fake love towards him to manipulate/stroke his ego more so there are no more twists in his crappy games with her and for her to maintain the status quo for her wellbeing. My BFF said if she didn't have her daughter, she would have been gone LONG ago, but knows he will use their daughter as a pawn to manipulate/hurt her so she has to be very aware of making it a gradual, believable process to escape. She is looking into adoption when she does leave to have another child on her own as a single mom, but refuses to add to the family if he's in the picture right now. Despite the cultural/religious implications from her home country, she said it's better to be a single mom and know where my responsibilities/support system stand than to have a pretend support system that adds dead weight to my entire family (her/her daughter).