Trauma bounding.

Throoooowawayyyyy55 · 2020-02-17T15:31:09+00:00

Yes. It’s a horrible cycle of being addicted to the highs and lows of an abusive relationship.

What helped me get out of it was changing my social circle and focusing on myself to recapture my self worth. I had put this LVM on a pedestal and in my eyes no man could compare—in reality he was a lazy worthless sack of shit.

Changing my social circle helped me realize that there were MUCH better men out there. Adding to that the way they treated me was like night and day....I was actually treated with respect and dignity!

The fact you’re aware of your trauma bond is a great step in the right direction. Many women can’t move forward because they don’t even realize they’re in it.

blessedwiththree · 2020-02-17T16:27:23+00:00

I am also working through my trauma bond right now. Counseling has helped immensely because I have been given techniques to realize what is occurring in my head. Whenever I start to make excuses for his behavior or have that feeling in my head where I want to believe the "highs" of his actions/behavior and not the lows- I have begun to acknowledge them in my head. They are just feelings and they don't need to be acted on. For example: if he starts to treat me "nicely" and I began to question my perception (this is also part of his gaslighting) and feel drawn to him, I call out the behavior.

For a small example, a couple of months ago the kids and I were all really sick. Unfortunately, I still allow him in my residence because the divorce is still not final and we decided since the youngest baby is not weaned yet that he would see him at the residence (believe me, once June comes this will no longer happen). He came into my house and he took out the trash. I started to have feelings of "oh, how sweet and thoughtful, he didn't have to be asked- maybe I was wrong about him. This is when you call out the behavior and acknowledge the feelings. In my head I said, "wait a minute, a normal person-pretty much anyone, that observed that something needed to be done due to everyone being extremely ill, would either do it or ask what help was needed". Then I continued in my head to call out what he has done to me so that I couldn't make excuses for his behaviors: "a person who loves you doesn't sudden discard their wife and kids for the second time, a person who loves you doesn't cheat,lie, abuse etc".

It is very hard because it really feels like an addiction (and if you have co-dependent tendencies it probably is). Let yourself feel the feeling and then use your logic to reframe what is really happening. Do not allow yourself to be sucked in again or this will be the rest of your life. It's crazy how strong these feelings can be. My STBXH left the first week of October and although I am no longer attracted to him and don't want him back, I still struggle with the thoughts that I am seeing it wrong and that he really is a nice guy. I still struggle with obsessive thinking about him and the situation and the more interaction with him (good or bad) that I have the more he is on my mind. If you don't have children with him then block him, unfriend him, do whatever you can to stay away from him and prevent him from contacting you. Do not react to any of his attempts to weasel back in or manipulate you.

Ms_Tilly · 2020-02-17T16:34:43+00:00

Trauma bonding is the worst thing I have ever dealt with. I didn't want that man back in my life, but I thought about him obsessively for months. I did everything I could to heal and didn't even consider dating until I was ready. One thing I didn't do was contact him or go onto his social media. I stupidly did respond to a couple of his texts only to be immediately ghosted. That's why blocking and deleting is crucial. Phone number, social media....BLOCK IT ALL. Do not allow them access to you at all.

You can get a lot of help from bpdlovedones on reddit and also subs dedicated to healing from narcissists. But most of all it takes a huge amount of time and self love. Writing down every hurtful thing he did really helped me. You don't send it to them because they 100% don't care, but it will help you see how they didn't actually love you and it helps with moving on.

Maisiebr · 2020-02-17T17:22:20+00:00

I wouldn't advise anyone to get to this point, but unfortunately I only managed to get away after about three and a half years when I absolutely had enough. I started to write down the things he did and said to me to a note in my phone - it's important to keep in mind it might be dangerous if you aren't sure about your phone (or anything you write in) being safe from your partner. Looking back on those in times of euphoria shocked me to my core. I couldn't imagine how this was the same person, but I tried to remind myself as much as possible that this shit will happen again and again if I stay. The cognitive dissonance started to dissipate. I knew the good times were a facade. In one particularly bad case where I felt hurt and violated, I found the chance to leave and I took it. He pestered me for about a month, but I looked back on those notes and realized that he said the same things before. I listened to love songs I associated with him (I certainly wouldn't advise this), and I cried a lot. I expanded my social circle and went to events with them, I went to events alone, I wandered the city, I even tried OLD for a bit of flirting. I also wouldn't advise the latter, but I didn't know better and it actually ended up quite well for the most part - I flirted with the good looking and seemingly respectful men, had a few dates with them, and chose one after he showed commitment, effort and intention for months. But when I was still alone and haven't even gone on a date with any of them yet, I started to feel at peace. I listened to those love songs and they wouldn't remind me of him any more, or if they did, it seemed a distant memory. I felt like being alone was the best I felt for years. And I cried some more, because leaving abruptly and focusing on other things while letting myself feel the grief with limits helped me to break free.

2020-02-17T16:35:36+00:00

There is no way out of this apart from just leaving and suffering. You are going to suffer. Its a harsh reality but you will. Youve got to resist going back. Its going to feel like torture. Youve got to get through it.

curlygirl507 · 2020-02-17T16:48:25+00:00

Sorry that you're going through this. You have to use logic. The chances of the situation improving are very slim, and the chances of the abuse escalating are extremely high. It doesn't matter how you feel about him. What matters is how he treats you.

I understand because I was in an abusive relationship too, and even though it was brief and ended over a year and a half ago, I still think about my ex, and think that if he hadn't become an addict and wasn't abusive, we would have a happy life together. In fact, just the other morning I woke up from a dream in which he was holding me and telling me I was the only person he wanted to be with. My emotions are still confused because the reality is that he's abusive and I need to stay away. Heartbreaking.

ghygdryhchmmmmjj · 2020-02-17T21:12:01+00:00

Your brain actually has to undo the abusive conditioning. It has to PHYSICALLY REGROW connections. This takes time. It starts with full no contact of the abusive person. Then lots of time. Everytime a positive memory of the love bombing floats in , you smash it down. It wasn't real, it was fake part of the manipulation. The bad ones were reality, his true character. The bad ones you can go ahead and let yourself remember. This consistency over like... 2 years , for me anyways got me to a point where there is zero bond. I find him extremely pathetic. I'm so embarrassed I ever fawned over him. Many people did not like him, and saw him for the sleaze ball that he is. I was the biggest 🤡 of all time. So embarrassed. On the flippety he's a permanent clown. I at least could grow and change from the situation, he will always be extremely disordered. From love, to fear, to disgust. Trust me. You will soon feel disgusted with him. Some one will mention him and you'll snort with eye roll rather than feel faint or anxious. But its NOT a good idea to date while your healing from a traumatic bond. It becomes a dumpster fire. I was once juggling 5 f boys at once to try and keep my emotions detached. I thought I was getting out there and finding new people! I thought I was being open minded. Lmao. No I was just a free prostitute for more than one person. None of them cared about me so then I felt rejected × 5 rather than just once. I got all the typical f boy behavior, never introducing me to friends, only wanting to meet late, only wanting to meet on their terms, and then suddenly ghosting while continuing to leave breads crumbs. I now am dateing ZERO men because my standards are very high and I need them to care about me or its not worth my time. And no sex till I'm ready. And I'm looking for actual love not just for some one to give me attention. You have to heal before you date. Trust me. It takes time.

meanemad · 2020-02-17T23:57:16+00:00

[removed]

sissysheeps · 2020-02-18T01:04:01+00:00

I went through this with my narcissistic step mother. Different, but same basic idea. What helped was cutting all forms of contact for almost two years. I still talk about it with my therapist and and we're now extremely low contact, like a grand total of 3 hours in the last year despite living 20 minutes away.

By 'greatful feeling', do you mean like when you feel guilty for how mad you are at them because they did like one nice thing? If that's what you mean, I really struggled with that all throughout my childhood, and what helped was realizing that any 'good' thing she did, and any 'good times' we had, were only good in comparison to the absolute hell she put me through during the remainder of the time.

Love should not be a struggle, sure the logistics of any relationship can be difficult sometimes, and couples argue sometimes, but it should never be a situation where you're on eggshells all the time, waiting for the next big fight, or cycle of abuse.

If you currently are/were with someone exhibiting narcissistic behaviors, do not ever get it into your head that they will listen or change. As soon as they realize you've moved on, or you're getting better, they will try to suck you back in through any means necessary, including being nice, or reminding you of like, the three nice things they've done for you.

What helped me finally let go was the fact that when I cut my step mom off, her reaction wasn't that of a mother missing a child, but more of a how dare you think you can get rid of me. That showed me that I had nothing to be grateful for, or feel guilty about.

It's good that you recognize that this is something that can't just be ignored. I would recommend therapy if you can, to work through this, and then to recognize why you ended up with this person in the first place.

Exciting-Anxiety · 2020-02-17T15:35:45+00:00

I wish I could somehow help, but I am struggling with this situation as well. I know exactly how you feel and I am truly sorry. It's gonna take some time, you need to realize that there are people who gonna treat you just like you deserve to be treated.

12sushi · 2020-02-17T19:45:12+00:00

Look up fawning response trauma and cptsd.

ana-moss-city · 2020-02-17T18:55:15+00:00

Therapy! Therapy, therapy, therapy! Do you have access to it? I personally found CBT therapy to be the most helpful.

Title	Trauma bounding.
Author	ana-moss-city
Upvotes	50
Comments	29
Date	February 17, 2020 3:27 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/f5aa3v/trauma_bounding/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/trauma-bounding.682235 https://theredarchive.com/post/682235

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