I'll preface this by acknowledging that I was an avid FDS poster at the start of the pandemic and continued to check FDS daily, UNTIL the mental health aspects of the pandemic and my recovering pickme tendencies allowed me to have a moment of weakness by talking to a pickme friend (story for another day) that encouraged me to "have faith and learn to trust" after surviving a previously emotionally abusive POS ex previously until I made the mistake of entertaining a man I thought was potentially HVM into dating me (I'll write a follow up post on the red flags I now realized in retrospect for another day). So, when I found FDS I felt SO empowered and was learning many valuable tools--however, I would first recommend that anyone who is DEAD SERIOUS about making a SERIOUS COMMITTMENT to leveling up and adhering to the lifestyle of FDS to truly treat this process as if you are a recovering codependent (or a person recovering from any type of mental health condition and/or substance abuse disorder).

There is a reason why most 12 step programs and support groups that address trauma will emphasize the importance of natural supports outside of romantic relationships and advise survivors to REFRAIN FROM DATING 100% (if they are not already married) for at least a FULL YEAR from their commitment to sobriety/recovery.

Now that I have learned this the hard way, I am FULLY committing to NO DATING from the time I broke up with the NVM (ie: the "potentially HVM" I spoke TOO SOON about) during the summer of this year until 365+ days after to ensure I am going to therapy, working on my own personal goals to level up outside of the fuckery of men, take control of saving money/finances since this breakup set me back (lost about 6 months of savings to GTFO during a pandemic and a temporary period of unemployment), and to continue to live my best life.

If you want to read my original post here is the link: https://www.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/gt2g2d/my_experience_implementing_the_3_month_rule_on/

I still agree that one should wait at least 3 months to have any type of physical intimacy, HOWEVER, I will now say with absolute certainty that from here on out--I will hold out even longer. There are men that are willing to date virgins and/or hold out on sex so if they are pressuring you for physical intimacy after 3 months, he ain't the one.

Personally, after this shitstorm of having to move out with a man I cohabitated with too soon after allowing him to swindle (manipulate) me into allowing my guard down to get to the point of allowing him to hint or suggest alternatives to get me to change my boundaries or consider alternatives that ultimately were red flags that he intentionally embedded behind a "potentially HVM mask" until my name was off my lease and I was then formally moved in, I will say with absolute certainty that from here on out I will NEVER cohabitate with a man until we are 2-3 months away from a wedding date OR until AFTER we get formally married.

So now I'll get to why my stance has changed with the 3 month rule and WHY it's imperative to hold out EVEN LONGER. Once I finish my "no dating" year of self-reflection, therapy, and healing, I plan to not have any physical intimacy BEYOND KISSING/MAKING OUT until 6 months. Here is why...

Scientists that research how the human body reacts to an orgasm have indicated that when we have sex, the brain activity of people having an orgasm while under a fMRI (Functional Magnetic Resonance Imaging Machine) or PET (Position Emission Tomography) scans, the following effects are found in our brains:

  1. After the O, the lateral orbitofrontal cortex becomes less active in your brain during and after sex so our sense of fear, anxiety, and logical thinking decreases. This means the man you think is "potentially HVM" will seem EVEN MORE LIKE A HVM since you want it to be and you are more likely to dismiss logical red flags or subtle orange/yellow flags after you engaged i sex with a man. You are also more likely to fall into an abusive or predatory man post-sex because afterwards, your lateral orbitofrontal cortex, the part of the brain that helps you regulate your physical feelings of anxiety/fear, will also be reduced so you are less likely to discern safety considerations and vetting you may had listed in your head beforehand.
  2. There are various parts of your brain involved in achieving an orgasm and if you do not know how this will affect your body and wellbeing overall after an orgasm, you need to WAIT LONGER to have sex for your own benefit! The parts of your brain that "light up" after and during sex include the genital sensory cortex, motor areas, hypothalamus, thalamus, and substantia nigra. For women, oxytocin is the "cuddle" hormone released from your body and brain (from the hypothalmus) to help coordinate your arousal so even if the man is subpar, you will feel some type of kinship or connection after having sex. This can put our lives at risk by giving men the benefit of the doubt and allow us to lower our guard with safe sex, enforcing boundaries, etc.

The thalamus helps our brain process the information related to the sexual experience we are engaging with in the moment related to the sensory aspects of sex including touch, movement, and any sexual memories or fantasies that one may think about or do in the moment to reach orgasm. This is also why it's important for former pickmes and kinkmes to really assess how the patriarchy does not benefit their dignity, safety, and mental wellbeing while having sex as trauma bonding is often reinforced through this part of our brain. If you are planning to leave a LVM and/or are contemplating if the person you are dating is a potentially LVM to GFTO, I would encourage you to use your menstrual cycle as an excuse to not engage in sex or reduce the amount of sex you would be willing to engage in with them if you are in a vulnerable situation that requires you to plot a formal escape with no contact and you feel compelled to "keep the peace" to get everything in order beforehand because it will make it THAT MUCH HARDER to pull the trigger. In my own experience leaving my ex that I mentioned in my previous post about this topic, I had decided by the end of Feburary 2021 I wanted to leave the situation but had moved into their house and was financial venerable at that point, so I made sure to schedule my work hours when he was at home and would intentionally go home every other weekend to my family to gradually bring home small, important items like my documents, bank information, and other items of value little by little in a discrete fashion AND I also made it know that I was "reallllly into handjobs" when we had time together to reduce the amount of sex we had so I would stay strong and follow through...

  1. Dopamine, a neurochemical released during sex, is the hormone in your rain that is responsible for feelings, desire and motivation. The ventral tegmental area part of your brain is the first to release dopamine and then other parts of our brain, including the prefrontal cortex and nucleus accumbens, will also gradually release dopamine after sex as a "reward" which is why researchers often refer to dopamine as the "pleasure chemical." Dopamine helps us learn and take notice of human behaviors that help us self-regulate our central nervous system like food and sex, so we are motivated to continue to engage in those behaviors.

This can be risky to women as a LVM can use post-coital "pillow talk" and the afterglow of sex (due to the prefrontal cortex and nucleus accumbens continuing to release dopamine after the immediate O) makes us less logical than we were before we engaged in sex with the LVM, but also feel compelled to act in an impulsive manner after sex by oversharing personal/past information about previous partners, dating, or other sensitive information a LVM would eventually use against you or try to manipulate you later on.

Another caution: if you are a NEURODIVERSE woman adhering to FDS be mindful of how your invisible disability, it is your responsibility to be mindful and accept the additional layers of venerability you may have if you decide to engage in sex too early on with a man when you are dating. I have ADHD and some other mental health recovery aspects to manage, and although I had made it to the "3 month" phase, I wish I had waited longer because there were red flags and other aspects I did not consider related to my executive functioning, managing my impulsive behaviors, and staying vigilant/consistent with documenting my dating observations since my short term memory can sometimes fluctuate depending on the environment. This can include other neurodiverse conditions too, but my experience is specifically my lived one and my educational background in this area so for those with ADHD: be mindful that your prefrontal cortex does not process information in the same way and that's totally OKAY but you need to work with what you got by HOLDING OUT A FEW MONTHS LONGER and KEEPING A PAPER TRAIL/JOURNAL of OBSERVATIONS if your short term memory is inconsistent. Individuals with ADHD already have a lower baseline of dopamine, often accompanied by other co-morbid mental health conditions, and many of us DO NOT have a fully developed prefrontal cortex which is why medication, therapy, and the environment is a huge part of managing this condition. This made me more vulnerable that I initially wanted to admit, and I am a Queen with multiple advanced degrees in a helping profession, so there is NO SHAME in recognizing that you need to take additional precautions to keep your mental health and self-advocacy in check so IMO this includes--WAITING LONGER. For me, it was recognizing that although my ADHD can be a "strength" in some settings, with dating--it means I need to vetting 2X as long and wait EVEN LONGER to jump into bed with someone as well as TAKING MY MEDICATION before interacting on a date in the future to reduce my impulsive symptoms.

  1. Oxytocin is the bonding hormone that is released after orgasm and this hormone makes us feel close to others and promote affection/bonding to facilitate a sense of love and attachment. When you have sex, your pituitary gland secretes oxytocin and the hypothalamus releases this hormone throughout the body after you orgasm. Prolactin is another hormone that is released during orgasm and produces that satisfied feeling after sex to also make you more willing to strengthen social connections with humans after engaging in sex. These hormones can reinforce trauma bonding with the wrong partners (LVM, NVM, ZVM) and make it harder to logically discern the toxicity of the situation one is currently in once the "potentially HVM mask" slips off if you are having a satisfying sex life initially and make it less likely you will take action to breakup quickly if you continue to engage in sexual behaviors with men.

  2. The brain is not able to tell the difference between activities that make you feel good, like listening to music or eating a delicious meal, from sex as the brain's reward pathways in the brain activate the same neurochemical responses as engaging in "risky" behaviors like gambling, alcohol, or having sex with LVM too soon so use this knowledge as POWER when you are feeling frisky early on in the dating process and channel that HORNINESS into something productive for your own benefit! Sure, you may have a potentially HVM that you are talking/dating for 3-4 months, but the reward will be the same effect as something else (best case scenario if he truly is the HVM you think he is which statistically speaking is probably unlikely) and WORST CASE the short term gratification of sex (the risk) will not be worth the long term effects (reward) if they eventually end up being LVM, NVM, or ZVM. Your peace is the most important thing and if it's meant to be, this man will not make it an issue waiting a little longer.

  3. Recovering kinkmes should recognize that just because the pituitary gland gives off chemicals to release endorphins like oxytocin and vasopressin, does not mean it's a healthy or rewarding experience to your wellbeing long term as sexual activity is known to make you less sensitive to pain during sex. Vasopressin is the endorphin released by the pituitary gland that is responsible for the pain reduction response one has while engaging in sex so often LVM will attempt to use those vulnerable moments to "spice things up" and suggest pulling your hair, smacking your butt, suggesting anal sex and other depravity "because it feels good" but the flip side of the pain reduction aspect, is the one experiencing the direct pain has a increase in intimacy and bonding with their partner which can be a RECIPE FOR DISASTER if they are a LVM. On FDS, kinks are discouraged for many reasons, but the hormonal aspect on the woman's psychological wellbeing post-coitus should also be a red flag if a man suggests to engage in behaviors to hurt you in any capacity during sex.

You may even think that it would "build trust" or "strengthen your relationship" if it's long standing and you're just learning/lurking FDS, but VASOPRESSIN isn't released as much (if at all) in the one inflicting pain on their partner, so ask yourself this....WHAT ARE YOU REALLY GETTING OUT OF THIS?

What you are getting is a man that doesn't respect you as a human being and sees you as a bangmaid pornstar that he feels entitled to manipulate and/or degrade during sex, one of the most intimate acts one can engage in, and although you may be open to their inquiry since you feel a connection (oxytocin and other hormones tricking your brain in the moment), it will make you feel EVEN CLOSER to that man due to the Vasopressin while he thinks less of you since the Madonna/Whore complex is VERY REAL and culturally engrained in many men. He may claim he will "never think less of you" but I guarantee he will. There are many other postings and examples on FDS that can attest to this.

As for the breakdown with the man I mentioned in my previous post, I will save that shitstorm for another time, but some red flags leading up to the breakup included the following sexual items:

  • Him "joking" that I was "so wet he was worried that he would put it in the wrong hole." I stopped sex in that moment and he was upset that I held a consequence which was one of the first SIGNIFICANT RED FLAGS I wrote down
  • Him trying to "tease my asshole" in an attempt to "change my mind" with his finger and me having to tell him that I was uncomfortable with him going near that area after we had consistent sex at 6 months
  • Him refusing to have spontaneous sex or refusal to go down on me UNLESS I immediately showered before sex. I shower every day and am a fan for freshening up at times for a sex session, however, if he feel entitled to spontaneous oral sex but throws a mantrum when you ask him to do the same fucking thing...RUN!

Take no shit from men. They aren't worth it 98% of the time and it also comes with great cost to your inner peace, mental health, financial wellbeing, etc.

Now that I am formally out of this shithead's house, I am now living back at home in my early 30's at my parents house--my epitome of a second adolescence. With this said, it's better to be alone (or with a roommate, friend, or living at a family/member's house) than being with a LVM leech that feel entitled to all your gifts but makes you feel alone--if this is your case, they are hardcore projecting what little they bring to your life by trying to make you feel inferior so stay woke and put yourself #1 ALWAYS!