I really thought he was different.

We were close friends in elementary school, and reconnected as adults. I noticed recently when we spend time together he spends a lot of his “idle time” watching Tik Tok videos. He wasn’t like this when we first got together.

This morning I decided to go look at his Tik Tok profile, with an anonymous account. I started looking through the list of people he follows. More than half of them are young women. Some as young as 18,19, 20, 21, dancing around in lingerie, revealing costumes, bikinis, etc.

The man who was sending me sweet messages, telling me I’m the most beautiful woman in the world, that he loves me so much, that he misses me, that he’ll do anything for me, support me, etc.

He claims he doesn’t watch porn. Claims he has never been on the website OnlyFans. Meanwhile, he follows HUNDREDS of these girls who post borderline sexualized content (it’s not difficult to observe it’s made for the male gaze).

I am shocked. I thought he was different. I thought I got lucky. He’s in his late 20’s, following HUNDREDS of girls between the ages of 18 to 22, some mid 20’s, but even still... I feel like I stumbled into his secret porn stash or something. I feel gross, nauseous, sick to my stomach.

A month ago I was going to move out of state to live with him. I decided against it because of FDS and instead stayed in my city.

The filth that he watches... No wonder he’s addicted to Tik Tok. I had looked through his Instagram, and thought it was clean, looked through the list of people he was following. No “porny ig models, not one. I felt relieved, then I find this.

My chest hurts, I want to cry, I want let it all out, but all I feel is numb coldness. He is just like all the others. He is not exceptional.

I don’t know what to do.

Please FDS sisters, give me some guidance. I don’t know what to say, what to do, any of it. I feel numb and defeated. We just recently formally announced our relationship online, to our respective communities of people.

Am I overreacting? Do I bother saying anything? Is it worth me talking to him about it? Should I just cut my losses and move on?

My heart hurts, I can’t think clearly.