You. Cannot. Change. Men.

whenthingsconsidered · 2021-01-12T06:03:51+00:00

👏👏👏👏👏👏👏

So well said. I want to frame this writing. I also noticed lately there have been a lot of newcomers to the sub, asking for man advice when they didn’t even cut the trash off. So important and never enough to emphasize, we cannot change anyone but ourselves. That applies to our relationship with men and other women too. Lvm CHOSE not to change for their women. If he were redeemable, he wouldn’t have hurt you in the first place.

ASeaOfQuotes · 2021-01-12T06:21:22+00:00

I agree with this wholeheartedly! One thing I’d like to remind everyone of is change is not the same as growth. Change is fundamentally shifting an entire state of being, it can be as drastic as night and day, which is why it is so unlikely without a traumatic event. Men who are abusive stay abusive, men who are dangerous stay dangerous, these are attributes they just learn to hide better, or shift from action to thought, but it still exists because this is a part of who they are; the violence, the misogyny, the belief that they are better than others, the cynicism and thought that the world owes them. That is who they are.

Growth is about shifting into something you were already familiar with, it’s like dawn becoming afternoon. If you treat others with empathy, respect, and kindness, it becomes easy to realize when your actions have caused friction and then to learn and grow accordingly. This is like a man saying something naive, without ill intent, then realizing it wasn’t appropriate and learning from the response of others.

Genuine apologies are signs of growth. Denial is a sign that “change” will have to be forced or be done with reluctance or regret.

“I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. I didn’t realize how hurtful that joke could be.” VS “I’m sorry, I guess you just didn’t get the joke. I don’t know, my friends all thought it was funny, but whatever. Guess I should just stop making jokes around you.”

WingLate · 2021-01-12T06:27:04+00:00

The man who strung me along in a situationship for five months before finally agreeing to the bf/gf thing, the same man who raped me five months after that and attempted to destroy evidence afterward, who makes 1/4 of my income, is addicted to crappy pay-to-play games, lives with roommates in his 30s, has a sex with sleeping/dead person fetish, said he could see himself murdering me because I said I loved him in spite of his imperfections (he didn’t like that he had imperfections), can’t bring himself to say “I love you” to either of his parents...

Quickly got into a cozy pandemic relationship immediately after we broke up.

Did he change? Was it his dream girl? Was I just not good enough?

Nope.

That girl is with a literal rapist.

Core values of what’s right and wrong rarely change. God help whoever he’s with.

So glad to see this post. The whole “he’ll change for his dream girl” is a lie that creates pickmeishas. He’ll change for no one. Or maybe he’ll fake it in a half-assed way until wifey pickmeisha gets cancer and he leaves her.

Fun_Sherbet · 2021-01-12T06:28:21+00:00

Would you be fine with them if they stayed exactly as they are now, without ever changing?

Their health, maturity, finances? How they treat you?

If the answer is no, the man is a no.

Repulsive-Ad1092 · 2021-01-12T13:02:43+00:00

In the rare cases that they change: NVM/LVM to feminist/ally: they just want sex and attention. They pretend to care so that women lower their guards and open up to them. Bad men dont change their values, they learn how to build better masks.

Seriously, the cases where a guy with a dirty room and 0 hygiene changes to a clean and decent man is because they marry a woman who becomes their second mom and is always taking care of him. Thanks to FDS we learn to not lower standards and not acting like their nurse ✨

2021-01-12T06:56:44+00:00

[deleted]

luvmyvulvaxoxo · 2021-01-12T15:19:37+00:00

I think women think men can change “for the better” because so many of them change once you trust them. Every single guy I’ve dated has acted like a specific man in the beginning and changed.

Yeah_hey_kittycat · 2021-01-12T09:59:41+00:00

FUCK YESSSSS!!!!! 👏👏👏🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻

chateauduchat · 2021-01-12T15:18:57+00:00

This is exactly why we ladies DO NOT DATE POTENTIAL! Do not believe words, believe actions.

Title	You. Cannot. Change. Men.
Author	LocationCritical8937
Upvotes	288
Comments	20
Date	January 12, 2021 4:03 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/kvjw6p/you_cannot_change_men/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/you-cannot-change-men.748326 https://theredarchive.com/post/748326

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