Round Two, FIGHT!

Alphaemote · 2014-12-17T14:09:06+00:00

Weaponised sex the last round. Weaponised Child this time. You did amazing last time. You just go ahead and do it again. IMO your response is the same as last time, - defer attention and call her on it when she blows. She made a promise to her mother (to get the feels for herself) then tries to fill that promise with your effort like you are an employee. Edit: Long time lurker and I think that this is my first post here.

ecofriendlythrowaway · 2014-12-17T14:27:40+00:00

[permanently deleted]

strategos_autokrator · 2014-12-17T15:16:16+00:00

This is normal at the beginning. You are trying to change things, and change is hard. She will use any opportunity to try to push back. Interpret this as she trying to understand if these changes are real or not.

The stupid drama about your MiL's bag is that she made a commitment on your behalf without asking you first. It is hard to unravel, but focus on how the problem is that she didn't ask you first nicely, she just assumed.

A problem I had a lot with my wife was similar to this. The bottom line is that she needs me to reschedule something, she has to ask me BEFORE she makes the plans and commitments. (There are exceptions: emergencies or work pressures that can't be changed). I'm flexible, but I'm not going to let her manage my schedule. That is my posture now, and it is perfectly reasonable.

I have two nights a week where she stays home with our son and go to the gym or do stuff on my own. She also has two nights for herself to go to yoga and do her stuff. But often "emergencies" would come up on my nights. This was always that she "forgot to mention" how she has to get her nails done, or her hair cut, or to go to the dentist on my nights. She tells me the night before or the day off, asking me to cancel my gym plans. I always did, because it sounded important, I felt bad for making her cancel. She would invariable promise to give me some of her days to myself in the future, but this was *always forgotten. I had so much resentment to her for this.

The problem was me. I was giving her my time, so she started to think of it as her time. So once I said NO. She got SO angry, because it would take her weeks to reschedule the hairdresser. I said I understood that, and it was unfortunate, that this wasn't an emergency, so I wasn't going to stop doing my things. She could schedule this for her night. She reacted instinctively "But those are my yoga nights". I didn't say anything, I let it hang in the air. There was no need for me to fight to explain that my nights had as much importance to me than her nights to her. I've use too many words too many times, and got nowhere. So from now on, action.

The next week, the same issue happened again, now about a dentist appointment on my night. I said "NO" and didn't explain anymore. This was my night, she knew it, I didn't have to explain it anymore. The next week it happened again. "No". And Again. "No" I was consistent. It took 5 weeks straight of her testing this and me staying strong (and she having to reschedule her appointments). Until finally she stopped. Well, not forever. One week I was sick with a bad cold, so I stayed home on my nights and didn't go to the gym. Next week she told me about an emergency hair appointment she had, on my night. I thought it was HILARIOUS inside. But I only said "No". She stomped a bit as she walked away.

I suggest you also reframe the problem: She will claim it is that you aren't willing to help MiL. But for you it is that they have to ask before they assume you can help. Not because it is the courteous thing to do, or whatever, but because this is what you will do. And when they ask, you will gladly consider their request, and might be more happy to do them the favor. Be consistent. She will test this over and over. The more consistent you are, the quicker she will learn.

StingrayVC · 2014-12-17T14:41:00+00:00

Your wife is simply trying to maintain a semblance of control. For how long did she have it? Now she is losing it and has no idea whether or not she can now count on her husband who is now trying to wrestle it from her. She HAS to test you. She needs to know whether or not she can count on you and trust you.

But you don't even trust yourself yet. Your wife cannot trust a man that cannot trust himself.

EDIT: After proofreading. Grammar.

BluepillProfessor · 2014-12-18T02:45:00+00:00

Hmmm, this was a clear compliance test to show that she is still in control and your response was textbook red pill Alpha.

However....I can't understand why there has to be a big shindig over 5 minutes of work. As the man it is easier for you to carry (heavy) items down the stairs. If my wife is being sweet and submissive (and keeping me drained) I am happy to perform little acts of service like this.

Review this on Comfort Tests and keep in mind this is from the Chateau Heartiste, the bad ass PUA's of the sphere.

newlifeasredpill · 2014-12-17T14:19:01+00:00

Oh man...your wife is really testing the new paradigm.

Its a shit test.

She wanted to see if you would comply with her request to carry bags and you didnt.... PASS! Handled like a boss

She made it about respecting elders and being appreciative but that isnt the REAL issue. She doesn't like that you are not her bitch slave.

Keep holding frame. She cracked last time and will do so again quickly. Do not discuss the mother in law or bags as that is what she wants.

UEMcGill · 2014-12-17T17:33:03+00:00

Little things aside I think you handled this pretty well.

Here's what I see your wife did, so that you can address it in the future. This is a lesson from When I Say No I Feel Guilty.

Well, baller, will you bring down those bags for my mom?" "No, I'm playing with Daughter before she goes to sleep." [Good response, she asked, you have the right to say no]

"What do you mean you won't bring down the bags?" "You told your mom you'd bring them down. I'm playing with Daughter, who I haven't seen all day (shouldn't have explained myself). You can bring them down." [BROKEN RECORD, perfectly fine response] "You're really not going to help." [Here she tries to engage you to feel guilty] "I'm playing with Daughter. You can take them down as you agreed to." [BROKEN RECORD]

"I can't believe you. My mom asks for one little thing (she didn't ask, Wife did.), and you can't do it? After all that she does for us?" (Exactly the reason I don't like when my in-laws do things for me) [Again trying to make you feel guilty]

"Wife, if you continue speaking to me like this, you'll never get your way." [I would reword this for the future, to an I-Statement "If you continue to speak to me like this, I will not engage with you" "Fine."

So in general there's nothing you did wrong. She was the one who was judging your actions; only you can do that. Top it off, yes it was arbitrary rules, because she volunteered not you.

One thing you can add in the future to the statement below: "I can't believe you. My mom asks for one little thing (she didn't ask, Wife did.), and you can't do it? After all that she does for us?"

"You know you're right hun, I can see how she'd feel that way [FOGGING]. So if your mom has a problem with me, she can address it at any time"

phoenix_md · 2014-12-18T00:47:52+00:00

Eco, congratulations on your bonus! You worked hard, improved your company, improved yourself, and were recognized for your hard work in one of the best, most verifiable, ways possible: cold hard cash. Enjoy yourself at the black tie event. Be a stud and social king and your wife will be dripping for you by the time you get home.

High five!

jacktenofhearts · 2014-12-18T00:52:29+00:00

Been following your saga. Definitely keep posting, it gives me a lot of things to chew on for my own marriage.

So as other people have indicated, this will probably be a lot bumpier than before. Last time she got hung up on needing you to apologize for not thanking her for something you didn't ask her to do (cleaning your cup). This time, the hamster's going to have a lot more fuel for ideas that you're "inconsiderate" and "selfish." So it may be awhile before it tires itself out.

I think you already know that you have the high ground here. This is ultimately about bringing some bags downstairs. The fact that she's so emotionally aggrieved over this is ridiculous. So she'll have to keep assigning some greater grievance to this. You sound like you already know how to deflect this. I'd suggest something like: "I won't talk about it until you apologize for grabbing my daughter from me. Otherwise there's no point in any discussion, because you've proven you can't discuss anything without emotional blackmail when I don't agree with you."

Just like with "weaponized sex," this is what you need to keep reinforcing. She can't "trump" arguments with emotional blackmail. Instead of getting her way, you need to make it very clear it basically forfeits any ground she may ever try to take in an argument.

Question for all the other Redditors here, though...

Is there a Red Pill Woman way the OP's wife could have made that request?
What if you have a relationship dynamic where "lifting stuff" is considered "man's work"? My wife basically gets all the groceries and does all the cooking. But in turn, it is expected that I help her bring in said groceries, especially if she's gone to Costco and gotten huge boxes of water or whatever.

exbp · 2014-12-18T05:30:36+00:00

I love this post. So much of my wife here, especially the volunteering you for some duty and the railing against loss of power. You see here how the emotional frame they carry can override logic and even evolution (risk to child to try to keep some power). This is the same "logic" I've seen spilt up good couples, lead to cheating, etc.

Great report and great job keeping your cool & focus throughout.

whinemoreplease · 2014-12-18T05:32:18+00:00

"I just can't believe you would treat my mom like that. You don't think of anyone but yourself. You should've volunteered to help her. I'm so hurt right now. Frankly, you should be embarrassed about how you just acted."

I would've corrected her at this point. "1) I didn't treat your mother in any way. If anything, I treated you that way. 2) You offered to take her bags. If you didn't want to take her bags, don't offer me."

Why put up with bad behavior?

Imo, you handled this poorly because you let it go on way longer than it should.

"Well, baller, will you bring down those bags for my mom?

"No, I'm playing with Daughter before she goes to sleep."

You buy into her frame here. But you know what, you've probably been a pushover for a long time. Shift in personalities are jarring.

Title	Round Two, FIGHT!
Author	ecofriendlythrowaway
Upvotes	8
Comments	48
Date	December 17, 2014 1:41 PM UTC (11 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MarriedRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/2pkptf/round_two_fight/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MarriedRedPill/round-two-fight.202799 https://theredarchive.com/post/202799

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