"You Never Apologize!"

strategos_autokrator · 2015-03-20T15:23:38+00:00

She wants apologies for serious moral transgressions such as the house not being tidy to her specifications and failing to mind-read what her needs are.

She is acting as the judge of you. Don't fall for that.

"The table's cluttered. I had a long day., etc." I say "yeah, it was busy here, running the kids to sports, ect."

You explained yourself. Don't do that. Ignore her completely. If she wants you to clean the table, she has to ask like a polite adult. If not, well, there is nothing you have to consider if you want to do because she didn't ask for it. Let her hamster spin. She is just in a bad mood trying to take it on you. For this stuff, I use agree and amplify.

So this morning she emails me some Psychology Today article about people who never apologize having a "weak sense of self", etc.

This is just an attack. Ignore. Act as if you didn't learn anything from it nor looked at it.

The thing is she wants you to manage her emotions (fix her mood). She is accusing you of stuff to see if by you feeling bad for your performance you bow down so she feels powerful and good. Dont' buy into that crap, it is immature stuff she is doing.

Your internal monologue is that you take responsibility for what you think you did wrong. Clearly she has a bad day and wants to take it on you by telling you did something wrong. You thought about it, and decided that a cluttered table isn't something wrong for your standards. So, that is all. Her judgement doesn't affect you at all because she didn't convinced you. She can still be angry, let her be angry.

Even say "Hey, if you want to be angry because the table is cluttered, I respect that." with the unspoken message: if you want to do something about it, you can clean the table. But if you just want to be angry at me, well, you don't need to blame the cluttered table. Also, her frame is her wanting apologies, your frame is getting shit done, so if you want to, clean the table, but never do it out of fear of her.

Never apologize for something you don't think you did wrong. It is dishonest, and just bucking to make her feel powerful. Stay strong with the message that if she is mean, well, you are unmoved. If she wants something from you, she has to ask nicely. That is your frame of what is reasonable for you, and you enforce it with actions, not words.

With that said, if you know you fucked up, don't be a dick to protect your weak ego. It makes you look weak. I wrote a post just about apologies here. It has one part about how men apologize. Hint: You just own your shit and take responsibility, but nothing more.

denmaur · 2015-03-20T18:10:13+00:00

So you're helping her raise her 5 kids and she's complaining that after running her kids around, you didn't fix dinner?

BluepillProfessor · 2015-03-20T15:50:09+00:00

"You never apologize."

"Sorry."

Countpudyoola · 2015-03-20T18:58:21+00:00

Her: "You never (fill in the blank)"

You "And?"

"Woooo that's rough."

"What a jerk!" smile

"Good thing I'm devastatingly handsome/got these guns (kiss biceps)/so well endowed (grab own junk, helps if it's true)."

"Geez, why are you and my other girlfriends all ganging up on me this week?"

"Such murder I get away with."

"How do you sleep at night?"

"Explains all those hitmen coming after me."

"And that, your honor, is what she said to me right before I got hit with frying pan."

she emails me some Psychology Today article

I would have emailed her back an article about "how to please your man" go do a google search, there's hundreds. Or "Oh wills, that reminds me to rewrite mine".

Or sometimes appropriate for any occasion images

Or always appropriate: delete without reply.

exbp · 2015-03-20T16:13:37+00:00

"Wow, you have time to read articles?"

LifeChoiceReflector · 2015-03-20T15:14:05+00:00

I'd suggest you not respond to it, and if she brings it up in person, smile and say, "of course I do have a weak sense of self. In fact, my self is on life support now. I suppose yours should be about as strong as hercules now (this might also sound passive aggressive, so you can replace this with some witty line like 'a little mouth to mouth should revive it', and take her in a bear hug and kiss her)." Follow that up with a shit eating grin. If my wife did this, I would also slap her on her ass playfully.

Dev_on · 2015-03-20T15:33:04+00:00

I get it on occasion. I say OK so she can get some validation, but thats it.

you never apologize...

OK. I understand.

And if she gets any worse than that, I look at her like a 4 year old. She will get amused mastery when she's not bringing me entry level BS

whinemoreplease · 2015-03-20T19:01:43+00:00

To even acknowledge this conversation is to buy into her frame. What's your frame for this conversation?

NotABibleScholar · 2015-03-20T15:56:30+00:00

I get told I never apologize frequently. Its not true, its a judgment on her part, you need to self examine to see if she has a valid point. If you can see where an apology was warranted and you missed, apologize. However, know this... To a woman an apology after she has had to ask for is never really accepted, except perhaps in a comfort test. So, apologize on your terms, not hers.

SorcererKing · 2015-03-20T18:34:04+00:00

I used to feel bad that my wife would have such bad days at work when I would have such comparatively good days. I would feel guilty and try to make her feel better. Boy, what a mistake.

What she really needed was just what she gets now. "Wow that really sucks! What a bunch of morons!" That's it. I never let it go more than 10 or 15 minutes; some guys will say give her 20 or 30 mins, but I get bored easily. But shut that shit down with a nice kiss on the forehead and a "I have full confidence that you'll figure it out." If she doesn't get the hint then walk away.

The Psych today article is a frame attack, yes, an attempt to shame you into compliance. I'd ignore it, and if it gets brought up say, "Yeah, didn't read it. Psych Today is the National Inquirer of psychology so I don't put much stock in what they say." No discussion, no argument. You're not obligated to read what she sends or feel bad that you didn't.

Once you practice this frame she'll figure out the tactic doesn't get the emotional response she wants and give up.

ufd · 2015-03-20T19:40:35+00:00

I was thinking about this earlier in the week.

I do it because I value order, not to please her.

When we do housework, or some other domestic chore for the good of the household, or for the our own sanity, we're doing it from a place where we are not seeking approval.

When we do chores seeking approval from our spouse, we've developed a Covert Contract, looking for some sort of reward, or worse, look at our wife as a surrogate mother/parent, always looking for approval and validation for being a "Good Boy".

As for responses to this Shit Test, ignore it, it's a completely unrealistic expectation on her part, keep doing what needs to get done for the good of the household, you definitely do not need to "justify myself to her".

feminazis_stalk_me · 2015-03-20T22:28:22+00:00

You did good. Don't argue with women - especially when they're itching for a fight or poking the bear. Women are kung-fu masters of arguing, and when you participate, you're stepping into her dojo. She doesn't need "logic" to kick your ass, and she sure as hell won't fight fair or stick to the rules - it will be below-the-belt hits to your man-peaches and there's no referee to pull her off of you. You can't fight her "feelz" with your "realz" (logic), so side step them, as you did here, or deal with her in another way that doesn't include rewarding her shitty behavior with your time and effort.

Arm yourself with knowledge on shit tests and learn when and when not to engage, and which techniques work best for you. You're doing good so far.

theultmatecad · 2015-03-21T00:30:19+00:00

Feel free to completely ignore the article (you have my blessing). If she brings it up then tell her it must have gone to the trash....where it belongs.

Next time she comes home to a busy household complaining about the things you DIDN'T do..just ignore and tell her you won't be home at all the next night.

Then go out and turn off phone for at least three hours.

Rinse and repeat til she gets the message.

She will quickly catch on. Women are masters of covert communication and they deeply respect and will submit to a masculine frame if you are dominant.

phoenix_md · 2015-03-21T11:54:35+00:00

Does your wife ever volunteer an apology? If not then she still believes she is the captain. Therefore she will RARELY offer an apology. Women captains are more understanding than men captains as it comes to the power dynamic that leaders don't apologize to those they lead.

"My wife never apologizes" is a hallmark of a beta marriage. If you're wondering if your friend's marriage is beta or alpha, just bring up the subject. If they start lamenting how their wife is totally blind to any of her faults and never apologizes when she obviously is at fault, despite his willingness to apologize for his own missteps, then you have your answer.

Redneck001 · 2015-03-21T16:03:56+00:00

When I fuck up now, I never apologize. Forgot where I read it, but I get to give two more apologies for the rest of my life. Make'em count.

My default is "I accept responsibility" for my fuck ups.

people who never apologize having a "weak sense of self"

"Weak sense of self?" As long as I'm getting laid well and often, I can live with that.

Title	"You Never Apologize!"
Author	RedPill808
Upvotes	11
Comments	28
Date	March 20, 2015 3:03 PM UTC (11 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MarriedRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/2zpeww/you_never_apologize/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MarriedRedPill/you-never-apologize.202316 https://theredarchive.com/post/202316

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