This is a delicate subject to discuss, but it has been bothering me. I am concerned about what appears to be a widespread movement to pathologize completely normal, (though not admirable), behavior as abuse. This is primarily directed towards men. Now abuse is never acceptable of course, and efforts to educate people on characteristic behaviors of abusers is likely a good thing. However, instead of defining abusers as people who consistently and forcefully engage in these behaviors, it seems to have now become some kind of "never never" check list. This is simply unreasonable because people are not perfect. So let's consider an example which I am not linking so I don't get banned:

My boyfriend recently broke up with me, and I am beginning to do a lot of thinking about it now that I have had to face the reality of the situation. After being together nearly a year, I'm starting to wonder if he was actually emotionally abusive.

Ok, some people don't realize they are in an abusive relationship. However, there is an awful lot of Monday morning quarterbacking posts like this on reddit. Look, I get it, breaking up is hard. I just don't think the first "go to" thought after a break up should be, "Was he abusive?" But, whatever, let's go read the check list and find out.

He never said he loved me once, even after almost an entire year.

Denies love and affection. Check. Or you know, maybe he wasn't in love with her after less than a year.

I gave this guy my virginity, mind you, something that was not an easy decision to come to, and something I will struggle with for some time now. Realistically, I know it is partially my own fault for being the mess I currently am...because I changed a lot of who I was to try and make this guy love me. I did so many of the things I chastised friends before not to do, and I accept that for what it is.

Controls your behaviors. Check. Wait a minute, she made voluntary changes to "make this guy love me" and that's his fault?

But...several friends have pointed out that he made me change in a negative light...and I just wanted some thoughts on this.

Ah yes, advice from friends that he was bad for her. Check. Wait a minute, why do only her friends after the break up get to arbitrate the relationship? What do his friends think?

He often held past arguments over my head, even though the point of arguing and talking through problems was to let them go.

Badgering and accusing behavior. Check. Or maybe he just has crappy conflict negotiation skills.

He said I do not have what he is looking for in a girl...and it just leaves me feeling so confused because I gave him so much.

Emotionally abusive. Check. Or maybe just honest?

Being emotional was something he didn't like...so I tried to be less emotional.

Negates your feelings. Check. Or maybe he wanted her to act like a mature adult instead of a drama queen?

I tried to ignore things he would say or do that would normally strike a negative chord in me.

Have to tolerate crap? Check. Or maybe rational adults in relationships learn not to sweat the small stuff?

I didn't bother arguing too much with him anymore about the fact he refused to go out with my best friend when she was home from school, even though there would be other people there he could talk to.

Isolates from friends. Check. Wait a minute, why does he have to like her best friend?

Other typical examples are complaints that he was jealous, wanted sex when she didn't, or didn't want sex when she did, wanted to spend money on his stuff, sometimes got drunk, would get angry and shout, was sometimes impulsive, remembered conflicts differently than she did, would want to know where she was and who she was with, etc, etc, etc.

All of a sudden this is all now gas lighting and controlling behavior and financial abuse and substance abuse and anger management problems and sexual abuse and stalking and well, what do you know? He was a damn domestic abuser! It's amazing she got out alive, and thank God she did, because these guys only get worse. /sarcasm That's the other gospel. These guys only get worse. There's not a chance in hell that he is just young and dumb and full of... Well, you get the idea. Not a chance in hell that he might just need to learn how to handle romantic relationships in a more mature manner and there is every reason to believe this will occur. Nope, even if he is only 17 years old, he is supposed to spring from the earth fully grown and mature and be a perfect boyfriend. Otherwise, he is an abuser.

There is something very wrong about this. Real abuse is bad always. But when we start routinely morphing perfectly typical bad relationships, (cause, duh, there was a reason they broke up), into automatic abusive relationships based on random check lists, there is a problem.