Grieving Father: The taboo topic

Unnecessary_Timeline · 2022-11-30T05:54:46+00:00

You’re not alone. I’ve never been in your position so all I can do is point you to things that I hope might help.

It’s Time to Talk Aboit Men and Miscarrage

WARNING: song that will probably make you feel not good - Idles - June

Men’s mental health after miscarriage from perspective of the woman

I’d also encourage you to ask r/Daddit if they have any suggestions of places men experiencing miscarriage might find support.

Waratah888 · 2022-11-30T06:25:31+00:00

Speechless mate. In tears though.

My sympathy to you both.

Valzemodeus · 2022-11-30T08:42:33+00:00

A friend of mine was talking one night at work, and he let slip that his ex had an abortion. I had never really put a second thought towards the matter of how a guy might feel about it, but as he talked about it his gaze was a million miles away and he sort of trailed off as he mentioned that he'd wished she'd have kept the child and given it to him.

It may not have been inside of him, but it was still a part of him. I can imagine that upon first finding out he might have been struck with countless expectations. Little fantasies about fatherhood.

And then in the blink of an eye, he had to let it all go.

I think that, in a way, the look on his face was probably a distant echo of what you are likely going through.

I'm sorry.

Yung4Yrs · 2022-11-30T06:29:42+00:00

I lost my son-in-law when my daughter was 24. I'm very happily married to a woman who was a widow 10 years when I married her. The truth is it's not possible to live in this world without our measure of tragedy. Please do know that there are many who do care. Please number me among them. I can't explain all that happens. But I can stand with those who genuinely do care. Men do hurt. Some a lot. I know because I have. My heart goes out to you dad. Your daughters will be the better for having had you for their dad.

Main-Tiger8593 · 2022-11-30T10:54:57+00:00

your post should have +1k upvotes if we are serious about mens rights!

my condolences

arrouk · 2022-11-30T11:11:04+00:00

Fuck dude, I'm not sure I'm strong enough to deal with that once, let alone twice.

I know I'm just some random on the Internet but my in box is always open and I will listen to how you are doing.

I hope you get the suport you need in person closer to home but don't feel that you should deal with this alone.

Sweddybob69 · 2022-11-30T11:35:19+00:00

I genuinely feel for you. I have similar feelings about my wife losing one of our twins halfway through the pregnancy. I never got asked how I was coping, not once.

nokappa1 · 2022-11-30T12:06:32+00:00

Even if it reaches one person it will be worth it.

Adding to your point here:

I don’t know why it hurts so much, and why no one talks about the fathers side of this traumatic event.

Is it really just this? From my understanding people don't ask how dads cope with newborns as well, yet they seem to be calling everyone who lets the mother do her fair share of work "deadbeat dad". Seeing you have kids, you should know what I'm referring to.

At some point we just have to accept that men will never have sufficient emotional support in live, and it's on us to develop further coping mechanisms to deal with that alone, all while having to be the rock for your wife/kids/whatever.

Anyway back on topic, how could we help you?

TalentedObserver · 2022-11-30T19:35:08+00:00

Take comfort in your wife wanting to build a family with you in good faith. Take comfort in your daughters. Take comfort in your role as father to them.

rosby30 · 2022-11-30T06:29:14+00:00

I am so sorry for your loss.

BalloonPilotDude · 2022-11-30T18:08:38+00:00

We too had a miscarriage before our first child was borne. It was much earlier than yours, six-eight weeks. My wife was, of course, devastated but it also took me very off guard how much grief I experienced. We had been trying and invested in having a child and to loose our little one even before we could meet them was very hard.

No one from my family, most of my coworkers or friends, really asked or (most likely) thought I had any trouble with it. Or if they did no one ever said anything or asked how I was. I think the only person who has ever actively asked was after one of my bosses asked asked how my wife was and, likely, observed I was tearing up talking about it.

We talked a bit and about it but it’s not something most men feel comfortable deeply discussing even if we care or want to offer support.

After that I did talk about it with friends and family and have brought it up to others online before. I actively raised it as a topic when talking about kids and pregnancy and family life.

I have felt like it’s an active effort that I want to do; not only to offer other fathers support but to alert people that men feel this loss too. We are hurting. We have to be strong and supportive but we need some help too at times. And yes, we want our wife supported and want to help offer her all the help we can but we too need a hand at times and love our children, born and unborn, as well.

That’s also the point at which I started having lots of issues with my previous ‘neutral’ position on abortion. It’s hard to claim an unborn child is not alive when you have children and are actively involved seeing pregnancy and childbirth. They carry over traits and habits observable in utero. You can see how they sleep, how they move, how they hiccup and facial features. I don’t see how so many women with kids can ignore that and actively work against it.

Farscape666 · 2022-11-30T20:41:49+00:00

I’m so sorry, my heart goes out to you. If you want to reach out to me, feel free, my first son passed away at 6 months, I know exactly how you feel.

CawlinAlcarz · 2022-11-30T21:11:20+00:00

First off, I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through this. I can't even imagine your grief.

Second, you're not wrong in that nobody considers your feelings on this matter, but I say "fuck them".

I think you should go and see a mental health therapist who specializes in grief, and you should see them on your own. Your wife should see one on her own too - preferably a different one than you are going to.

If you go as a couple to this grief counseling, you run the very real risk of not having any focus on your own grief, and while your wife needs help, so do you. You need to go and get it.

Some friends of mine lost a child recently, and each parent is seeing a separate counselor, and eventually, they'll see one together as a couple. This was my wife's advice to them (my wife is a licensed clinical mental health counselor who cannot see them professionally for ethical reasons because they are friends of ours) specifically to see separate counselors.

BOTH you and your wife need a safe space with a counselor to work on your own individual grief, without any sort of pressure or input from the other while in that safe space. This is not an indictment of you and your wife as a couple - it's making sure that you both get the therapy that you both need. No two people grieve the same, no two people have the same issues in moments like this, so both people need to get the individual treatment and therapy that they need. If you both were in a car wreck and you broke your arm and she broke her leg, they wouldn't treat only one of you, right? They wouldn't give you both the same treatment for your different injuries, right? The same applies to the grief counseling you both need.

It may not be super easy to find a therapist that will address your grief in an appropriate way, here are a couple things to look out for when looking for therapists.

Red flags to watch out for with your counselor:

1) If they want to see you as a couple, rather than on your own.

2) If they spend more time reminding you to comfort your wife than helping you specifically through your own grief.

3) If they say anything like "Well imagine how your wife feels right now, at least you're not going through THAT!"

MusicalMerlin1973 · 2022-12-01T02:21:04+00:00

I’m so sorry you and your wife are going through that.

We have the right to feel care. We have the right to be shattered.

That’s far enough along to have seen something if the ultrasound. I’d be gutted too. It was bad enough for us at 6 weeks with a clear the lights were on but nobody was home. I was more disappointed than entering when that happened. But if we’d gotten to toe stage, I’d have been gutted.

Thank you for the reminder: we’ve got to look out for each other and ask.

So: how are you doing?

NouveauQubecois · 2022-12-01T16:29:21+00:00

Talking about this from the other side. Lost my father not to long ago; and people are all like "you and your brother need to be strong for your mother". Like we don't matter; only Mom does.

Anyway so so sorry to hear about what you've been through. Men really are not allowed to show emotions in our messed up society; only women can feel. Men must just exist and work and provide

Complicated_Animal · 2022-11-30T11:58:36+00:00

Jesus, Brother, I am so sorry! I don't know how I would hold it together after experiencing something like that. Twice! My heart goes out to you and your wife.

The ugly truth is that humans are just not set up to deal with men's emotional pain. You can be pissed off or happy and people will know how to absorb it. Anything else, and they don't know what to do with it. I have seen groups of men, who have been good friends for years, look away embarrassed when one of their buddies breaks down in tears. Women are a little better in the those same circumstances., but not by much. The only time I have seen men comforting other distraught men, is (oddly enough) in the military. There's just something about that brotherhood that I haven't seen anywhere else.

I haven't been through what you have been through, but I have been that utterly destroyed man at least once. I hope and pray that you are able to find better support than I did.

Good luck, Buddy. I'm praying for you!

Formal_Cauliflower94 · 2022-11-30T21:15:21+00:00

Thank you all for sending your support. 16+ hrs ago I posted this and just now looked on my phone. Thank you. I wanted to reply to each of you and I also want to extend an idea. We should start a chat room. I don’t know on what. ( discord or something) but something we can use to help each other out. Also I want to update that my wife is back home from the hospital and she is doing remarkably well.

Typical_Age_4623 · 2022-11-30T21:22:13+00:00

Have you considered the possibility that people ask about her instead of you because she almost bled to death? I agree that the father's trauma shouldn't be ignored in these situations, but it makes sense that people focus primarily on the individual who actually experienced the miscarriage, and, as you said in your case, almost died. The trauma may or may not be equal for the father and mother, but the concern will and should be primarily on the one whose life was on the line. It just seems ignorant and selfish to say "what about me?" when the OTHER person nearly died in a horrific way.

Title	Grieving Father: The taboo topic
Author	Formal_Cauliflower94
Upvotes	115
Comments	46
Date	November 30, 2022 4:45 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MensRights
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/z8hlnu/grieving_father_the_taboo_topic/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MensRights/grieving-father-the-taboo-topic.1141317 https://theredarchive.com/post/1141317

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