I need help

peterman86 · 2023-01-01T17:41:28+00:00

Congratulations. Becoming a dad is one of life's greatest blessings. But I know not all is well.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this brother. I would suggest that you slot gather proof of the neglect/abuse that you're going through. The first choice would be to leave, but you have a newborn.

Do you go to church or practice any faith?

I looked around for centers in your location but I only found a Center in Stockholm, but it seems to be geared towards helping men who are rape victims. They might have a contact or can place you in the right path with the right group

I found a Center online that you can reach out to. It's run by a man named Sean Galla. Here's the link:

https://mensgroup.com/

I will look some more for places close to your location. Best of luck.

Maleficent-Life4799 · 2023-01-01T17:16:27+00:00

If Sweden has a domestic abuse agency for men, please contact them for help and advice.

ehWoc · 2023-01-01T18:02:18+00:00

This isn't really a case where you would get domestic abuse intervention, sadly.

You can try talking with her about couple therapy, ideally put it the way that you would like to resolve a communication issue. Say that "we have a problem" instead of "your behaviour is bad" otherwise she won't listen.

If nothing else, the therapist will at least observe yours and hers behaviour, and will be able to be on your side if you get into a fight for custody (which hopefully you won't).

Now, it's up to you if you want to save this relationship, or move on with your life. I understand it's very difficult because you have a baby now. I'm sorry that you're going through this.

LQG_Inanis · 2023-01-02T00:08:04+00:00

Firstly you shouldn't have had a kid with someone you don't really get along with, secondly you can't really do anything, she can buy not you.

georeddit2018 · 2023-01-01T19:52:12+00:00

Have a calm discussion about it with her and maybe couple counselling. It could be her hormones getting fucked up after birth.

bezm12 · 2023-01-01T22:47:18+00:00

Tell her dad.

pbj_sammichez · 2023-01-01T19:04:54+00:00

Sounds like my ex wife. She plays up every little thing she does, making a huge deal about it, and maximizing it's importance. At the same time she downplays and minimizes anything done by anyone else. This way she is always contributing an unfairly large amount and she is the victim. Nothing bad that happens to her is her fault - she is being treated unfairly!

Sound familiar? It took my ex wife 7 years to go from my best friend to the worst roommate I ever had, but man it got bad quickly in the last 2 years of it.

Don't raise your voice, ever. Stay calm and keep your wits about you. She will start verbally abusing you during arguments, if she hasnt already started. Thank god I didnt have kids - you have to be ready to defend your reputation, so start trying to get audio recordings of her abusive behavior and stop being her slave. Stand up for yourself and the child because motherhood isn't going to turn her into a good person, or even a functional adult. But be aware that you cannot give her any fuel to claim she is being abused because she will almost certainly cry wolf in order to screw you over.

Again, she sees herself as the victim, so being cruel to you is just "standing up to her oppressor" and she will have sympathy and support from everyone who hears her lies.

Don't yell. Try to get witnesses. My former neighbors are the only reason I didn't go to jail when my wife beat me then called the cops to have me arrested because I restrained her in self-defense.

Throwawaydhxj · 2023-01-02T11:32:50+00:00

Looks like this relationship is done. Get a good lawyer son.

shit-zen-giggles · 2023-01-01T17:08:02+00:00

Which country are you in/at?

Asking since it helps to find/pick the right org for you.

A_British_Villain · 2023-01-01T23:49:49+00:00

Move interstate, away from her parents.
Ignore her words and only assess her actions.
Stop simping. Argue with her and state directly what you are not happy about, including criticise her if necessary.
Earn more money, do less housework.

VisionarySeagull · 2023-01-02T01:15:49+00:00

I'm not going to say bad things about your S/O. She gave birth three weeks ago, and postpartum depression can be severe. Throw this onto the fact that the baby is waking up every 2-3 hours for feeding, that you're first-time parents, and that you're both quite young, and you have a recipe for a lot of arguing.

My wife and I had a wonderful relationship before we had our first, and for the next six months it was very hard. She absolutely flipped her lid after giving birth. It was a borderline mental health crisis.

First, do you have a good support system? You may be opposed to it, but having her mother and/or father stay with you for some time can be incredibly helpful. This is common in many parts of the world and while having a MIL stay over may sound like a nightmare, it sounds like both of you need help. Just food for thought.

This is probably a longshot, but if it's financially plausible, a night nanny might also be on the table. It doesn't have to be every night. Once a week would be absolutely fine. The value of a good night's sleep cannot be overstated here.

Can you take paternity leave? I know that Sweden is pretty good about that.

Like, a lot of the advice in this post is frankly horrible. People are telling you to stop "simping," to move, or to get rid of her. I legitimately wonder if any of those posters have children of their own. You don't need to go to war with your S/O; it's time to work together for your child.

EvidencePlz · 2023-01-02T00:42:48+00:00

This is gonna be a very controversial opinion/advice and I might be risking a lot of downvotes and highly likely a ban from Reddit but I'll just say it and see what happens. Strap on tight!

First of all I'm not gonna call them modern women. They are not modern. There's absolutely nothing modern about them. Let's call them "today's women".

The only thing today's women are good for when it comes to a relationship of an intimate kind where a man and woman are involved in a close, personal, intimate way is sexual activities. That's it. That's my Ted Talk. Game over. You can all go home now. Anything else and it quickly turns into a game of who can get more power over who.

Look at the evolution of pornography (VR and monitor) for example. When you watch porn, do you see women asking for emotional support and intelligence, romance, alimony, child support, gifts, choreplay, help with kids and their upbringing etc? Do you see them legally kidnapping your kids and taking them to a different country? Do you see them shouting at you cause you didn't take the trash out?

No you don't. Women, when they are engaged in sexual activities whether in real life when they are working as escorts or in porn, give men exactly what we want: sexual activities and enjoyment.

Anything else you ask from them and things slowly start to go south and descend on dangerous, uncontrollable territories. Of course we men are to blame for that, since it's unfortunately us who granted them this power and control over us. Women alone weren't able to achieve this. Look at modern day post-war Afghanistan for example. Where are all the strong independent feminist women fighting against the Taliban there? The US spent two trillion dollars but still couldn't establish feminism over there.

I can't help OP, but this is for all the young men out there thinking about getting into a serious, committed relationship, marriage, family children etc: DO NOT DO THIS. Now is not the time. Wait for the laws to change. You can thank me later all you want. Do not marry, cohabit, impregnate and get into emotional / romantic relationship with women. Do everything else (sex, friendship, working together etc), respect them and demand respect back and you will have a fabulous time I promise.

pappo4ever · 2023-01-02T00:44:11+00:00

But when her parents need help with anything she drives for 45 minutes and does it no problem.

I hate to break it to you, but she's not driving to see her parents. When women suddenly 'change' is when they cheat, because they cannot separate emotions from sex. I think you at least suspect this are are in denial.

DNA test the baby.

SamaelET · 2023-01-01T18:54:49+00:00

I think you need therapy counseling. It is not abuse yet but this is already starting to take a toll on your mental health.

Try to talk to her about it without pointing out that she is the problem. Tell her that you feel your relationship is going downward with the additional responsibility of having a kid and you want to talk about it is a healthy way to find solutions.

InternationalLaw7073 · 2023-01-01T19:23:49+00:00

Wait so when you want to leave, she leaves begrudgingly because she wants to spend time with her parents?

WiiWynn · 2023-01-02T00:20:34+00:00

I’m sorry bud… this is a tough one. But we’re only hearing your side to be fair. If it is what you say it is, my read is that you guys are really young. She’s also likely not matured and not self aware. But for this to work, either she’s going to have to mature really quickly and start working with you constructively, or you need to get the hell out of dodge.

If you don’t have any wealth, that’ll be easy. You’ll just be another daddy that never came back with the milk. But if you’ve got a career, it’ll be harder because she’ll go after your wallet. Either case, it’s best you cut things earlier rather than later if things aren’t salvageable. Only you can make that call. But every day you’re in this scenario, your mental health is eroding.

And sorry about the kid. But if you guys don’t have a healthy relationship, with or without you, that kids growing up damaged.

grizzlybear787 · 2023-01-02T09:05:06+00:00

Document whats happening. Name date location time and save messages. Maybe record conversations if you can do it privately AND its not illegal to do so where you are. That will be invaluable if this goes to court. Contempt is a huge red flag in a relationship suggesting future divorce.

That said- if i woke up tomorrow in your shoes id work on improving myself as much as possible. If you dont respect and take care of yourself - why would she?

AdvisorDefiant1982 · 2023-01-02T00:16:54+00:00

Damn, while I was reading I just imagined her. It’s hard because I can’t imagine her yelling wolf on me but I guess that’s just gaslighting or something, thanks for the help, I’ll start gathering evidence that I’m not hitting her or anything like that

DaBigVikin · 2023-01-02T00:54:46+00:00

First and foremost make sure the kid is yours mate. Better to be sure get a dna test and then go from their. Make a plan based on other advice commented on here. Hopefully the kid is yours if not then you don’t need to hold back when you walk away.

Standard-Broccoli107 · 2023-01-01T17:39:23+00:00

So this last year and a half has been turbulent? And you have a young child? Could it be a correlation there? That when you tried for a child you lost each other a bit?

Its easy to forget the contributions of the other party. Maybe have a talk about it? Maybe go to a councilor about it?

V1RL · 2023-01-02T01:01:00+00:00

I’ve been through some speed bumps that I feel I’m quite happy to made it through, we’ve been through some dark times and said and done some shitty things to each other. That said, my wife and I have never EVER used the kids are a tool of threat or control. Ever when we separated for a short period, we never even for a second used our kids to control the others emotional state. This trait of spite I carefully ensured my wife didn’t have before I proposed. I was always aware this can with a click of fingers, destroy a man. For any younger guys reading this, make sure spite is something that isn’t present - whatsoever. It will quite literally destroy a man when his kids are used as control. You lose every, fucking, time.

Now my only advice is you need to throughly talk about the impact of this exact point. It is so dangerous for men. Also I feel there is to much missing from this post to dive in deeper but I would just say that it’s a man’s job to look after mom during these earlier times. Sure you sound like you’re doing great, but there are many emotional changes my wife went through with our first, which gave me a few tools from, learning to do better with our second. Men really can’t do a lot beyond what you described, mom was the life giver and the baby needs (if applicable) the milk to survive. Focus on looking after her. Again I might be off here but it seems there is a lot missing.

Difficult_Ad_3234 · 2023-01-02T02:22:12+00:00

Practice makes perfect guaranteed!🎄✈️

ThatGIRLkimT · 2023-01-02T04:33:50+00:00

She shouldn't act like that,

eastbranch02 · 2023-01-02T04:58:41+00:00

I was in a situation like this. In my experience, there’s not a lot you can do right now. I’d say to go to marriage counseling to help with communication and getting through the next few years. I got divorced when my kids were three and six years old and it was OK. If counseling doesn’t help start planning your divorce. Wait until your kid is maybe 3-5 years old. You can’t live the rest of your life like this. Don’t have any more kids no matter how much she begs, threatens, or pushes. It’s really going to be OK, but you’ll need to be strategic about money, child custody, etc. Good luck bro.

LowlyLizzieBCG · 2023-01-02T06:24:36+00:00

I’d collect evidence like the others said and leave. I would cut my losses all together and leave. You’re not going to be any help to a child if your mental health is destroyed.

Frosty-Gate-8094 · 2023-01-02T07:17:42+00:00

This is not a domestic abuse scenario.. So you are unlikely to get legal help..

You can try counselling and other stuff to gets things in order..

I agree with others that you should take a DNA test to confirm paternity and then file for 50-50 custody...
Your domestic situation with your GF is unlikely to improve, but it can worsen much more...

Plan for separation and an amicable co-parenting plan.. One of you might have to pay child support depending on your incomes... Thats why better confirm with DNA test.

I bet you dont want to paying child support for baby not biologically yours. (There is a limited time window before you can revoke paternity. If baby gets older, you will be ordered to CS regardless of DNA results. So DO IT NOW!)

Damienslair · 2023-01-05T06:03:05+00:00

When I hear things like this it really encourages me to dissuade men from having kids. I feel like it is not worth it considering she can change her mind and ruin your life.

ROTL94 · 2023-01-06T02:32:17+00:00

If you're in the UK you can call CALM which is a service for men on 0800585858. They're pretty good. Used them in the past.

Title	I need help
Author	AdvisorDefiant1982
Upvotes	118
Comments	64
Date	January 1, 2023 4:51 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MensRights
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/100nm0p/i_need_help/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MensRights/i-need-help.1147669 https://theredarchive.com/post/1147669

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