Is my mom in the wrong?

Clarkey2814 · 2022-01-01T10:38:51+00:00

If your father wasn’t a danger to you, she had no right keeping you apart

Flashy_Glove6208 · 2022-01-01T13:18:38+00:00

She robbed you of a two parents household and a male role model.

Hence you're older now and can decide for yourself rebuild your relationship with your father.

It will benefit you, and if you ever decide to have a famuly your children will have a grandfather.

singularitous · 2022-01-01T13:54:40+00:00

Statistically you're much more likely to have negative experiences and outcomes compared to someone who was raised by 2 parents.

“The strongest predictor of whether a person will end up in prison, is that they were raised by a single parent”. C.C. Harper and S.S. McLanahan, “Father Absence and Youth Incarceration”

A child raised by a single mother is:

5 times more likely to commit suicide,
9 times more likely to drop out of high school,
10 times more likely to abuse chemical substances,
14 times more likely to commit rape,
20 times more likely to end up in prison,
32 times more likely to run away from home.

If that separation was optional, one (or both) of your parents screwed you over.

Aidanh999 · 2022-01-01T19:38:23+00:00

Hey man. A lot of times an adult figure will give a very simplified answer. You’re gonna have to ask your mom to be more specific when you feel you and her are ready to talk about it.

To “not argue” kind of sounds like a half answer. Arguing like screaming matches, manipulation? Or arguing like simple things and she just wanted him gone? Or probably somewhere in between.

Depending on her answer you’ll be able to figure out if it was right to separate you from your father.

A lot of comments are being really reactionary unfortunately and assuming the worst. Might be obvious but make sure to be critical of all the answers you get especially on Reddit as how do you know to trust us randoms with such an important question lol. Good luck with asking your mom and I hope it goes well.

Funny_Wolverine_9 · 2022-01-01T15:30:34+00:00

"she didn't want to argue with him"

That's called being selfish. She prioritized her needs over you needing a Father. Children of Single mom households have the highest incarceration rates/teen pregnancy rates.

MisterNavit · 2022-01-01T13:46:09+00:00

Btw im male and it was hard and I mean hard as a teen with no father figure.

There's your answer.

shaunm1022 · 2022-01-01T11:54:40+00:00

But even if he fought for you drained all his money on the attorney to help get custody of you he would never get anything above 50/50 and even then you were most likely going to stay with your mom most of the time due to school and the like and they most likely would have fought over some BS and the mom would get vengeful and try to get full custody and unless he drained his health and money on attorneys again he wouldn't be able to stop it that time

Frosty-Gate-8094 · 2022-01-01T13:26:51+00:00

Although its not fair for you, it was not your decision to make.
You were a newborn baby.

Your father could have asked for your custody.
Its possible that during those times, the family courts were shitty, and he would have lost custody anyways..

So, overall you got short end of the stick..
Your father is also a victim here, but he is also partially to be blamed..

The biggest culprits are your mother and the shitty family court system.
As MRAs we should be holding the system accountable for such injustices.. At present we aren't strong enough to do it...

Hopefully one day we will be. That day people like you will get the justice they deserve..

ficus_splendida · 2022-01-01T17:26:43+00:00

Yeah yeah she deprived you...

Well, where was him? Did he just agreed and walked away?

I mean it is easy being a cool person when you didn't spent time and money raising someone and just meeting him later on life

aquilaIX · 2022-01-02T02:11:51+00:00

It’s your mother’s fault but your father should have fought to be in your life.

alclarkey · 2022-01-01T22:18:33+00:00

Yeah. She absolutely was wrong. "Because she didn't want to argue with him", that was a personal frustration for her, and not a valid reason to keep him out of your life. She was being selfish. She could have worked it out, she didn't want to try. And he should have fought harder for you, but I can't necessarily blame him completely, given the propaganda around mother/father dynamics.

ThrillaDaGuerilla · 2022-01-01T13:42:33+00:00

...." And he agreed".

Doesn't matter at this point...but whatever was going on, they both agreed.

FlaccidArrow · 2022-01-01T21:02:02+00:00

It depends. If they both agreed to separate then that's partially on your dad as well as your mom. Two parents that argue and fight often, especially if it's near the kids then that's way worse than them being separated. However, if your dad did ever ask to come and see you or have joint custody and she refused then yeah that's fucked. As long as they could behave around each other long enough to swap you then that should have been fine.

RaphBoo · 2022-01-01T14:49:18+00:00

Your father decided not to be part of it.

If the mother of my daughter asked me not to be part of my daughter life, I would fight her to death and literally never allow that to happen.

I would die before letting that happen.

Your mother was wrong, your father too.

TheKingOFFarts · 2022-01-01T11:59:54+00:00

I think there's no point in beating yourself up over it, literally nothing will change. If mom did it out of selfishness, well, you're out of luck. Or maybe the father is a bad person. Whatever.

Frosty-KatNeps · 2022-01-01T15:08:38+00:00

Honestly you have no idea what he put her through nor if he was a danger to you or her back then. Honestly take everything with a grain of salt. For example I found out my sisters sons father was sleeping with his OWN MOM and aunt and step dad and just having a complete orgy. But incest and she now fears for her child and the aunt is now in prison for trafficking her own 8 yr old daughter for years with her sons dad knowing about it all. So honestly just don’t blame her. Ask her about the details on why she left him and kicked him out in the first place.

1_Assassin-Chris · 2022-01-01T19:05:24+00:00

So much blame on the mother and courts but the man agreed to leave.

I think that there are so many questions that you need to ask the both of them- TOGETHER- before you place any blame on either of them. Or go online and become influenced by others on who is wrong or right.

Start with some questions.

Have you ever asked how bad the arguments became? If it became physical or what started the arguments in the first place? How long did the arguments last and how did they end?

Was it in front of you? Endangering to you? Or their mental state which in turn was endangering you?

Why did he walk away so easily?

Did he come back when you were becoming a man?

Who set up the meeting?

Why blame her for taking away your father when they agreed and he hasn't made an effort to come back?

How many times have you met him?

Does being "cool" mean he would really be a great parent?

Why did they never go to court?

Have they both hid what happened from you to protect your image of the both of them?

And above all- if you had an amazing childhood how are you so sure that influence would have been better and not worse for you? How do you know that you were robbed of a father instead of protected from a bad situation?

No one here has the answers and (sorry guys) but this is not the best place for anything since they will just throw your mother under the bus since everyone has apparently felt like a victim to women. You can have support and guidance but you shouldn't be asking people online to pass judgement on your parents man. Speak with them and decide.

CyberStormZA · 2022-01-01T21:45:16+00:00

Sorry but your momma bitach

Phire2 · 2022-01-01T18:50:51+00:00

Just because he was cool when you were old enough to think and walk and talk. Doesn’t mean he would have been a caring, helpful dad.

As a young man I also struggled with the concepts of parents and what they should and should not be.

As an older parent now I realize that the primary function of parents is 0-10. Those are the years that the children “really” need parents. Sure 10-20 kids need parents to help them develop. But from 0-10 your dad and your mom keep you alive. It’s different from being a “good” or “well taken care of” 17 year old. But parent deserve respect for keeping your diaper, tantrum, monkey ass alive for ten years.

After that there are still a boat load of important task that need to be done, but that’s all details in a realization that you are ALIVE to make those complaints.

Sounds like your mom did what she NEEDED to do at the time to keep YOU alive. That’s great that your dad is cool now. But you know what’s cooler? A two year old with a mom that has support. — financial support is the bare fucking mandatory minimum

IronJohnMRA · 2022-01-01T14:58:24+00:00

Ps: sorry for the grammar and spelling English isn't my first language

It's okay. We get the idea. Welcome.

Philosophipster · 2022-01-01T23:10:09+00:00

Classic woman. Not good at conflicts, so removes them from the equation instead of applying herself and learning. Also sounds like a perfectionist. I bet she actively brags about your achievements as “her son”.

I would be curious to find out if your mom groomed your dad. Meaning she looked for a guy who was weak willed enough that she could ditch with a “i dont want you in the picture” story. Also, have you asked your dad’s side of the story?

branimusprime · 2022-01-01T23:49:43+00:00

Sorry dude that was narcissistic of her to do.

kapriece · 2022-01-02T01:38:18+00:00

What she did was wrong. Children need both parents. Especially if she didn't have a good reason to make him walk away. Statistics say your in the minority of not being in prison right now like a lot of us. A lot of women don't think about this when they make these decisions. They are essentially gambling with your life. I learned after my parents both passed that it was my mother being a baby momma terrorist. I was lied to all my life and I hated my father for it. It was her all along and I missed an opportunity to know who my father was. He died of liver failure and I can imagine he drank himself to death bc of her. I'm going through it with my own situation even though I tried to break the generational curse of the absent father. In my family it's mostly women at the head of things. I only knew one of my grandfather's and they won't answer questions about the other men of the family. You only hear about the bad ones. So it's not just your mom doing this. There's lots of women doing the same. Father's are being pushed out and men suffer.

Responsible_Wash_430 · 2022-01-01T14:12:39+00:00

100% in the wrong. Your mother robbed you of becoming a man.

That said, your father was also complicit in this, so he doesn’t get a hall pass for it. He abandoned you.

ZS_1171 · 2022-01-01T17:18:17+00:00

your grammar is spot on

ImpeccableArchitect · 2022-01-02T06:24:45+00:00

Theres not much value in right and wrong, there is hopefully value in building a relationship with your father now, its never too late. I suspect that when she made that choice, she wasnt thinking of your best interests but her own, so in that regard, not the best choice. If you feel anger or resentment aboit that, for your own good, it might be best to let it go.

Space_Angel_Vampire · 2022-01-02T06:51:06+00:00

No. It's not right. I get the impression that they didn't get along, but I think 50/50 legal and physical should be done when it can be done.

ImpossibleAir4310 · 2022-01-02T08:44:03+00:00

If your father was a danger and you were too young to understand, it would have been her responsibility to protect you and make the best of that really difficult situation.

This being said, and without knowing more, it sounds like your mother was wrong. My mother also similarly demonized my father and made herself out to be a perfect parent. I didn’t know that my father wasn’t a total prick (and that my mother was a liar) until late 30’s. My dad is no peach, but we do get along these day, so she completely robbed me of decades of having a father…basically just to spite him. She was mad during their divorce so she wanted to take away his kids - the other side of the equation didn’t compute for her or wasn’t important enough.

On another note, her saying “our lives” when you’re grown has an enmeshment vibe. Your need for a father as a human and her relationship with the man who made you are 2 separate things, and she should(’ve) be(en) able to tell the difference and suck it up to some degree for your best interest instead of deciding what you need based on her agenda. It’s not so unheard of for people to split up maintain civil contact purely bc it’s healthier for the kids. A friend of mine is currently in a dead marriage but they’ve both agreed to keep the home intact until the youngest is in college - that’s years.

Unfortunately, some people are just willing to sacrifice more than others for their children, and it seems you and I may have drawn a shorter stick.

gonewildman5 · 2022-01-03T23:28:26+00:00

I think we need more information OP. By the way you make it sound, you mother comes off badly but we also don't know her reasoning for her choice.

Title	Is my mom in the wrong?
Author	Locketrocket28
Upvotes	205
Comments	49
Date	January 1, 2022 9:59 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MensRights
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/rtgdub/is_my_mom_in_the_wrong/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MensRights/is-my-mom-in-the-wrong.1093521 https://theredarchive.com/post/1093521

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