I subconciously rejected a super attractive good looking woman today who I was very physically attracted to because I was made nervous by her attractiveness. She was acting interested in me, and I lacked the confidence to reciprocate that interest.

I realized tonight that nothing will change for me unless I can overcome this self-sabatoge and fear of intimacy that I have.

It was pretty devestating realizing that this has happened more than once, with prime age hot women who already liked me in my life before. I realized that I've already had more than second chances with actual hot girls and that I have messed it up each and every time. Basically I'm concerned about the future of my life and whether or not I'll remain in this kind of cycle for the rest of my life.

My life is not sorted and I've proven unable to properly sort it out, referring to finances and practicle non-sexual aspects of survival in modern society like having housing, food and trasportation etc. I feel as though my inability to consistently provide all these things for myself has cumulatively spilled over to hurt my mental health and reduce my confidence. Pretty much because of our money system, I may be blocked from these things permanently for the rest of my life given that I'm in my prime years now and things are still bad for me as I age.

I sometimes wish I lived in a socialist society so that basic survival was not made competetive. If I had basic needs under control and taken care of I feel as though I wouldn't have such confidence issues today. But our capitalistic society allows people to sleep out in the street and allows deepening inequality to just casually happen. I may never understand that.