How to be vulnerable.

BeautifulSpaceCadet · 2016-04-19T16:04:18+00:00

Practicing Vulnerability

To be vulnerable is absolutely a skill (yes, a skill) that must be practiced for those of us who weren't raised already knowing it.

It's a hard skill to practice, because an inherent risk must be performed, and not just any risk. It's the risk you are most afraid to take, which is how you wound up in this situation in the first place.

You're afraid to open up. You're afraid to give someone the power to break you. You're afraid to trust someone else with your emotions and know exactly what to do when them. You're afraid to take your well-being out of your own control. You're afraid of what it means to depend on someone for your happiness. You're afraid of what it would take out of you to begin to even accomplish this, and you don't want to preform one risky behaviour to engage in yet another (lowering your defense for the sole purpose of being indefensible).

Maybe not all of those apply, but I would wager at least the majority do. And it's a wise fear to be sure, there's nothing irrational about it.

But it's important to realize that this fundamental lack of trust, which is exactly what it's produced by, is a disservice to you and your relationship and the connection you and your partner both crave.

And that list I made above of everything you're likely afraid of? It's also well-founded. And that point I made about being afraid of him not knowing what do to with your emotions? Well he won't. Firstly because he's only human, and secondly because he's not accustomed to being trusted with them, and it will be a learning process for him as well. Be easy on him as he initially fumbles, and by practicing vulnerability you will find in him a fierce protector of your emotions and feelings.

"Bring him your problem, not your solution". We say that a lot around here, though it's not always directly meant to enhance vulnerability, but that was a huge step for me in helping me get there, and a very bite-sized step as well. Instead of thinking I know best al the time (nobody does), I trusted him with the problem and let him propose a solution to me; it's almost always better than the course of action I would have chosen myself! My SO is so analytical, and he definitely has my best interests in mind. He can offer a detached perspective and form a rational response as opposed to an emotional one. Your man can do the same, I assure you.

Learn to express yourself. Start small! But learn to say when you feel anxious, when you feel disappointment, when you feel anything...just say it! Happiness as well. Let him know every time he has made you happy that day. If he hasn't, then fix your damn attitude and start looking for all the wonderful things he has certainly done. Did he go to work? Did do anything to keep the home running? Did he take care of any critical responsibilities? Don't allow yourself to get caught up in score keeping (and dismissing things he has done because you've done 'more'). Evaluate every action he makes independently and praise him based on those, he deserves it.

Expect him to resist your efforts. Yup, that's right. It's kind of messed up that you're going to try this hard, and he is going to push back instead of support you. Why would he do that?? Well probably he won't believe you've changed. It will take months for him to have faith in a true transformation, months. You cannot undo all the hurt you've caused him in a few short days or weeks of being Polly Pleasant. He is going to push back, and test you. He wants to know this is a real you, and not a cheap facade that will crumble at the first sign of trouble. Which in the beginning, it will be. But just keep building that back up. Again. And again. And again. And again. Keep moving forward.

Praise his leadership and masculinity. Except to do that you'll first have to learn how to allow it to happen, and how to recognize it when it does. You've likely stifled it for so long it's a real effort for him instead of a natural flow as it should be. I wrote this comment recently, and though the context is a bit different, I think it gives you a good sense of the language you will want to use. I have said every single one of those sentences to my SO, and the principles of each are applied daily to our relationship. I truly believe them, but I do believe taking the time to reaffirm my own feelings and expressing them is a positive feedback loop for the both of us.

LISTEN TO HIM. This is so simple, so important, and so hard. Stop fucking talking. You've had your turn to talk for the last how long? Stop it. Stop it now. Listen to the words he is saying. Not just hear him speak, listen. Repeat what he says, and don't add your own commentary. If it sounds awkward, refer back to the point where I say to tell him how you feel. You can say "Babe, I want to listen to what you're saying instead of just dismissing you, but honestly it feels really awkward. Which makes it even more important I practice! Please don't mind if I keep repeating you to make sure I'm understanding what you're trying to tell me." It all works together!

Practice a gratitude attitude. I touched on it above. But consciously exert the time and energy into noticing all he does. I assure you, he does plenty. And remember, "what gets rewarded gets repeated". Don't call out the behaviour you don't want constantly. That will tear down his spirit and why would he put in the effort to make you happy when it's never recognized? Instead praise everything you can find to praise, and you will both benefit from your positive attitude and graciousness.

I hope you found this helpful. It truly is worthwhile endeavor, and what you lose in defensiveness and walls, you will gain ten-fold in the richness of your relationship and the profound connection you can share with another person.

roboticyogi · 2016-04-19T22:38:41+00:00

Have you seen Brene Brown's Ted talk on vulnerability? I don't know if it will give you explicit steps, but I think what it comes down to is: be grateful; have compassion for yourself.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCvmsMzlF7o

eliza_schuyler · 2016-04-19T09:44:38+00:00

The first step to making this better is taking responsibility for the problem, and it sounds like you have done that! Could you elaborate a little more on how the problem manifests in your life?

Is the main issue that you struggle with making friends, or are your issues overflowing into your relationship? The more specific information that you can provide this sub, the more tailored to your situation the advice you receive will be.

DebatePony · 2016-04-19T15:58:21+00:00

This is something that I struggle with as well. I've always been pretty independent and while most of that time it isn't a problem, and is in fact something my husband loves about me, it can cause issues.

Here are a few things I try when I notice that I'm being controlling/annoying.

The first thing (and I think you are there already) is becoming more self aware. You know when you are doing the behaviors which you hate and even if you are in that midst of losing your shit, it isn't too late to salvage the situation.

When I'm fighting to be right: recognize that's what your doing, and either apologize, or turn it into a joke. Generally I like to do both, make a joke, then apologize. After I've noticed that I'm just fighting for the sake of fighting, I'll stop fighting back and say in a self mocking tone "well, I'm right, your wrong!" whilst sticking my tongue out at him. Then I'll go for a hug (comfort test?) and say that I'm sorry for the stupid fight and I don't really think I'm right.

If I notice I'm nagging (or as an attempt to make a request not nagging) I'll stop and say -again self mocking tone- "nag, nag, nag, complain, complain, complain" with a smile.

If you are fearful of your husband leaving you (something I also struggle with) remember that he has built his life with you and he isn't going to leave you for no reason. Accept that there is very little you can actually do (aside from making his home life amazing so he won't want to leave) to stop him. Just be the best version of yourself, one that he would never want to leave.

Sex, talk dirty to him as your making dinner, playing games, watching tv, then follow through when you get to bed. Complement him on his arms, height, how he can open cans for you, anything really. The dirty talk is probably harder if you have children...we only have a dog.

Anyway I don't know if this helps, good luck though.

geraldbaron88 · 2016-04-19T22:23:08+00:00

How don't you know how to be vulnerable when you're able to reveal details of your life online?

Title	How to be vulnerable.
Author	marmar80
Upvotes	24
Comments	67
Date	April 19, 2016 7:35 AM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWives
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWives/comments/4fgie5/how_to_be_vulnerable/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWives/how-to-be-vulnerable.210094 https://theredarchive.com/post/210094

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