Why do we control (or feel the need to control)?

camriver · 2021-09-07T16:14:49+00:00

I’ve often found that the need to control others comes from the lack of control within ourselves. When we feel that inner tornado of emotion it’s a lot easier to focus on what’s outside of us and fix that than to deal with what’s going on inside. For many people there’s a lot of fear and resistance to the ups and downs of daily life. Controlling everything gives us some sense of empowerment, reassurance, safety. But it’s an illusion. We can never have full control, not forever. The next time you feel the need to control something, ask yourself first what you’re feeling. It’s probably anxiety. And there’s probably an expectation that you created along the way that’s not being met. I don’t think it’s wrong to want our lives to have order and beauty. It’s good for us and our families to have boundaries that guide us away from chaos. But it should be a gentle, loving effort. Not a negative, tense smothering. There’s a difference between hugging someone, and squeezing the life out of them. Sometimes it’s okay to sit back, give up control and just watch what happens. Yes, some things might not go the way you wanted. But it’s actually okay. The world doesn’t end if we don’t micro manage every last thing. And most of the time, the mistakes that are made are not nearly as bad as the catastrophe we envisioned, and we learn something new and valuable in the process as we find a solution.

lumizilla · 2021-09-07T16:04:30+00:00

Hey ! Woman here. Honestly I would like to know that too and I would like to be more relaxed. However it seems like if I don’t stress/nag things will stay dirty/out of place for weeks.

My husband doesn’t even care to buy his parents or brother gifts on birthdays/Christmas. I have to remind him a bezillion times every time.

Training_Passenger79 · 2021-09-07T18:37:31+00:00

Our brains are wired differently. We have more activity in the pre-frontal cortex (planning) and hippocampus (memories), and higher natural feelings of anxiety and depression.

So cognitively, women are risk-assessment wizards. You spend almost your whole life assessing risks and making sensible decisions.

Men, meanwhile, are more neurologically activated on their sensory perception, and they have higher levels of dopamine, aggression, and lower levels of impulse control. So many spend most of their life reacting to stimuli and living by a “take risks, then deal with the consequences later” mentality.

It makes for a good match up between men and women. It’s easier to for women to manage, plan, calculate, and organize. For the typical male brain, this can be exhausting after a while. So the fact that women take this off their plate can be helpful.

Where it gets out of balance, from what I’ve seen, is when women let fear dominate their decision making, and the risk assessment part goes out the window.

If your attitude is to avoid anything dangerous, in spite of its rewards, you’ve gone too far in to your limbic system (emotional processing), and you need to get back into logical, objective assessment (prefrontal cortex).

I’m not married, but I have a couple of kitty cats that I let play outside under my supervision when they were kittens. Dang, I got so much flack for that from other women, because “anything can happen”. They could get attacked by hawks, run over by cars (I live in the middle of the woods) - so on and so forth. Sometimes there were times where they climbed too far up a tree and I worried a bit about it. They’re older now and I largely keep them indoors, but if they get out (and sometimes they do), they can now handle themselves.

Obviously that’s a way oversimplified version of reality…but it’s just an example of overriding your personal fears in favor of logic.

I also think that women have a tendency to think that everything that happens to their household is “their fault”. We grow up thinking we HAVE to control everything because we’re the ONLY responsible adult.

I think that when we learn more about the male brain, for example, and about healthy freedoms for child development, we start seeing the control itself as being more of the problem and realizing that it’s just a myth. Nothing is really in your control, but trying to bend the world to your will causes more harm than good many times.

So it’s like - you learn to think of it like a bank account. You only withdraw money from the bank when it’s super important. Is it okay if your kid eats a sandwich with filthy hands? Yeah. It’s actually healthy for their immune system. But when they’re not coming home until 2 in the morning and they’re out hanging out with older kids you know are trouble - that’s when you put your foot down. That kind of a thing.

Also, I think women can learn to be less controlling by mentally choosing to hand over power to the father. Instead of hovering all the time - just to kind of leave and let him do his thing. So what if some stuff goes wrong? It’s very unlikely people are going to die. Your husband, though, can learn more appreciation for the work you do for the household, which is always nice, but also receive the respect he deserves as being an actual father and an actual husband - not a child.

I feel like some women complain that their husbands are like “another kid”…but they treat them that way. It’s really hard to continue to act like an adult when someone is constantly treating you like a child, you know?

Anyways. Like I said - I’m unmarried. These are just my inexperienced thoughts based on the neurology I read and stuff. If I could send pictures on my phone I’d send you the brain scans.

Foxrhapsody · 2021-09-08T14:10:35+00:00

I think it’s because women have a vision of the perfect life and they want to achieve that. They want the perfect husband, home, children, etc. And if they notice something’s flaws, they want to change it. I think one reason women do this is because they’re unhappy or feel incomplete and they think if they can perfect things in their life they will be happy (speaking from my own experience here). Seeing other people’s “perfect” lives on social media constantly doesn’t help either because women compare themselves to others and feel they don’t match up.

Training_Passenger79 · 2021-09-07T18:44:36+00:00

Oh, also! For the record!

After I learned how men differ neurologically from women, I actually tried to “get in the mind” of a man for an evening while doing my chores. I know a bit about neurology and I practice mindfulness and meditation, so it’s not too hard for me to access certain areas of my brain if I concentrate.

Anyways, after doing this for several hours - oh man. I had a headache and this squeezey feeling behind my eyes. My brain felt like a rung sponge. I was utterly exhausted. I suspect the headache might have been low blood sugar, because brain power requires blood glucose.

It just made me think of how many men complain of headaches and mental exhaustion when women overload them with verbal information & appeals to empathy (neither of which are things the male brain spends a lot of processing power on, typically)… and also the number of men who seem to get low blood sugar & get moody because they haven’t eaten.

It was definitely an exercise in empathy for me. Women are constantly moving at a mile a minute in our minds, but consequently, we rile ourselves up with this overblown perception of what reality is, to where we think everything is ridiculously important when it is not.

It exhausts our hormones, increases cortisol, and takes a hit on our health in the long run.

The better mode of living is to learn how to identify when you feel fear, and practice mindfulness/meditation until you can return to calmness, then view the situation objectively and assess the facts. In 90% of the cases, imo, the things you think are really important aren’t. Better to save that energy for the few that are.

slappysq · 2021-09-07T16:00:46+00:00

Man here. Woman's desire for control is a wonderful and useful thing for civilization.

Women trying to control men, then choosing to marry and have kids with those that don't submit to them, selects for men that do not submit and will make good leaders of society. Then after marriage, women continue to try to control and dominate men; this is also a great thing, as it keeps men on their toes and prevents them from going soft.

IMO.

Throwaway230306 · 2021-09-07T17:04:23+00:00

This is a great question! I'm going to toss out a guess, though I'm not satisfied with it.

I think nagging is rooted in the minutiae of domestic and family life, which matter a lot more to women than to men.

I would guess there's minimal nagging in new, sexually charged relationships where a couple lives apart. But should they share a household and have a mutual stake in running it, the nagging is almost guaranteed to increase! Nagging comes with time and domesticity (so, I suppose with marriage).

Maybe this is due to men failing consistently perform in a way that aligns with women's hypergamy. So, slacking on the amount of masculinity, frame, game, competence, leadership, sexual charisma, is needed to ward off nagging, especially in longer, cohabitating relationships when it's easy to get comfortable

This isn't meant to excuse women's nagging, of course. And, also, some women are naturally more dominant, bossy, strong willed, etc., and more likely to nag even a competent man.

santarosa2020 · 2021-09-07T22:39:07+00:00

We seek to control others when we have poor control of ourselves. When I'm eating well, getting enough exercise, and being disciplined about my sleep schedule, I'm far less likely to try to control how my husband does things.

In rarer cases, feeling the need to control others can stem from surrounding ourselves with people who are not sensible. I find myself nagging my husband after his cousin and his wife come to visit. They are very non-sensible people. Just watching them for a few hours sets my teeth on edge and makes me nervous. His cousin's wife jumps from one MLM scheme to another and the cousin has not worked in 7 years because he says he's a feminist and him working would be sexist. They're adopted 4 out of control dogs. They are filling their rental house with various collectibles that they put on credit cards. Ugh! It makes me uneasy just thinking about it.

SunkissedBlondie · 2021-09-07T17:39:08+00:00

Control is good. It's for stability.

allybethdesign · 2021-09-08T04:39:37+00:00

I am also learning that control or wanting to assist/remind/take care of things for men is a possible codependency issue. Like someone above mentioned, we may be trying to create a false personality. I.e we want a man who wants to buy gifts for his family, so we try to help him be a better man by ‘encouraging’ him to do those tasks. Which in turn looks like nagging. When in fact, you have a man who doesn’t want to do that task.

If you feel that if you didn’t remind/nag them to do something (creating an additional emotional burden on yourself) it may be time to consider what that says about your man vs who you want him to be.

This won’t apply to everyone, but it is important to mention. I’ve recently realized I am low key trying to change my man to be more like the man I want him to be ‘he just needs a little help’

If I’m doing it, I know others are doing it. And if so, I encourage you to read the book Women Who Love Too Much

Pola_Lita · 2021-09-08T10:19:01+00:00

There's probably something psychologically wrong with any person who doesn't want to control their environment. Or a decent parent who hasn't considered what can happen to kids left to their own devices. OR how very important it is to be able to trust a spouse to do what's been agreed upon.

First thing would be to decide whether your own perceptions of chaos are realistic or not, I'd say. Wanting order and comfortable surroundings isn't unnatural. Say there's a broken window and he's agreed to repair it. How long is too long for plywood? Is it winter? Is the window on the front of the house or someplace less obvious? Will he be offended or will he grumble about the budget should you just call a glazier after X amount of time has passed? How often has it happened that it's been truly (practically, not emotionally) necessary for you to step in and take care of things yourself, anyway?

If you can run through these ideas and your answers are all sensible but you're still feeling anxiety, that's when to look for some deeper issue. Try to analyze. Do some types of the behaviors you want to control make you feel more anxious than others? Do you tend to also feel less confident, less safe, less loved or less anything at the same time your urges to "take over" are strongest?

And don't forget your best resource for self-examination, either. TELL HIM what you're feeling and keep in mind that it doesn't have to be his fault or your fault or one thing or another for your feelings to be important. Or for the problem to be solved.

Nagging is a mostly ineffective way to try and get control in a situation, but there's more than one reason people do it.

LelerEldredge · 2021-09-13T04:06:29+00:00

Reading Laura Doyle’s books the urge to co trio comes from an underlying fear, and she has a series of questions to ask yourself to decide if it’s worth the intimacy you may lose by trying to control the situation. Spoiler alert: the answer is always no. It’s either something out of your co tell anyway Aka completely on your husbands side of the fence or it’s something mundane and not worth the stress and intimacy it causes by trying to control it.

spectrum144 · 2021-09-16T16:30:02+00:00

It's more about illogical immediate wants than control without any regard for future consequences, and thus leading to mistakes and failures. Which leave the relationship strained and in many cases destroyed!!

Happier women are more passive and less dominant more estrogen is released making you more feminine and thus Happier.

Hope this helps

HappilyMrs · 2021-09-07T23:32:41+00:00

I was thinking about this the other day!

We went to the beach for the day and as usual, I was the one who handled all the preparation for the trip - making sure the kids had bathing suits and a change of clothes, getting towels and sunscreen, packing snacks and water, etc etc.

But - and this is also as usual - when we got to the beach, I basically relaxed, swam, and sat under a big beach umbrella reading my novel while my husband played in the ocean with the kids, teaching them how to deal with waves, how to get back up when knocked down, etc etc.

When it was time to go, it was my job to make sure the kids dried off and changed their clothes, supervise them as they picked up their stuff, watch to see if they take a shower at home. My husband will of course help with all of this, but he won't think of it automatically.

In fairness, he also handles all the navigating, scheduling, and paying. I hope I am not coming across as complaining because that's not at all what I mean.

I think we both do important jobs but, to your point, I think I DO have to have things under control. If I wasn't organized, the kids would burn up in the sun / get dehydrated / get really hungry and melt down. And frankly sometimes this is irritating. At least for me, it gets tiring being in charge of lots of details. I think the natural downside of organizing is that you can become controlling.

Why do we control (or feel the need to control)?

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Pride And Prejudice

Title	Why do we control (or feel the need to control)?
Author	HappilyMrs
Upvotes	10
Comments	45
Date	September 7, 2021 3:03 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWives
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWives/comments/pjota8/why_do_we_control_or_feel_the_need_to_control/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWives/why-do-we-control-or-feel-the-need-to-control.1067537 https://theredarchive.com/post/1067537